


Glass

by sunshine_locks



Series: Reflections [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But here it is now, F/M, Gen, M/M, Other, but i put warnings on literally each chapter so, but some general warnings are that it does deal with emotional abuse and mental illness, even if no one reads it, except since i'm procrastinating bitch i put off uploading this to ao3, i started this back in like late march, idk how i fell in love with teddy lupin but i did hahahah, there's a lot of warnings on this shit haha, this story is my baby and i won't shut up about it, yoooo so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2020-07-27 18:23:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 72,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20050516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshine_locks/pseuds/sunshine_locks
Summary: "I know I feel weak, but I know I'm strong."Teddy told this to himself as often as he could, but he wasn't sure he believed it.





	1. Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> So... hello! This is the Teddy Lupin story that I was talking about vaguely on twitter and occasionally scream about. This is a fully plotted out novel, but there's no true 'plot' to it; it's just meant to be one of struggle and recovery, and I wrote it largely for myself. There were four big inspirations for this story, namely: Grey's Anatomy, Bojack Horseman, Glass by Gabriella Hunter (hence the name of the story), and a few of my own experiences. I appreciate it if you read, but I understand if you don't. The advisories and themes on this story should be taken seriously and as they will be explored, and as such, there will be warnings for each chapter should they be needed. Thank you!
> 
> (Also? That wonderful quote in the summary? That one's by Demetrius Harmon.)
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: Graphic depiction of violence.
> 
> This takes place around May 2002.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddy wasn’t sure where he was.
> 
> Warning: Graphic depiction of violence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... this is only just the beginning of the roller coaster.
> 
> This takes place around May 2002.

Teddy wasn’t sure where he was. Everything was much too painful, the bright white lights burning the insides of his eyelids. He blinked languidly, attempting to understand the words the people above him were trying to say. He was smart, he knew, but they were speaking too fast, and the words were too long for him to even begin to comprehend.

The pain blooming across his chest didn’t foretell him of anything good to come, but at least his Gran was here. Gran always knew what to do, though she seemed too distressed to do anything helpful. Seeing such an unraveled look in her eyes on a woman that was more formidable than anyone he knew unsettled him greatly.

He hoped she would be okay. Gran was usually never like this; she was strict for sure, but he had never seen anything but a fond smile on her face.

Was it because of him? If it was, he didn’t mean to. She had to know that. He’d never intentionally hurt his Gran, but as he tried to tell her of this, all that came out was a high pitched whine.

Soon enough, he was gripped by a strong sense of inherent fatigue, the kind that felt like it would never go away. The kind that was inside of you, but not from any sort of real effortful exertion. 

Teddy would tell her later. He’d feel better then, and he’d tell her later. He promised.

—

The house was quiet, Teddy noticed. He wasn’t sure that he knew anything, but he was sure of this one fact. There was always something to put him to sleep, whether it be the soft whispers of wind just outside the window, his Mum writing away at the dining table as she stayed up late to do her paperwork, or even his Dad humming away mindlessly as he tackled the pile of dishes that were beginning to create its own ecosystem. (He’d learned that word from Auntie Audrey, he was proud to note.)

It was just—there was always something to occupy his thoughts throughout the night. Now there was nothing.

Teddy walked silently, a hand barely trailing across the wide expanse of the wall. His imminent fear was building up and up and _up_—away and out of his control. The hallways seemed to extend farther and farther in front of his eyes.

A sob ripping through his throat unwillingly, he ran as far as his tiny body could take him. To his surprise, he reached the end, though earlier the hallway was most certainly seemed infinitely endless. Wiping his eyes of any tears, he peeked around the corner. Everything was suspended, it seemed to him, and even with a simple strain of his ears, no sound registered. At all.

There was always some type of sound, even if everything was truly suspended, like the swish of a fan spinning on and on and on, or the buzz of electricity running through the house.

There was always _something_. There was nothing. Why was there nothing?

It was quick, how it happened. He walked into the living room, expecting to see empty space. He blinked. And then his Mum was in front of him. The look on her face was devastating to see.

“…Mum?” he asked tentatively, inspecting his Mum’s visage apprehensively. There was nothing too out of place, though she was clutching tightly at her hip.

What happened?

Noticing him, she softened the slightest bit, though it pained her to do so. Then, completely out of the blue, she shrieked, “No – _no_! Stay back, Teddy, _please_!”

After a moment’s hesitation, he stepped forward. “Are… are you okay? What’s wrong?” he asked, his question coming out childishly. He hadn’t meant for it to come out that way.

Evidently attempting to soothe her voice into a calmer tone, she said, “Sweet pea—” She cut off abruptly, collapsing on to her knees, and then lying on the ground.

His blood was pumping through him at a pace that shouldn’t have been possible. It was precisely this rush of adrenaline that had him lunging forward.

Leaning down, he pried away his mum’s hands from where she was holding herself, only to find an obscene amount of blood spilling.

Why hadn’t he seen it before? Blood, well—blood was much too easy to notice.

The dark red liquid pooled in front of him, spreading out in every direction.

Paralyzed, all Teddy could do was watch, wide-eyed.

Snapping himself out of it, he said, “Mum. Mum! What do I do?” He turned to look at his Mum imploringly, though now she was looking past him, a terrified look seeming to permanently embed itself in her youthful face.

He looked behind him, and saw his Dad’s unmoving body surrounded by more blood than he’d ever seen and a scream had fought tooth and nail to claw its way through his throat—

“—Teddy! _Teddy_!”

He jerked awake, Ginny’s face blurring in and out of his vision.

“…Auntie?” Teddy stared at his Auntie’s face, tears streaming down his face. He hadn’t known he was crying.

“Sweetheart. Are you okay?”

“I…” He looked around the room, shrouded in darkness. What was going on? “I saw them. Where are they? I saw them. I just _saw them I swear_—”

Ginny moved closer and took him into her arms, rubbing her hand up and down his back soothingly. “You’re safe here…” 

—

The facts of the matter were that on May 2, 2001, Remus and Nymphadora Lupin were murdered in their home at approximately one o’clock at night.

The perpetrators were currently caught and identified, who have been associated with the reign of the elusive Voldemort—otherwise known as Tom Riddle.

Shrouded in mystery, he strangely popped up suddenly during the 1950s, his murders the most prolific in history. His methods were precise, yet had stayed unknown for the longest time. His intentions for these careless murders still were unknown—Voldemort was nothing if not thorough.

Fortunately, after five decades worth of relentless struggle, Voldemort was finally caught, allowing for London to finally _breathe_. The anonymity surrounding Voldemort had ultimately gotten the better of people, fostering distrust in everyone.

Unfortunately, however, Remus and Nymphadora Lupin were his last victims.

And more importantly, Teddy Lupin was left without parents.


	2. Play Pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hello,” Teddy said to his Auntie Ginny, barreling right into her outstretched arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place around late June 2007.
> 
> HOO boy after this story is over, y'all are gonna HATE Andromeda lmao. I didn't really want to make Andromeda like this, but in the end, she seemed like the only viable character.
> 
> Anyways, Pokémon belongs to Nintendo. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter!

“Hello,” Teddy said to his Auntie Ginny, barreling right into her outstretched arms. She caught him soundly, letting out a soft ‘oomph.’

Ginny laughed softly, giving him a fond look. “Hello Teddy. How are you today?”

“I’m good,” he said, giggling. “Where’re Molly and Victoire?”

“Why?” she replied back, tone playful. She raised her arms inch by inch. “Don’t want to stay with me?”

He stepped back, stream of giggles slowing, knowing what would come next.

Ginny shifted forward. A pause.

Then—she lunged, her hands going straight for his sides, and Teddy doubled over, nearly kicking her. His hands went to push her hands away, but failed to escape from the monstrous tickles. Through his hysterical laughter, he managed to shriek out a, “Stop, stop!”

She merely grinned at him, and took her hands away. She shook her head, and told Teddy smilingly, “They’re both outside, playing.”

Teddy nodded, and as he turned he heard Ginny mutter, “They’re going to make a mess of the house aren’t they?”

He ran to Molly and Victoire, who were sitting haphazardly, tearing grass of the ground. He dropped down next to them with a cheery hello, and Molly did similarly.

Victoire, on the other hand, exclaimed, “Teddy! You’re here!” and then proceeded to give him a bear hug, which he reciprocated just as enthusiastically.

Don’t tell anyone, but he thought Victoire was his favorite person to talk to. She was just so chipper all the time, and the way her mood always bled to into him was a welcome feeling.

“What have you been up to?” Teddy asked no one in particular, delicately plucking flowers out of the ground.

Molly shifted, grumbling. “My mum is making me learn French with Auntie. Says it’s good to know.”

He turned his gaze to Victoire, who answered, “I’ve been learning Korean. Mum says we can wait on the French because I’m getting good at it.” She beamed at him.

Teddy gave a half-hearted smile. How nice of Auntie Fleur to do that for her. He looked down, nimble fingers fashioning the flowers he plucked into a crown.

“Sounds nice,” he said quietly, fiddling with a petal. After finishing the crown, he gave it to Molly to wear, who took it enthusiastically. "Thank you," she chirped, smiling a wide grin at him.

A few moments passed in steady silence, the only noise being the wind rustling through blades of grass and the birds singing happily along. He didn't think he had ever witnessed such a nice day at all in his life—but then again it was a pretty short one he had lived.

“Hey,” Victoire said suddenly. “Do you want to play Pokémon?”

Molly threw her an excited grin. “That’s my favorite game.”

Teddy blinked at the quick change in topic, but it didn't seem he had any choice in the matter.

Victoire nodded, saying, “Yeah, yeah, I was playing Blue Rescue Team the other day, and I think—I just think it might be nice to act like we’re on an adventure. So we have to choose a Pokémon to play. Molly you choose first.”

The person in question thought about it long and hard, humming to complete the act. “Maybe I’ll be Cubone. It’s cute, I think.”

“Great,” Victoire exclaimed, clapping her hands. “I’ll be Eevee.”

“You’re always Eevee,” Molly commented lightly.

“Yeah, so?”

“I mean can’t you choose something different?”

“I like Eevee a lot, so I’ll be Eevee. If you wanted to be her so bad maybe you should’ve chosen her,” Victoire said defensively, crossing her arms.

Molly shrugged carelessly. “What about you, Teddy?”

“I think I’ll be… Pikachu?” he said thoughtfully.

“No, no,” Victoire denied immediately. “Cubone attracts electricity with its Lightning Rod ability. You wouldn’t be able to use any of your electricity moves.”

The corners of his mouth quirked up in amusement. It was just pretend, but her complete seriousness to the task was kind of funny, and it was apparent Molly thought so too.

“Okay, then… Treecko?”

“Treecko works,” Victoire said cheerily. “Okay, so in the game the main character is was first human and they turned into a Pokémon once they arrived in our world. When they arrived though, they passed out on the beach, and a little while after that, the partner Pokémon finds them on the beach. Who wants to be the main character?”

A moment or two passed, and then Molly tentatively raised her hand.

“Okay, so you’ll be the main character, and Teddy and I will be the partners. We can use the edge of the forest as a beach.”

“Are you sure it’s not dangerous?” Teddy interjected.

“That’s the fun isn’t it?” Victoire grinned at him, and then shook her head when all that came from him was a worried look. “No, so long as we stay at the edge, it’s fine. If we can see Aunt Ginny’s house, we’ll be safe. So, Molly, you go first and lay on the ground, and we’ll come find you.”

Molly scrunched her nose at the thought of laying on a dirty forest floor, but in lieu of protesting, she dashed quickly to where she was needed.

Once Molly had situated herself, Victoire turned to him. “Act normal. Like you’re going on a walk on the beach!”

“Um…” Teddy trailed off. “Okay.” He grabbed Victoire’s hand, and said dramatically, “Say, Vic, should we go on a walk on the beach where we somehow find someone for us to save?”

A peal of laughter chimed through the air. Victoire swatted at him, giggling. “No, not like that!” She held on tighter to Teddy’s hand, and pulled him forward with her. They ran to a tree next to Molly’s hopefully moving body.

“Hey, isn’t it a wonderful day today?” Victoire said loudly, an arm sweeping to gesture to the sky. “What an amazing sunset we have today!”

Teddy heard Molly’s quiet giggles and he struggled to keep a blank face.

“It’s not even night though,” he offered.

“Shh, it’s pretend!” she whispered. Then louder, “Don’t you think it’s a pretty sunset Teddy?”

“Of course,” he said softly.

“Let’s walk!” Victoire then proceeded to hum a tune, and walk around wherever Molly wasn’t.

A minute or two later, Teddy gasped loudly. “Vic! What’s that?” He pointed to Molly.

“I don’t know! Let’s see.” Running up to Molly, she skidded down to the floor on her knees. Teddy winced. That was sure to leave some wounds. She leaned forward curiously, and poked and prodded at Molly. Molly continued to act unconscious—until she wasn’t. She jumped up, really playing the part of a disoriented Pokémon.

He wondered if this was something she practiced every day.

Victoire continued to play the part of Eevee, now at the point of offering to allow Molly to stay at their ‘hut’ while she recovered.

Teddy followed the two girls behind absentmindedly, as Victoire now began to chatter about the most useless of things, presumably in an attempt to disarm Molly’s character.

It was at this moment he decided to jog to catch up to walk alongside the two of them—and then promptly tripped over a particularly resilient knot of grass, as if someone had truly used the ‘Grass Knot’ move on him.

He was perfectly fine one moment, and the next he hit the ground on the palms of his hands and knees hard. In his shock, he dropped down to sit involuntarily, and spent the next half-second wondering what happened. Everything was at a standstill. Then the pain bloomed in his ankle and he realized the scrapes that were beginning to sting on his hands.

Teddy whimpered, tears rolling down his face faster than he thought he could.

The two girls finally took notice of him when they glanced behind them, and panicked.

Victoire seemed the most shaken and took off to Ginny’s house, and Molly immediately ran to wrap her arms around him.

“Are you okay?” Molly asked, biting her lip.

Teddy shook his head, feeling as if he had been wiping his eyes of tears for long enough now.

After a few more agonizing seconds, Ginny finally made her way to Teddy, looking disgruntled.

When Auntie saw him, her expression transformed into something softer, and that made him feel guilty, pulling her out of her work.

“Thank you Victoire,” Auntie told Vic, who was looking apprehensive. “I can take it from here—or do you want to come with?”

“We’ll come,” Molly and Vic chorused.

To Teddy, Auntie said, “Can you walk?”

“I can try,” he responded weakly. He got up, tried to put one foot in front of the other, and then found out it really hurt to do that.

Ginny heaved an involuntary sigh, and Teddy’s face flushed red. She picked him up and settled him on one hip, and then walked carefully back home.

As soon as Auntie arrived entered the living room of her home, she set Teddy down on the sofa and called for Harry, asking for ice.

As she began to fill a small tub with cold water, Teddy looked at Molly and Victoire, and said, “Thanks for coming.”

“Not a problem! Are you gonna be okay?” Victoire asked, squinting to get a better look at his ankle. He nodded and said, “You two can go back to playing if you want.”

Molly narrowed her eyes at him. “Sure?”

Teddy nodded again, and the two girls shrugged.

As they left, Teddy swung his legs. He heard Ginny puttering around, fetching ice. Hearing the scrape of something scratch along the counter, he winced, fighting the innate urge to hit something. The feeling eventually faded away, but it still felt like someone was picking away at his brain, searching for the self-destruct button. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant feeling to say the least.

When Ginny came back it was with Harry carrying an ice bath, and he had managed look somewhat presentable.

“Hey Teddy,” Harry said. Teddy waved shyly at him. Harry always had on a kind face whenever he had visited on the occasions Gran was feeling okay enough to take him, and it was nice to see. He gave him lots of hugs when he felt tired and sad, and he listened whenever Teddy felt frustrated about something. “Are you okay?”

“Why do people keep asking me that?” Teddy grumbled, tired of answering the same question.

“Because people want to know,” Harry responded in kind.

“Put your foot in the bath for fifteen minutes,” Ginny said, and while he did so, he asked, “Are you going to tell Gran?”

“We have to,” Ginny told him, frowning.

“Okay,” he told her, and then held his arms out, smiling sweetly to disarm her. Ginny smiled in turn, taking the offer. She hugged him tightly, and involuntarily, he swung his feet, and inadvertently splashed ice cold water on Harry.

“Hey!” Harry spluttered, and the look on his face was comical. Ginny stifled a laugh.

A grin almost split Teddy’s face, and he giggled. He held his arms out to Harry as an apology, and Harry hugged him as well.

Harry let go, and said, “Your Gran will be here in a few minutes. Okay?”

“Okay Dad,” Teddy said, and immediately realized his mistake. He went to correct it, stammering, “I—I meant Harry! Sorry! I’m so sorry!”

Harry’s smile faltered, and Teddy wondered whether he took offense to him calling him ‘Dad’. The thought that he might left him feeling hollow and disappointed.

“Don’t worry about it, it was an honest mistake,” Harry reassured, and ruffled Teddy’s hair, prompting a small smile from him.

Both Harry and Ginny went to sit down elsewhere in the living room, and Teddy scolded himself—honestly what was he thinking? He shouldn’t have done that. If Gran heard about this... the disappointment might be too much to bear.

Eventually, he tired of thinking about his mistake over and over again, and his mind wandered off to more intriguing places, pondering whether it would be possible to bring down a cloud down and sit on it. Would it feel as fluffy as they looked? Would it taste like cotton candy as he’d hoped? All impractical thoughts, of course, but that was what imagination was for. He knew that they didn’t really feel fluffy, or taste sweet and airy, but it would be a tragedy not to use his mind how it was meant to be.

The time passed as quickly as Teddy hoped it would (during which Ginny had dried off and wrapped his injured ankle firmly with gauze), and Gran finally came by to pick him and was—for once—all smiles. She seemed to be in a better mood today.

Harry, Ginny, and his Gran chatted for a while and Teddy paid no mind until his name was called out, and gingerly got onto his feet. He shuffled over to his Gran, and grabbed her hand. After a quick goodbye, they were on their way home—or rather what was his Gran’s home ever since she became the last of her immediate family—not including the Malfoys of course. Most of them had moved out, or they were dead. Unfortunate, yes, but they weren’t exactly good people, Teddy was told. 

His parents’ home had been left abandoned for reason known quite well to him, but it was still theirs. His Gran couldn’t quite find the nerve to sell off something that both his parents’ had worked so hard for (and what a beautiful house it was indeed—only, Teddy couldn’t bear to look at it just yet). Parents’ that clearly weren’t here for him anymore.

Gran would scold him if she ever found out that he entertained such thoughts.

“Teddy,” his Gran called for him, and he perked up, listening. “How’s your ankle? Is it feeling any better?”

“Yes, Gran,” he responded clearly, controlling his voice. Gran hated it when he mumbled or slurred his words.

“That’s good to hear.” A pause. Teddy held his breath. He knew he was in some trouble, or his Gran was disappointed in him. Her tone was too clipped for her to be alright with him. It seemed that was all he was these days, and he wasn’t sure what to do.

“I heard that you called Harry your dad today.”

Teddy let out a slow breath. Surely that couldn’t be all it was. “Er, yeah.”

“Do you have anything to say?” He could pretty much see his Gran’s eyebrow raise in question. It unnerved him how judgmental she could really be.

“No, nothing,” he answered softly, gaze on the ground, preferring to count the daisy roots that he passed. Fifteen. That was how many he had walked by so far.

“Don’t—in the future, don’t do that again,” Gran said, voice strained the slightest. “It’s disrespectful to your actual parents.”

Teddy bit on his lip to hold back a less than logical response. He loved his parents, and to imply otherwise seemed like a disgrace on her part. He loved his parents, but sometimes all he wanted was someone that would listen to him, and offer a helping hand every once in a while. If Harry and Ginny offered that, who was he to refuse? They’d never replace his parents, but it was something. Especially when thinking about that fated day, when they were there for him and Gran wasn’t.

“Okay.”

_Okay. Okay. Okay._ What a small word. It was permission. But it was defeat. Submission. Acceptance. It wasn’t the strong _yes_ people were looking for. Okay. The word for reluctant people, for people who couldn’t do more. _Can’t_ do more.

And that was him. He hated that he couldn’t say no, more than anything. Any response otherwise would result in angry Gran, and he loathed seeing her. She was a terrifying force to witness.

The walk home passed in silence.


	3. Happier Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddy wasn't sure what was going on.
> 
> Warning: Descriptions of some anxiety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story does a lot of time skips, not gonna lie. 
> 
> ... It has only proven to me how bad I am at time skips. Well, I hope you enjoy the chapter! 
> 
> This takes place around late September 2008.

Teddy wasn’t sure what was going on. Everybody was moving about, claiming their best friends as partners, or reluctantly walking up to the kid that was too quiet to be their partner.

He’d apparently zoned out so hard that any words that he might have heard had gone through one ear, and out the other. Focusing back on his surroundings, his gaze flitted around, trying to hopefully find someone who was unlucky enough to have gone without a partner like him.

Once he had found his target, he quickly made his way to the boy who was sitting all by his lonesome, yet looking perfectly content.

He tapped the boy’s shoulder once, twice, and his attention moved to him, curious.

“Hi,” Teddy began, stomach churning, “do you want to be partners?”

The boy smiled at him disarmingly, and said, “Yeah, sure.”

“Thank you,” he sighed, and sat down at an empty seat next to him, as everyone else was doing. “So, do you know what’s going on?” he whispered.

The still unknown boy’s smile took on an amused curve. “We’re working on writing a story together.”

“Really? In English? Where all we’ve done was analyze poems?”

“It’s been known to happen,” the boy told him, eyes glinting in the sunlight coming from the window.

“I guess. My name’s Teddy. What’s your name?”

“I’m Leo.”

Teddy blinked. It reminded him of the Black family’s tendency to name people after constellations. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“And you as well.”

Soon after everyone situated themselves, the teacher began speaking again, bland voice detailing the specifics of the project, which unfortunately, took so long that they only had about five minutes to work. There was no allotted class time for the project and it was due next week. For some it might be easier if they had a natural writing ability, but Teddy was not one of those people.

Teddy looked despairingly to Leo, who seemed just as lost as he was.

A few moments of staring at each other blankly, Teddy suggested, “Do you want to meet up this weekend to work on this project? Like on Saturday?”

“Sure. We can meet up at the park not too far from here. Do you live close to it?” Leo asked him, standing up in his seat. He slowly began to sort his things into his backpack. When he saw Teddy’s confirmation, he said, “Sounds good.”

“Sounds good,” Teddy repeated back to him to softly.

—

Friday came in about no time, and Teddy had no less than five hours to ask his Gran about meeting up with Leo the next day.

Five hours. That should be enough right?

Five hours to gather his courage and make the first knock on his Gran’s room. Right.

Teddy brought his hand up to tap on the door, and a few tantalizing seconds later, he dropped it.

What was his Gran doing in there anyways? Was it important? Did he _really_ need to ask now?

He chewed on his lip, contemplating whether it was worth it, especially for a boy whom he barely knew.

A moment passed, and he decided it wasn’t.

But then again, that project was a fair portion of his grade…

Teddy shook his head to no one in particular.

Frustrated, he stomped his way back downstairs, curling up on the squeaking rocking chair that he had claimed as his own. His Gran had long given up on sitting in it.

Grabbing the remote on the side, he turned the TV on, switching on to the nature channel by luck. He watched as the narrator talked on about the animals of the Antarctic.

He smiled when he saw the baby penguins show up—they just happened to be one of his favorite animals.

Today’s run filmed the antics of the baby penguins, and how they were adjusting to their life.

Watching on, he giggled when they flopped over suddenly—honestly, they were so adorable.

From the looks of it, these babies seemed to be close friends. It was weird to long for the relationship that animals had, but who wouldn’t want to have someone who would be behind you no matter what? Even if there were petty spats every now and then, they still were nothing in the face of their bond.

Not to mention, being a penguin sounded pretty amazing, though the intense cold was a bit off-putting.

Maybe in another world he was a penguin. Anything was possible, wasn’t it?

The documentary kept going, and his mind continued to wander as the sun set and the sky was fading into darkness.

He hadn’t even realized it was dinner time until the telltale shout of his Gran calling him for dinner registered in his head.

Startling, he sat up straight, and walked to the dining table as fast as humanely possible.

“Hello, Gran,” Teddy greeted with a pasted on smile, and his Gran acknowledged him with a glance.

Waiting for a response was futile, so instead he accepted that he probably wasn’t going to get anything but a few words from her today, and sat down in his usual seat, murmuring his thanks for the food on his plate today.

The only sound in the home was the background noise of the TV he forgot to turn off and the clinking of the utensils.

Dinners in the Black household were usually a quiet affair, and there wasn’t much he could do about it. He tried to, once, by chattering on endlessly to his Gran, and she had snapped at him that day for annoying her.

She’d not said anything about that incident, and he wrote it off as it being a bad day for her. Those were not far and few between, unfortunately, even if he’d like them to be.

“Teddy,” his Gran called to him.

He looked up, not the least bit surprised. Dinner might’ve been quiet, but his Gran occasionally offered him a few words.

Now, whether it was just small talk, words of disappointment, or her chastising him, now that was another question all on its own.

“Elbows off the table,” she continued.

Ah. The usual.

Teddy complied, deciding that this wasn’t the hill he wanted to die on. There were better hills anyways.

“How’s school going for you?”

Well, he’d been scolded by his teacher for not paying attention in class at least three times, and he had gotten a C on a science quiz that he had taken last week. But he was handling it on his own, so it didn’t seem to be of his Gran’s concern. He also wasn’t sure that this was the kind of news that she wanted to hear—how she’d react was up in the air, and that wasn’t a chance he was willing to take. So, instead, he said, “It’s good.”

His Gran raised an eyebrow. “Just… good.”

Teddy’s gaze moved lower, unable to meet her eyes. “I’m not sure what else I could possibly report on… It’s just good.” He gave the slightest of shrugs.

“How are your grades then?”

“They’re also… good,” he finished lamely, feeling as though he were repeating himself. “That’s—that’s all.”

Gran heaved a sigh, told him to not eat too much or else he’d get fat, and then the silence fell back on the two, as heavy as ever. Teddy grimaced. How could his Grandmother ever like the quiet of this home? There should be something usually—the swish of the fan, the electricity of his home, or even the whistle of wind outside the window. Silence never meant anything good, even if his Grandmother thought the opposite.

Teddy shook his head of those thoughts—thinking such horrid thoughts only served to bring them to reality, and that wasn’t what he wanted.

Not to mention, it shouldn’t at the forefront of his mind anyways. He should be thinking about how to get his Grandmother to say yes to meeting Leo at the park tomorrow.

A good way was probably ask first.

“Gran?”

His Gran stared at him questioningly.

“Can I meet up with a friend of mine tomorrow? It’s just right across from our home, and I promise not to be gone for long.”

“Who is it?”

“It’s a classmate of mine, we’re meeting up for a project.”

“What time and for how long?”

“Um… We said we’d meet at around two p.m. and stay for three hours.”

His Gran narrowed her eyes. “Why that long?”

Teddy’s shoulders sank visibly. Was she even listening to what he said? Nonetheless he answered diligently, “We’re working on a class project for English that’s due next week Gran. That’s why we have to meet up for so long.”

His Gran’s eyes were now thin slits, and he sank even lower. “Don’t talk back to me.”

“I wasn’t,” he replied softly, tone as pacific as he could make.

She did not deign to reply, and that sent him into a mild frenzy.

That was it? That was the conversation? She didn’t even give him an answer for tomorrow, and he couldn’t just _bail_ on Leo like that. He made a promise to him.

He didn’t even have any way of contacting him either. God, what was Leo going to think of him? They weren’t close by any means, but the idea of giving such a bad impression of himself made his heart burn. That couldn’t happen. It couldn’t—it just _couldn’t_.

Well, he thought to himself bitterly, that was what he deserved for waiting so long—did he really have to ponder about whether to ask or not for _so long_? It was just a question for goodness’ sake. Everybody has them. There was no need for such an unnecessary reaction.

He finished the rest of his dinner quietly, all while his resting heart rate seemed to be bordering on heart attack. It certainly felt like one. His skin felt hot, and he could almost see the red staining his cheeks.

Picking up his plate, he rinsed it in the sink—even in a dirty place like the sink, his grandmother expected neatness.

His Gran finished her dinner right after, leaving to her room. As soon as she did, Teddy went to the DVD that was hooked up to the television.

Grabbing the CD that was next to player, he stopped to read the title. It was indecipherable, as it always was, and Teddy had to laugh. His Dad’s scrawl had never changed.

Putting it into the player, he went to back to lounge on the couch, and clicked play on the remote.

Strange as it was—and boy did he know how strange it was, judging by the amount of people that told him so—he kind of liked watching the video of his parents’ wedding along with whatever other videos of him and his parents were on there.

Although he had no idea why his parent’s decided to record their wedding instead of taking pictures, this CD was kind of a respite for him, easing him to think about happier times when he was stressed or sad—kind of like today. Everybody seemed less tired, and he actually got to see his Uncle Sirius dance around hilariously, while his Dad acted as if he wasn’t one of his best friends, despite the fact that Sirius was his best man.

Teddy smiled at his antics, and hoped that such happy moments would exist for him in the future.

—

When Teddy woke up the next morning, he wasn’t feeling much better despite what he did last night. If it was possible, he’d believe that his mood soured even more.

He contemplated whether he should sleep in another hour. It was only about seven, so he could definitely do so.

But Gran would come to his room to make a fuss, or worse—wake him up with water to the face. It wasn’t like a bucket of it or anything, but Teddy wouldn’t completely cross it out as a possibility.

Grudgingly, he slid out of the warmth of his bed, and began the tiring routine that was getting ready in the morning.

Later on, after he was looking presentable, he made himself breakfast. Nothing too fancy, just one of the waffles that you just had to put in the toaster. When it was just you, standards for quality fell away.

Munching on the syrupy waffle, he tried to focus on the sweetness of it, rather than on the sharp pain in his chest.

Genuinely, he hoped that it wasn’t a sign of him dying, or whatever.

After all, he was only just shy of ten years old.

Sighing, he looked for his Gran. Not finding any signs of her, he sighed again.

She woke him up consistently at seven, yet she continued to sleep in while he was up, doing nothing as always.

Quite suddenly, his Gran was in front of him, and he looked at her like a deer in the headlights, wondering if he did something wrong. Again.

“Oh good,” his Gran said as haughtily as she always was, “you’re ready. We’ll leave for the park by 1:30.”

“Alright…” Of all the things—! How could she act as if she’d given him an answer in the first place?

Despite his conscience telling him otherwise, he kept this comment in to himself. What was that saying again? If you have nothing nice to say don’t say it at all? It was the same principle.

Finally, about five hours later, his Gran had taken him to the park where he and Leo were supposed to meet.

She went off to a bench where she could still watch them but give them their space, and Teddy, not seeing Leo anywhere, went off to one of the empty swings, pushing himself forward.

Kicking himself higher and higher, Teddy saw his feet reaching the sky, touching the clouds playfully. He closed his eyes, not putting any more effort into swinging himself higher, preferring to relish in the feeling of gliding through the air.

If only he could fly through air without the help of the swing, like on the magic carpet from Aladdin.

As the swing began to slow down, he felt the hands of someone pushing him up on the swing, and he startled, putting his feet forward to bring himself to a stop and abruptly turned his head around in attempt to identify the perpetrator.

Finding the dreamy eyes of Leo, his shackles lowered, more at ease now that he knew it wasn’t a stranger.

“Leo, hello,” Teddy said, a smile gracing his face.

“Hi, Teddy,” Leo replied, sitting on the empty swing next to him.

“Is anyone with you?”

“Ah, no, I came here by myself.”

“Oh. Well, that’s okay, my Gran’s here. Let’s sit at the benches?”

Leo nodded, jumping off of the swing, and Teddy followed, taking a seat in front of him.

“How do you suppose you want to start the story?”

“I’m not sure…” Teddy shrugged, looking down at the grooves in the table.

“Well, I have a few ideas, if that’s okay?”

He nodded, giving his permission to speak.

“I was thinking that maybe we could create—actually I have a whole notebook full of ideas—” Leo stopped chattering to reach into his bag, and went on speaking as if he never stopped. “I was thinking we could create kingdom where the weather is always cold or snowing, and the Queen, and well the _Queen_—”

Leo rambled on, telling the story of a little boy who was born cold as a result of a curse that a witch placed, and that his heart slowed with every year that he was alive. Supposedly, when this boy turned sixteen, he was so tired of living in fear of his condition so he escaped the castle he lived and goes on to an adventure with an unsuspecting girl who tagged along and another boy looking for some excitement in his life to find the cure for his condition.

Teddy listened rapturously, entranced by the story Leo was spinning to him. It was hard to believe what Leo could come up with in the span of two days. Or was his mind on it for a while?

When Leo finished, Teddy stared at him in awe. “And you thought this up in two days? Like a whole fairytale…? Wow, that’s… that’s… amazing.”

Leo’s cheeks dusted suddenly with pink. “I… I’ve had the idea for a while actually. I’ve been thinking about it for like, almost two years.”

He nodded slowly. “This is an idea that means a lot to you—and are you sure that you want to work on it now? With me? I dunno, I think this is an idea for _you_, not for me. I don’t know about you, but I want to actually help out on this project.”

Leo laughed. “I might never get a start on this story if I don’t work on it for this project. I want to do it with you. Besides,” he remarked, shadows of laughter on his face, “I only know what I want to happen in the story. Nothing else.”

“I—alright, I suppose… Do you have a pencil? And can I see your notebook?”

Leo smiled at him, and slid over his notebook. Teddy took it, and opened to a fresh page. In bold, neat letters, he wrote ‘Name:_’_.

“Do you have a name in mind?” he asked, tapping the pen rhythmically on the table.

“Er… no,” Leo replied, shrugging despondently. “Do you?”

Thinking up a random one, he said, “Soomin Park?”

“Oh, sounds good. What if he liked making music?”

“Yeah,” Teddy hummed, noting the detail down, “okay.”

The rest of the time was spent coming up with the characters of the story, fleshing them out. Every character seemed to become more loveable, especially Soomin, and Valentina, the girl he goes on the adventure with, was not who they were both expecting her to be. The main character, was genuinely a lot warmer than expected, considering the condition he was ailed with was that he was _always_ cold.

Teddy looked at what they had written down for their characters, and felt a strange sort of pride for them—even if the story wasn’t his, the characters he helped craft now seemed to have a part of him within them.

“This is going great,” Leo exclaimed, clapping his hands. “Don’t you think?”

Teddy nodded, smiling shyly. “I wish we could work on it longer. I told my Gran that we’d only be working for about three hours, and it’s nearing four thirty.”

“Well, why don’t you just ask?”

“I mean, I guess I could do that.” Teddy rubbed his arm, looking in the general direction of his Gran absentmindedly. He could ask—it wasn’t as if he was without good reason. He simply wanted to continue working on his English project.

“I can do that,” he continued. Slowly, he got himself up, and walked over to his Gran, who was sitting on a bench not too far away from them, idly reading a book.

“Gran,” Teddy called out, a note of cheer in his voice.

His Gran looked up, face flashing in annoyance for the briefest moment.

“Teddy,” she said. “Finally ready to go?”

“Actually, can I stay here longer? Leo and I want to work on our project longer, if that’s good with you.” Teddy shifted on his feet.

His Gran frowned, and then sighed. “You have other homework to finish today, Teddy. We can’t let you get behind.”

He did not bother to answer. It didn’t matter what his answer was anyways; he already knew what her answer was.

_I’m tired and we’re going home._

It was completely possible that she meant what she said, but either way, her answer was the same.

“Alright,” Teddy said with forced pleasantness. “Let me tell Leo.”

He ran back to Leo, who looked questioningly. “Well?”

“She said no.” He offered him an apologetic smile.

Leo’s smile faded. “Oh, okay. Well, over the weekend do you think you can start writing the first few paragraphs?”

Teddy nodded his consent, and trudged his way back to his Gran.

Maybe next time.


	4. Through Fishbowls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddy looked at the sky, watching the clouds move across the sky without a care in the world. 
> 
> Warning: Descriptions of a panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This chapter was kind of weird to write? Idk. Teddy's still sad but doesn't know that he still is. So. 
> 
> This takes place around early May, 2010.

Teddy looked at the sky, watching the clouds move across the sky without a car in the world. They were not nice and fluffy this time around—rather they looked as if someone had dragged their sharp nails across the surface of the sky.

Around him, he could sense the movement of his classmates running laps around the stretch of the field, the rush of wind touching his skin.

He was caught out of his trance when someone harshly shouldered past him, muttering ‘idiot’ under their breath.

Right behind him was Leo, who slowed down his pace, tentatively calling out, “Teddy?”

He hummed in response.

“How many laps have you done?”

“Five.”

“You’ve still got five more to go.”

He hummed again.

“Come on,” Leo encouraged, “the Coach will get angry at us. Run with me.”

Teddy groaned, and revved himself up to run. Again. This wasn’t something new to him—he just really hated running. “Fine,” he replied.

They both ran in silence, the only noise coming from the students that had finished their laps, now chatting idly.

Teddy had to count down to the laps he’d finished, until they finally collapsed on the ground, he himself trying to catch his breath wildly.

He looked at Leo, who seemed to be perfectly fine, setting with his knees up and his arm resting on the caps of his knees.

“God,” Teddy asked, “how are you still looking like you haven’t ran ten laps?”

Leo glanced at him, a hint of a smile on his face. “Practice?”

“You practice running every day?”

“Ah, well, my mum takes me with her on her morning runs. They’re only about half an hour, but they build up stamina, you know?”

“I see,” Teddy replied, and then flopped onto his back, continuing his cloud watching endeavors from before.

The four sharp lines of clouds he had found previously had slowly faded into something else, probably during when he was running the rest of those laps. Now, the only cloud in the sky was above Leo’s head, forming the vague shape of a moth. His gaze moved lower, and he noticed Leo’s shirt for the first time, eliciting a surprised gasp from him.

“What? What is it?” Leo questioned, looking down on himself to find whatever surprised Teddy so much.

Teddy grinned. “Sorry, it’s just that the cloud above your head looks like a moth, and you have moths on your t-shirt.” It was a pretty cool t-shirt, now that he was looking closer at it. It was a hollowed out human skull acting as a lamp, and moths were converging there, trying to find the light.

Leo looked up, then down at his shirt, and giggled. “Huh. I guess so.”

“Why are you wearing that shirt anyways? We have uniforms.”

“I took it home to wash it, but then I forgot it. At home.” He smiled sheepishly at him.

Teddy shook his head despairingly, tsk-ing. “Leo, Leo, Leo.”

“Don’t.”

He giggled, and turned on his side. “Why’re you wearing such a dark shirt anyways? You think for being a Gryffindor your style would be more upbeat.”

“You’re right. I should give it to you instead since you’re Slytherin.”

Teddy beamed at him. “You should. It’s a nice shirt.”

Leo groaned, irked.

The coach’s whistle rang high in the air, and the both of them got back up to walk back up to the locker rooms. As they walked, Leo asked, “How’d you end up in Slytherin anyways?”

“Who knows? My Gran was a Slytherin so maybe that’s why.”

“We took a quiz, Teddy. It’s probably not your blood.”

“Yeah, but she did raise me, so you can’t deny that there probably is some Slytherin in me.”

“You don’t seem Slytherin.”

“And you don’t seem very Gryffindor,” Teddy retorted.

Leo gasped dramatically. “How dare you? My name is Leo, and I am a Leo. I’m more Gryffindor than anyone around here!”

Teddy laughed, and entered the locker rooms. He grabbed his school uniform and was about to dash off to the showers when Leo called to him, “You change in the showers?”

He blushed, and turned on his feet slowly. He answered, “Er… yeah? Is there a problem?”

“No, no,” Leo rectified himself, “it just explains why I never see you around in here.”

Teddy nodded, and as he walked to the showers, the other boys gave him weird looks.

_Don’t think of them Teddy, you’re better than that._

—

When Teddy finally came into fifth period, his Physical Science class, he was immediately accosted by Leo looking at him with a sweet smile, and convincing him to sit at the desk next to him.

Once he set his bag down, he finally questioned, “What’s all this about, then?

“I just wanted to see if you were okay,” he replied, leaning forward. To others, it must’ve seemed as if Leo was telling a secret, which explained why people were not-so-subtly trying to listen in. Teddy looked at them, and they looked away, embarrassed. “You looked pretty upset when you left P.E,” he continued with an even lower tone.

Picking up his head, he gave Leo a surprised glance, and then removed his gaze, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m… I’m uh, more shocked that you even noticed.”

Leo stared at him, gaze nothing short of unimpressed. “Of course I noticed you dummy. Now, are you okay?”

He looked away, something in his stomach coiling uncomfortably. He sighed, and stared at a small mark on the desk.

“Hm, so it’s gonna be like that, huh?” Leo pondered, a thoughtful finger on his chin. “Was it those boys? Do you want me to beat them up for you?”

That got Teddy to react. “Oh please, your noodle arms and short legs could _never._”

“I take offense to that,” Leo exclaimed, bringing a hand up to his chest. “Besides, even if I am short, the knee caps are _always_ the best place to go, even if you are tall.”

“You seem to know a lot about fighting people.”

“Well, there’s this really cool fighting sequence by Valentina in the book and I wanted to know where to aim.”

“That’s always your excuse. ‘Leo, why do you know so much about blood loss?’_ Oh, because of my writing._ ‘Leo, why do you know so much about drug use?’_ Oh, because of my writing_.”

“Well,” Leo spluttered, “it’s a good excuse!”

“I mean, yeah, I guess, but sometimes it’s kind of unsettling to me,” Teddy admitted candidly. “Like, there’s just something terrifying about knowing, isn’t it?”

“Like, just the act of knowing? Why would that be scary? It’s wonderful to learn about the universe, and the earth we live in.”

“I don’t know. Knowledge is power, ignorance is bliss, and all that. Some things you’re better off not knowing.”

“Like?”

“I… I can’t think of anything right now. But it always did feel like knowing something would bring it into reality… or something like that.”

“But these things are already in a state of existence. Why be scared?”

Teddy sighed involuntarily. “It’s just sort of an irrational fear for me I guess. Forget I said anything.”

Leo was about to open his mouth to say something, but Teddy interjected. “This… took a really weird turn. Let’s just work on this project for science, yeah?”

“Okay,” Leo agreed. “But one more thing.”

Teddy rolled his eyes. “Yes?”

“Now we know why you’re not Ravenclaw. Can’t be a Ravenclaw if you’re scared of _learning_, of all things. ”

Teddy smiled, and swatted at him. “No denying that Slytherin really is the house for me, huh?”

“Not really, but it’s not as if that’s a bad thing.”

“You’re being too nice to me,” he remarked. “But thank you.”

Leo nodded, a soft look taking over his face. Teddy looked at it, and the warmth that filled him was indescribable. He felt like crying, but why he wanted to do so was unexplainable, even to him.

—

Teddy collapsed on the bed, his sprawl careless and limbs everywhere. Carrying his overnight bag, his Gran had dropped him off at the Burrow for God knows what reason—but honestly, he had a pretty good idea. She probably wanted to rest in peace, though what noise or disturbance he ever caused in that home was unknown to him.

Well, in a house so quiet, he supposed that putting music on at a low volume _would _cause a disturbance. But that didn’t count. His Gran just had the ears of a highly sensitive cat.

Sighing, he looked up at the ceiling, the markings carved on it forming designs and pictures. Right now, they just looked like leaves and vines curling into each other.

The Burrow’s guest room had good taste, he had to admit, even if it was rather small.

But he had no room to complain, not when his home was just as small, if not smaller.

A knock on the guest room door pulled him out of his thoughts, and he looked to the source.

Finding Ginny, he sat up and smiled at her, albeit there was a sort of tired pull at the corners.

“Hi Teddy,” Ginny said, leaning on the door frame. “Do you want to come down for dinner?”

“Sure.”

“Oh, just a heads up, the whole family is coming over,” Ginny added as an aside.

“Wait, what?” he asked, though Ginny had already turned the corner. That was quite sudden. Now he felt a weird sort of tingle in his body and he felt degrees warmer than the house actually was. He knew of the Weasley family, and had seen them a fair few times. There was one problem though. It had been a quite a few years since he had interacted with them, and he was feeling a little bit shaky.

He didn’t know what to say or do. He felt like he should’ve gotten bit more of warning than a throwaway comment that wasn’t even a first thought.

With trepidation, he walked down the stairs to see the bustling family, loud and boisterous as ever. Stopping at the edge, he took a breath, and then stepped forward.

To his disappointment, there was nowhere for him to sit—the dining table was surrounded by high chairs for the babies who have yet to push past a year, and nearly every adult was already sitting down.

He was hungry, but it probably wasn’t worth reaching over the shoulders of many people, and bothering them didn’t seem like the best decision.

So he turned on his heel abruptly, and was off to go to the comfy tattered old couch in the living room.

“Teddy?”

Glancing behind him, he saw Ginny calling for him, and he turned back around.

“Aren’t you going to sit? Here,” she continued, scooting over on her chair and making space for him. “I know it’s kind of a tight fit but—”

“No need,” Teddy interjected, gesturing wildly, “I can wait. It’s fine.”

“Nonsense,” was Ginny’s immediate reply. “There’s always space for family.”

Teddy nodded meekly, unable to reply to Ginny’s firm sentiment, and sat on the half of the chair she had offered.

Almost immediately, there was a plate full of food in front of him. The amount of food on the plate made him cringe. He had to eat the whole thing?

Teddy could almost hear his Gran’s scolding voice telling him that he would look fat, and he recoiled.

Sighing, he reluctantly picked up the utensils and began to eat—but only in small bites. He couldn’t have people look at him in suspicion.

After that, he found that conversations were of many different topics as was to happen with such a large family, ranging from how to pronounce the word ‘outlier’ or the ever fascinating subject of international law, or even astrophysics.

Those last two conversation topics were spearheaded by Audrey and Hermione, needless to say.

Listening in, he realized that Audrey was avidly talking about the new planet discovery that had occurred not too long ago—barely even a month.

“Teddy,” Audrey suddenly called for him, “what do you think?”

“About the new discovery?”

Audrey nodded.

“It’s pretty cool I guess. Maybe one day we can travel to it.”

Audrey’s eyes seemed to physically light up at what Teddy said, and he assumed that he had probably gotten himself roped into a lengthy discussion about astrophysics and space travel. It was his own fault.

“I really hope so,” Audrey said. “You know, we would already be participating in intergalactic space travel if—”

“If the Library of Alexandria didn’t burn down?”

She beamed at him. “I’ve taught you well, son.”

“I’m not your son,” Teddy said point-blank, but to this Audrey only responded with an off-handed gesture of her hand. Shaking his head, he continued, “How did the burning happen anyway?”

“Julius Caesar was a little bitch that’s why,” she replied in such a flat tone of voice that it was almost funny. For that crass answer, Audrey received an elbow to the hip from Hermione and a harsh reprimand of, “_The children!_”

Audrey gave Hermione a look that clashed between unconcerned and amused. “You really think a kid whose first word was ‘fuck’ really cares?”

Hermione’s cheeks flushed with red—and it hit Teddy that his stoic aunt was actually, legitimately, blushing. _Blushing._

The entire Weasley family seemed to take notice, and Audrey’s composure easily fell away to an uncontrollable stream of giggles.

Ginny grinned, and sing-songed, “Ooh, what’s going on here? Hermione?”

Harry merely appraised Hermione, and looked to her for an answer.

She blushed even harder, if possible.

“What’s going on?” Teddy asked, gaze jumping to and fro from the five adults, looking thoroughly lost. He knew that his first word was ‘fuck,’ which was funny on its own, he supposed, but did it really warrant such a laughing fit such as the one Audrey was currently in?

The aforementioned aunt finally found her wit and composure, voice able to speak again properly. For the most part, anyways.

“Did you know,” Audrey said, “that when you were younger, your Aunt Hermione was—” Hermione elbowed Audrey again, but this didn’t seem to put a damper on her. She was the perfect image of a woman on a mission. “—your Aunt Hermione _was_,” Audrey said firmly, “the one to teach you that word? She was in charge of taking care of you that day, and apparently she was very frustrated about something so she said ‘fuck.’ Next thing she knew, you were screaming the word over and over again, and she couldn’t get you to stop. She had to explain to your parents why you were saying ‘fuck’ so many times.”

Teddy’s smile was capable of splitting his face in half, and Hermione seemed to have given up on fighting. The whole table collectively fell into loud peals of laughter, and Ron, amidst of all of this chaos, managed to choke out, “Hermione, _really_?”

“Oh my god,” Hermione said to herself. She buried her face in her hands.

“Teddy,” Molly said from beside him, “did you really say ‘fuck’ for your first word?”

Teddy shrugged at her. “I don’t remember. But according to them, yes I did.”

“That’s pretty cool.”

“Is it?”

“I don’t know,” Molly said. “Only the older kids say bad words like that and they’re considered cool.”

“Please don’t cuss. I will not be responsible for you getting in trouble,” Teddy warned her, giving her a reproving look. Molly only gave him a mischievous look, and dashed away to the living room where the only occupant was Victoire, and she was watching some cartoon on the TV.

Once the laughter had faded away, there was a lull where everyone was simultaneously quiet, and then somebody got the sense to put their dishes in the sinks, and everyone else followed.

The people at the dining table dispersed, some going into the living room, others going to the bay window, or some others going into the kitchen, presumably to make something. Probably.

As he was about to plant his butt on the comfy couch, he was called by Nana Molly—a name used collectively by literally everyone, not just limited to the Weasley horde—who wanted him to help with washing the dishes.

Why she wanted his help specifically was beyond him. His dishwashing skills were mediocre at best—a fact attested by his Gran, who told him so on no uncertain terms.

Walking to the kitchen, he stood beside Nana Molly. He was given the task of washing the dishes, and she was in charge of drying the dishes and put them on a dish rack.

“Hello Teddy,” Nana Molly began, “it’s nice seeing you today.”

“Thank you,” he replied cordially. He wasn’t exactly sure of his relationship between himself and Nana Molly, but it had the nice range of ‘we’re polite to each other on occasion’ and ‘well, he might as well be her grandson.’

It was quite the range to comprehend.

“How’s your Grandmother?”

Teddy wasn’t exactly sure whether that was a serious question, considering the only reason he was here at the Burrow was because his Gran decided that she wasn’t physically capable of taking care of him—not to be mistaken that she did much of that when he was home. “She’s fine.”

“That’s good,” she commented. “Did you like the crème brulee? It was your mother’s recipe.”

“Oh.” Teddy shifted uncomfortably, handing over a washed plate to Molly. “I didn’t get a chance to try it, I’m sorry.”

“Well, that just won’t do,” Molly told him decisively. “Remind me to send you off with some tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Teddy reached into the soapy suds, and grabbed onto the handle of spatula.

He was—he wasn’t sure what happened. The spatula scraped across the bottom of the metal sink in a horrifyingly harsh screech, and the rate at which his heart dropped shouldn’t have been possible by any law of gravity.

The knife clattered to the bottom of the sink, and he fell back a few steps.

“Um—”

“Teddy? Sweetie are you okay?” came Nana Molly’s voice, but it sounded blurry, like his brain was filtering every noise from beyond a fishbowl.

He quickly shook off the soap suds from his hands, and tried to make his way upstairs—where there would be less people to deal with, hopefully.

A hand touched him from behind, and he pushed it off, snapping at the person, “Can you _please_ not touch me?”

Teddy took a deep breath, but nothing seemed to slow down the beat of his heart.

What was wrong with him?

“Teddy!”

“_What_?” he asked venomously.

He got a chance to see who exactly it was behind him—and seeing the face made a small twinge of regret register in his brain. Ginny looked awfully hurt, but it hadn’t mattered at all.

“Can you calm down?”

“Calm down—_calm down_?” That task seemed impossible to do, and he was now quite aware that almost every pair of eyes were on him, and he crumpled, stumbling back onto the wall behind him, and sliding down. “I can’t—I _can’t _do that.”

He brought his knees up to his chest, and wrapped his arms tightly around himself. Teddy was sure that his nails were going to imprint small crescents on the palms of his hands.

“Is there anyone you want?” she asked, a regretful note ringing high in her voice. That brought a tiny bit of comfort to him.

He roughly looked up, and then his gaze flitted here, then there, and then here again.

“Leo—Leo, I want Leo.”

Ginny furrowed her eyebrows, and a frown pulled at her lips. The change registered even through his narrow lens, and explained breathlessly though he’d done nothing to warrant it, “My friend, he’s my friend. I want to call him.”

She nodded her head, and carefully handed him her phone.

Taking it with shaky hands, Teddy punched in the numbers he remembered for Leo’s home phone, and put the phone up to his ear, listening to the ringing anxiously.

A moment later, Leo’s voice filtered through the speaker, and Teddy almost thought that it wasn’t him due to the distortion.

“Hello?”

“This is Leo, right?”

“No, this is his Dad.”

Teddy took the phone away from his ear, finger hovering over the ‘end call’ button, before the scratchy voice said, “Just kidding, just kidding. It’s me.” He sighed out of relief, and brought the phone back up to his ear again.

“Hi, Leo.”

“Hey, Teddy,” Leo said cheerfully. “What’s up?”

“Um,” he said. He truly had no good answer for calling him right now, and now that Leo’s voice was here to calm him down a little, he realized how silly his situation felt. He freaked out over literally nothing, he called Leo on a whim, and he wasn’t sure what to expect. “I—I just wanted to talk…”

Leo was quiet for a moment, and Teddy genuinely had no idea what was going through his head. This was the first time he had ever called Leo, so it was likely he felt out of his depth.

But perhaps there was no deeper meaning to it, even if he’d often like to look for it.

“Oh good,” he said, “I’ve been dying to ask you about that science homework we got the other day—I actually don’t know how to answer that last question. How did that article use the scientific method?”

“I didn’t know either,” Teddy answered, easing the one wrapped arm around his legs, and stretching them out. “I put down that the conclusion used the results of the study.”

He raised his head, and answered the question that seemed to be lingering on Ginny’s facial expression, mouthing, “I’m fine.”

She didn’t look convinced, but it seemed that she trusted him with himself enough to leave him alone for the time being.

Teddy did not move from his spot at the wall next to the edge of the stairs for a very long time, but Leo made sure that he was there for every second, which, really, was more than what most had ever done for him.


	5. Song and Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was the same song and dance every day.
> 
> Warning: Intrusive thoughts, slight mention of panic attack?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :^))))))))))
> 
> Also, do people know that this is the same Teddy from "Capture Me"? I feel like that's something people need to know. Teddy seems a lot happier in that fic, and it's kind of really sad, considering his own internal monologue.
> 
> This takes place around December 2011.

It was the same song and dance every day.

The overthinking, the racing heart, the sweaty skin, all of it.

Teddy hated it, but he seemed to fall for it every single time.

It wasn’t that hard. Other people did it all the time. Molly and Victoire could do it, hell, even tiny three year old Lily could do it. So, really he had no idea why the idea of asking his Gran for something filled his body with such dread.

The feeling was unexplainable, even to him.

Gran was sitting primly in front of him, gaze neutral, lacking its usual annoyance.

This comforted him somewhat. At least this time he wasn’t a waste of her time.

“Would you like to talk sometime soon, Teddy?” she asked, though the question didn’t come out nearly as judgmental as it sounded.

He winced a bit anyways. “Um, well, I wanted to ask if Leo could come over to our house today.”

Gran frowned. “Today?”

“Today.”

“Why? Can’t you meet up at the park? You’re old enough to go on your own.”

He shrugged despondently. The thought of his Gran calling him ‘old enough’ should have made him happy. After all, wasn’t that every kid’s dream? To be called ‘old enough’?

The truth just was that his Gran used it as an excuse to stay behind while he went off, and it wasn’t complimentary in the slightest.

He sighed internally. As for why they couldn’t meet up in the park, hell knew probably.

Teddy tried every excuse under the sun to convince Leo that his house really wasn’t the place to hang out, and most of the time they appeased him, but this time, Leo insisted for some reason, citing that he had seen his house, so why not Teddy’s?

Despite that, he still didn’t know why Leo wanted to visit. Maybe for Leo homes were special to him.

The thought made him scoff internally. He’d argue that his ‘home’ was a house in the basest of terms. He lived there, and it gave him shelter. That was it, and he was pretty sure that was all it ever would be.

Gran sighed, though it seemed to be involuntary. Teddy had to hold back asking what was bothering her.

“Alright,” his Gran said. “I’ll stay out of your way today, then. I’ll be in my study if you need me.”

Teddy sagged in his chair, a tiredness seeping into his bones that only marathoners felt. He thanked his lucky stars that Gran agreed—he was pretty sure that Leo would have come over regardless of Gran’s permission or not. At least this way he could linger on Gran’s nicer side, since he asked and she complied.

Sometimes, it terrified him how much he walked around eggshells for her, acting as if she were a bomb ready to explode any time. Today was infinitely better in terms of that, but it still wasn’t great the amount of times he did so anyways.

Wistfully, he wished for the sort of familiarity that Leo used calling his mother ‘Monique’ instead of ‘Monica’ or in place of ‘Mum’ when he was annoyed with her, only for her to take it with a smile and a pinch to his cheeks, or what Molly and Audrey had when they avidly talked about astronomy and physics until the dark recesses of the night, or even when Victoire confessing to her parents that she had gotten a detention when she was at school the other day for pushing a boy that was bullying her too much.

He had to ask—was that really too much to ask for? Was it _really_?

But those were not the cards he was handed, and he hated that. He felt like a slave to everything but himself.

Was there anything he could do at this point?

Pondering the question, no solutions came up to him. Perhaps more would come if he thought about it longer, but there was no denying that he most certainly was in for the long haul with his Gran.

The thought seemed to set something off in his body, slowing his thoughts down, and making him into a slump.

And to think, all of this could have been avoided, oh, if his parents weren’t _dead._

But that was what they were. The state of no coming back.

The most he had from them were two gravestones that he hardly got to see anyways. His Gran never could bring herself to visit, tears often forming at the thought of it, and as a result he never got the chance to go.

Teddy wondered if anybody else visited. If there was, he hoped that they treated his parents well.

He was pulled out of thoughts when a small knock came at the front door. Realizing his Gran certainly wasn’t going to get it (not that she’d have heard anyways, she was back in her study), he stirred himself to do so.

Swinging open the door, he was faced with the tousled head of hair and cheerful smile of Leo’s, as well as a plastic container.

Teddy smiled at him, and stepped aside to let him in. He closed the door quickly behind him, trying to keep the heat in his home. Hearing it click into place, he followed closely behind Leo, who awkwardly lead the way to the dining table next to the kitchen.

“So,” Leo asked brightly, “how was your day?”

“My day was good,” Teddy replied with the slightest of smiles. “And yours?”

“Better now that you’re here,” he responded, and that had Teddy breaking out into a beam.

“You’re so sweet,” Teddy commented. He glanced curiously at the container that Leo brought with him, and continued, “What’s that?”

To his surprise, Leo rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “It’s actually a gift from my mom… You know, as a type of housewarming gift...?”

Teddy tilted his head. “This isn’t a new house?”

Leo shook his head. “I don’t know. Just accept it please? Otherwise my mama might just shove it down your throat.”

“Doesn’t sound pleasant,” he laughed. “Thank your mama for me.”

Leo nodded. “You have a nice home. I like the family tree on that wall.”

He quickly looked at the wall, and blushed. “Sorry, it’s just family tradition.”

Eyebrows raised, Leo walked closer to the wall, eyes sweeping over each branch and person, even the crossed out ones.

The family tree was something of Black pride. It was meant to showcase the longevity of the Black line and family, though why the family felt this way was unknown to him.

The Black family did have some rather dark history after all; nothing to be proud of.

Leo frowned, and pointed out the one crossed out person on the line. “How come he’s blacked out?”

Teddy giggled, even if he was pretty unaware of his own pun. Calming down, he explained, “He was excommunicated out of the family, actually.”

Leo gave him a vaguely terrified look, and he hastened to rectify, “It’s actually because of a good thing, not for murder or anything. He’s my favorite, actually, because he was kicked out of the family for not believing in the stuff his family did.”

“And… what did his family believe?” There was a cautious note to the question.

“Er… it was actually pretty messed up. You know the famous murderer that was arrested a few years back?”

“You mean the one that had the most prolific track record for murder? Wasn’t it said that he wanted to like, say something about how white people were the better race? And also people that he just deemed ‘unnatural’? He was a menace, in fact the effect he had on people is _still_ seen today. It’s actually rather sad…”

Teddy was surprised, but not in the pleasant sort of way. In fact, it was a little bit uncomfortable, but this was probably due to the fact that he was closely related to these events.

“Yeah, yeah. Anyways, the Black family was actually really closely related to him, and kind of religiously followed him. Sirius Black refused to follow, and well… this happened.”

Leo nodded, and then looked upon the wall with shrewd eyes. He settled on a specific spot, and Teddy followed to where he was.

Andromeda Black.

“That’s… that’s your grandmother, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Why isn’t she crossed out?”

Teddy paused at the question. It seemed disrespectful to answer such a question when Gran was just a couple rooms away. The story was blurry to him, as if he had a soft watercolor drawing, rather than the bright and vivid oil painting.

He just knew of the fact that his Gran wasn’t able to get out of her family quickly enough—her parents had quite the iron grip on her. The only way she escaped was through their deaths, but the damage was done already.

Teddy would never be able to understand what his Gran went through when she was younger.

He voiced none of this however. “I’m not sure.”

“Is your Gran treating you well?” Leo whispered to him, leaning forward to him as if sharing a secret.

Teddy bit the inside of his cheek, looking away. He was sure that Leo knew the answer by that, but he still answered, “Yes, everything is fine.”

He narrowed his eyes, and then shook his head a moment later. “Alright. I’m here if you need me.” Leo grabbed the container, prising off the lid and continued on as if nothing happened. “You know, you should try one of these.”

Teddy nodded, taking the offered food with ease, grateful that they were off the uncomfortable topic. He took a bite and was pleasantly surprised to find that it tasted like a mix of coconut and dark chocolate.

“This is really good,” he told Leo, taking another.

Leo beamed at him. “Thank you. It’s my first time making them, so I didn’t really know…”

Teddy blinked. “Wait—you made them? You told me your mum did.”

Noticing his mistake, Leo’s cheeks dusted with pink. Accepting what happened couldn’t be taken back, he shrugged. “I blew my cover I guess.”

“So you like baking, huh?” Teddy questioned. And then seeing a possible thing to do while Leo was here—and really, he was really at loss for ideas, he first one was maybe they could watch _TV_ of all things—he blurted out, “We should make something.”

This might have been worse than the TV idea. Baking meant making a mess out of the kitchen, and ruining the painstaking time his Gran put into organizing the dishes and spices.

Not to mention, his Gran hated the way he washed the dishes—said that there was always a spot that he missed. He honestly didn’t know why it mattered so much, or why she complained about it so much when _he_ was the one who washed the dishes every time.

At the prospect of baking, Leo genuinely seemed excited, so that meant that Teddy couldn’t take it back anyways.

Heaving a great sigh, he smiled as naturally as he could, and led him into the kitchen.

It should be alright. He would just have to be extra observant and careful this time around.

Maybe his Gran wouldn’t even notice.

Teddy shook his head side to side, and then smiled up at Leo. “So, what do you suppose you want to make?” As a precaution, he added, “Nothing too messy though.”

Leo paused, contemplating his options, and Teddy wondered whether he would have the ingredients needed. His home was pretty well stocked, purely for the fact that his Gran never liked going without something to put on the table for dinner, so it didn’t seem wise to use any items in excess.

He watched as Leo made an ‘ah-ha’ sound excitedly, saying, “What about hot chocolate?” He gestured to outside the window placed next to the kitchen, and Teddy saw frost on the grass and white fluff on the tops of the trees. “It’s perfect for today, yeah?”

Teddy shrugged, and agreed. “What do you need?”

“This is a really good recipe from my mum so I kind of hope you have them,” Leo said, and then began ticking off the ingredients as he went. “Dark chocolate, cream, whole milk, Nutella, and whipped cream?”

Teddy thought about them, considering where each one might be—because he definitely did have all of them. His Gran loved to cook, but these days it was mostly him cooking for dinner 90% of the time, and her helping with otherwise easy jobs. Baking for fun wasn’t usually in the books.

Walking over to the pantry, he grabbed the dark chocolate and Nutella, hugging the items closely to his chest. Pivoting around to face the fridge, he took his one free hand and opened it, grabbing the cream, milk, and whipped cream.

The Nutella began slipping out of his grip, and as he tried to grab he exclaimed, “Leo, _Leo!_”

At the call, Leo jumped into action, catching the Nutella that was falling through the air, as well as taking the dark chocolate tucked behind Teddy’s arm.

“Crisis averted,” he said, grinning triumphantly. Teddy smiled back involuntarily, the grin too infectious. And then, “Can you get a cutting board and knife?”

Teddy nodded, meanwhile, Leo set himself the arduous task of pouring the cream and milk into a pan.

Not looking too closely at the cutting board or knife, he brought it over to Leo, who told him, “Can you chop up the chocolate?”

He faltered. “Chop?”

“Yeah.”

Teddy nodded slowly, peeling the wrapper, a frown setting into his face.

He placed the bar of chocolate on the cutting board, and grabbed the knife.

Slowly, he tried to complete the task he was given, but the knife seemed too sharp and too reflective—if he looked he could almost see how his lips where becoming red from how often he was biting them.

It would be so easy to wield this knife at someone.

Hearing the scratch from the knife and cutting board chafing was too much—the knife clattered down clumsily, and he cursed himself. What would have happened if it fell to the floor? Probably cut his or Leo’s toes off.

Teddy was taken aback. How could he _ever_ have such horrifying thoughts? He never thought himself the type, and—and…

His thoughts were abruptly halted as Leo put a hand over his, asking him with a concerned note in his voice, “Are you okay?”

Teddy blinked, his surroundings seeming to come back to life. He smiled weakly, barely reaching his eyes, and nodded. “Yeah. But, actually—could you take care of this for me? I can watch the pan.”

Leo nodded, the suspicion never once leaving his eyes.

_Great_, he thought to himself. He ruined the whole day for the both of them.

Teddy watched as the steam from the pan rose up in spirals, entrancing him as he attempted to will the atmosphere of awkwardness away—it really was too suffocating.

Finally, tired of the quiet (he expressly ignored Leo cutting away at the chocolate next to him), he asked, “So, do you have any other hobbies, other than baking and writing?”

“Hm?” Leo looked up, distracted. He tilted the cutting board into the pan, allowing the chocolate to fall in. Teddy began stirring the mixture as Leo added four heaping spoonfuls of Nutella. “Hobbies? Well, I also like photography. I don’t have any professional cameras, but I take pictures on my phone.”

Teddy hummed, replying, “That’s cool, did anyone show you?”

Leo brightened. “Yeah, actually—” He went into how it was his great Aunt that got him into photography when he was around eight years old, being the one point of interest they both liked. In a little bit too much detail, he recalled how his Aunt was dead now (Teddy had made a sympathetic hum at that, but otherwise did not know how to react—how was one supposed to, anyways?), but the habit had stuck because it was part nostalgia and part passion.

The hot chocolate was finished a few minutes later, and the conversation had continued at the dining table, where Leo regaled many stories of his family, some sad, some funny, and some straight up ridiculous.

Teddy laughed and laughed—it was almost too hard to keep his voice down for Gran, but he managed.

In between school work and staying home with his Gran, he never did have much time to devote to things he liked to do, and he had gotten used to it.

This was the most fun he has had in a while, and the thought of losing it made him miss it already.

At least with Leo around, times like these are easier to come by.

—

It was a nice café, Teddy had to admit. He wasn’t sure what exactly to think when his Gran said, “Let’s go out together, we haven’t spent much time with each other,” but it certainly wasn’t this. He was thinking more along the lines of painting, or doing cross word puzzles—not that that they were boring or anything, sometimes he even took part in them. But Gran was older fashioned than a café down the street, but people could be proven wrong, he supposed.

“This place has really good hot chocolate,” Gran was saying, a note of self-satisfaction in her voice.

Teddy thought it was well deserved, as even he didn’t know how she found out hot chocolate was his favorite drink.

Despite her occasional moments of forgetfulness, the woman did have some sharp observance skills.

“Have you ever been here, Teddy?” Gran questioned, and Teddy truly had to make a question at the nature of the question.

With who exactly would he go with? Sure, he could walk, but he had no money of his own to spend.

“No, never,” Teddy replied.

“I’m surprised I never took you,” Gran enthused. “The moment I saw it, I knew you’d like it.”

The front of the café was nearing, and his Gran’s comments so far seemed to be correct. It was a quaint thing of a café, tucked between two other stores that were far more eye catching.

The sign was rather simple, saying ‘Espresso Patronum’ in neat calligraphy, surrounded by cartoonish versions of a lion, an eagle, a snake, and a badger.

He snorted—it seemed like the _perfect_ place for people who went to his school. After all, those four animals were the emblems of the houses, and the school was home to many sleep deprived teenagers who could use their daily fix of coffee. A café that was only a five minute walk away was the perfect place to do so.

Gran directed him to a secluded table, and she ordered their drinks. He would have liked to choose, however, he figured that the whole point of being here was to try the hot chocolate.

What was more surprising that she’d had the energy today, and it’d never fail to surprise him.

Gran liked the company of herself more than anything. When she came back, she slid into the seat in front of him, shivering a little.

It was safe to say that it was dead freezing outside.

“So,” Gran questioned lightly, “how’s school going for you?’

This again.

“Good,” he answered vaguely. Warily. “Everything’s going good.”

“Is it?” Gran replied, a smile on her face. “I saw yours and Leo’s story the other day, at the Night of the Arts.”

Teddy gave her a surprised look, making no effort to hide it. It had been a while since they had both written that story, but Leo had submitted for his school’s annual Night of the Arts, referring to it as his magnum opus. He hadn’t refused his request—it didn’t really feel like his to refuse anyways. Leo had been so excited to show his work off to people. Who was he to stop him?

“Really?” he continued, when it was clear Gran expected a response. “What did you think?” he added, for the sake of conversation. This was his first real conversation with his Gran, and he wasn’t about to be the one to ruin it, not after he was the one that was approached.

“I thought it was interesting, compelling even,” Gran said earnestly, “I really enjoyed Soomin’s character. Did you make him up?”

Teddy nodded. “With Leo. It was both of our ideas—but more his really.”

She nodded thoughtfully. “But I have a question. Who is Leo again? I only know him because they stated him as an author.”

Teddy blinked.

Did… did she not remember him? At this point, Leo had been over to his house a fair few times, and Gran even said hello to him, multiple times.

Teddy frowned. Why would she forget?

Did she not think his friends important enough to remember?

He kept his smile, but the burn of tears behind his eyelids was apparent. Something heavy set in his chest, for some odd reason. He couldn’t identify what it was.

“Leo is one of my best friends,” he said, willing the sharp tone to stay out his voice.

Judging by the fact that Gran didn’t set her mouth into a deep frown, he suspected his efforts worked.

“Oh,” Gran said, a veneer of excitement under her expression. “That’s great. I’m glad that you have someone with you.”

Her smile seemed to be telling something she wasn’t, and Teddy didn’t like implication behind it.

Involuntarily sighing, he switched over the conversation to something lighter—truly, he didn’t think he stomach the depth of the conversation. That sort of depth was left for people like Leo.

Just then, a waiter came by to drop off their drinks, and it wouldn’t have been noteworthy but: “Oh, your son’s so adorable, is he adopted?”

Teddy froze.

Adopted? That… that was certainly a new one. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing to be adopted, but in his particular situation it was kind of weird, because it implied that he didn’t look like his Grandmother at all, which was false. He had checked in the mirror once: he had his Gran’s upturned cupid bow lips, her eyebrows that naturally arched (effectively making for judgmental face), as well as her lithe hands. He also had her hair—it may not be the same color, however, it was the same texture.

That little details was a strange one to notice, but it came upon him once when he was brushing her hair.

Gran did not show any reaction, merely replying, “Oh no, he’s my grandson. I’m flattered though.”

The waiter took a comedic expression and apologized profusely for their mistake, and offered the drinks for free—Gran had refused the offer anyways.

They left, and Teddy and his Gran were left to share an exasperated look.

Simultaneously, they shook their heads and moved on. It wasn’t worth dwelling on.

The conversations shifted towards lighter topics, and stayed there for the most of it. It was all pointless, mostly, talking about the weather, and sometimes occasionally the conversation turned towards his parents, something that Gran usually never took up. It was rare, and he treated it as such, listening intently to put away every last detail in his mind. They both had also engaged in debate about the pronunciation of the word ‘egg,’ a debate he had participated in with Leo, and wanted his Gran’s opinion on. They were still at a stalemate.

A little later, Gran slowed down, growingly increasingly disinterested from the conversation, until finally she told him, “I’m sorry, but I think we might have to end it a little early today. I wanted to stay longer but…”

Cut it short? It had been four hours, and yet there was still disappointment lingering in his thoughts.

Nonetheless, Teddy shook his head before she reached the middle of the sentence, saying, “No, it’s fine. I understand.”

Gran smiled at him sweetly. “I don’t know what I did to have such a polite grandson.”

This time, Teddy smiled at her genuinely.

Getting up, he waited for Gran, on standby if she needed help. She usually didn’t, but he never knew. Walking outside, he slipped his hand in hers, and they began the trek home, but it wasn’t that bad.

He didn’t really like the idea of walking with Gran, or alone even, but this tiny little town sometimes made it better. The faint music drifting from the shops and bustle of people coming in and out always made him happy for some reason.

Teddy didn’t know a lot of people in this town, but they made him feel a little less out of place.

The pair stopped at a crosswalk, and Teddy hummed a song to pass the few seconds.

Looking sideways, he noticed pleasantly that Leo was right next to him, walking next to his mother.

He was chattering on about something, telling his mother, “See those columns right there? Those are called Ionic columns and I know that because—”

Leo kept walking onto the street and Teddy’s breath caught in his throat.

The car was far away, but nonetheless it was hurtling towards him.

His mother leaned forward and grabbed Leo by the back of his t-shirt and pulled him back forcefully.

Leo yelped, the neckline on his t-shirt closing in on his neck and chafing harshly. He looked sharply to his mother, not noticing Teddy, and said, “What was that for?”

And with her voice dripping with volatile irritation, she answered, “You were walking into oncoming traffic, idiot.”

“Oh.” Leo at least had the sense to look sheepish. “I’m sorry.”

And the little exchange was over, and the pairs walked their separate ways after crossing, and he didn’t even get to give him a small hello. It was fine though—that truly could have gone a lot worse.

Teddy was grateful that it didn’t.

When he got home, Gran parked herself in the living room, but Teddy immediately went to the living room to call Leo—regardless of whether he was home or not.

He needed reassurance.

Leo was alive. Leo was alive.


	6. Creatures of the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be quite honest, Teddy had no clue as to why birthdays were given such high praise. 
> 
> Warning: Disassociation and graphic depictions of violence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place around April 2013. 
> 
> I'M SO SORRY I'M SO SORRY. This had been planned since the beginning of this story and... to be honest? I really wanted to see how it would play out. Am I monster? More than likely.

To be quite honest, Teddy had no clue as to why birthdays were given such high praise.

They were, in his opinion, overrated. Sure, you might get some cake, but they weren’t even that special. The first day you might turn twelve, thirteen, or fourteen or beyond, but nothing changes after the birthday, despite the implications of it.

In the end, everyone was back with their old and boring life, as if nothing had happened.

When Teddy voiced this, Leo disagreed. Vehemently so. He said that there may not be much to look forward to, but he said that they were supposed to be made exciting; it just doesn’t happen on its own.

“Not that often anyways,” he’d added a moment later with a smile, “and how many chances do you really have?”

Teddy still didn’t know what the hype was about. And so with that, Leo took matters into his own hands, dragging Teddy into something he wasn’t really sure he wanted.

But either way, it was what happened, and that was why he was here waiting for Leo to pick him.

If Teddy squinted, it almost the perfect set up for a date.

But the idea was absurd, and he stashed it away in the back of his mind, which was for basically anything that was utterly trash.

Right now, he was at the Potter’s home, absentmindedly listening in Harry and Ginny bickered on about something or another—he was pretty sure it was about the logistics of flying a broom, or what they would be having for dinner.

He wasn’t really that sure; it was hard to tell with how quickly they were jumping back and forth between topics.

Not that he couldn’t stay with his Gran or anything, but he was due for another meet up with the Potter’s and this seemed the easiest way to get it out of the way, as the home was closer to Leo’s home.

Ginny had greeted him with a hug that felt like it was nearly three hours long—she had cited that it was to make up for all the time together that they had lost.

“You really shouldn’t be keeping us waiting for eleven months young man,” Ginny had followed up with, a mockingly stern tone to her voice. “Otherwise, I may just have to take desperate measures and go over to your house. And you know how your Gran is.”

She was right; he did know how his Gran was. When she wanted something to happen, then by God it was going to happen, no if’s, and’s, or but’s. The fact of her old age wasn’t going to stop anything either.

After that pleasant talk, he was lead into the living room, where tiny James, Al, and Lily were at the small coffee table babbling away and drawing away for whatever they pleased.

A little while later, Ginny had brought over some strange teas. This loose leaf tea was flavored ‘birthday cake and confetti,’ and it was fitting for the occasion at hand.

How Ginny managed to snag this and serve it on time for today was beyond him; she couldn’t have possibly known that he was coming over today. Teddy had, after all, given them an hour’s notice.

Or maybe they just had it on hand. Who knew?

He wasn’t privy to that information anyways.

For the moment, he was sat next to the three Potter children, happy to watch away as he sipped his tea (and then promptly choke on because it was too hot).

James was humming away as he drew, and Lily did a little routine where she drew for five minutes and then spaced out thinking about something or another for another fifteen.

It was interesting to watch, he guessed, but he was too unbothered to interrupt her right now.

Al was the cuddlier one, so as soon as Teddy sat down, Al happily lied down his head on this shoulder. Truthfully, he was stiff and uncomfortable, however, he didn’t have the heart to push him away; he seemed much too excited to see him and to deny him would break his heart. Probably.

Fortunately, he had a good excuse for not hugging back—he was too busy nursing his cup of tea.

A few minutes passed without much change, and between all of this Teddy’s mind was allowed to wander, and he thought about what cakes and teas he might try when he finally got to go to the bakery that Leo had promised would be divine.

He didn’t know, but he could never go wrong with chocolate, red velvet, or salted caramel. Those were his favorite flavors; staples of his.

Or maybe the macarons would go just as well too—he’d never tried one, and by almost everyone he asked, he was told that he’d love them.

Strangely enough, it wasn’t for the divine cakes and teas that Leo had wanted to take him there for—rather, it was the architecture and interior of the bakery.

It was literally something out of a fairytale, according to him. There were tiny little tables outside, and the entrance of the building was adorned with an arc of flowers and tiny versions of Corinthian columns, except the shafts were of Greek gods—Artemis and Aphrodite.

He might not have been a big fan of the bakery, but the Greek columns had certainly caught his attention, leading him to think it was some kind of themed bakery. But with Greek history, maybe.

As he thought away about what was in store for him later today, he finally registered that someone had been attempting to catch his attention by calling his name.

Teddy looked up, being caught quite comically in the middle of taking a swig of his tea. “Hm?”

“Do you want more tea?” Ginny had asked, and Teddy politely declined. The mug that Ginny had given the tea in was far too big, and could probably be more than enough for around three people.

He wasn’t even a fourth of the way done.

In all honesty she had probably wanted to make sure that he’d gotten enough, and he did. Quite a bit, actually.

Ginny smiled at him, and then questioned, “When is your friend supposed to get here?”

“Around four o’clock,” Teddy replied. “Why do you ask?”

“Just checking in.”

Teddy nodded, and was accosted with James, who was asking him to draw a cartoon, and thought what the hell, why not, it’d pass the time.

“A cartoon? Which one, James?”

James tapped his chin in thought, and brightened. “What about George?”

Teddy made a face. “Like your uncle?”

“No,” James giggled, “like the monkey! Curious George!”

“Oh.” Teddy blinked, and thought for a moment.

He knew what Curious George looked like, so that wasn’t too hard. Picking up a pencil, he scribbled lines, not really looking to put effort in.

Even if he’d put effort in, it wouldn’t be that much better anyways. Accuracy wasn’t really his thing, and besides, neither were the arts.

Leo would gasp if he heard that, ever the dutiful photographer.

Teddy shook his head and chuckled to himself, putting the finishing touches on the drawing. When he gave it to James, he squealed and ran to Harry and Ginny and show them.

Teddy blushed, and looked away.

He checked the time, and found that it was nearing four, and he felt a swoop of adrenaline, and he smiled to himself.

It was rather exciting to know that he could spend a few hours with Leo without the stress of school or his Gran.

He picked himself up, and sat at the bay window, where the view of the outside street was available to him.

Teddy supposed it couldn’t hurt to wait—Leo was due to come sooner than later anyways.

Except when he didn’t.

The birds chirped away, and the wind rustled the trees, and yet Leo still wasn’t here.

Teddy sighed a sigh that racked his whole body, and then pouted.

Did Leo forget about today? It didn’t seem possible, since he was the one so excited about today than Teddy was.

He flopped around on the bay window seat for a moment, and then trudged back to the living room sofa.

Ginny glanced at him, and then asked, “Everything okay?”

“He’s supposed to be here by now,” Teddy said by way of response.

“I’m sure he’s just running late,” Ginny comforted, throwing him a sympathetic smile. He smiled back half-heartedly.

“Do you mind if I watch the TV?” Teddy asked.

“Knock yourself out.”

He grabbed the remote, and turned on the TV, flipping through the channels, hoping to find something good.

Instead, he landed on the local news channel. Normally, he would have been disinterested, but today the reporters seemed to have caught on to a good story.

“…_in the town intersection, there were two people. A child and his mother, the mother made it but the child did not, having suffered acute blood loss. The ID on them identified them as…” _

Teddy sat up, heart racing.

He knew those faces.

Leo.

That couldn’t correct though. Leo was coming here, to the Potters’ house. It wasn’t possible.

The news reporter went on, rambling on about the circumstances of the accident, and that they were both being sent to the hospital.

Leo. That was Leo. And Monica.

They were both just about to come over to the Potters’ house, about to go to the café that Leo wanted to take him to.

That was all today was supposed to be. Not this. Not this at all.

It had to be some sort of dream. It had to be.

If only he hadn’t mentioned his birthday coming up. If only he hadn’t said that his Gran doesn’t celebrate. If only, if only, if only.

Teddy sunk down in his seat, staring resolutely at the TV screen, willing the news anchor to say, “Ha! Just kidding, April fool’s! Now, back to our regular show.”

“Teddy?”

He looked up, and Ginny’s concerned face was enough for the tears to start rolling. “Teddy, what’s—” Sharply, she looked towards the TV, and contemplated what was being aired. Quickly, she took the remote and turned off the TV, and sat next to him.

Gingerly, she took him into her arms, and he didn’t refuse, mostly because he didn’t have the energy to.

His breathing sped up, and when he almost felt like he was ready to talk, the lump in throat refused to budge.

When that lump moved just a bit, all he could manage was, “It’s—it’s my birthday…”

And it was strange because, yes, it was his birthday, and he felt like it would have been a better birthday if he hadn’t planned to celebrate it at all.

—

The car ride home seemed to blur by. He had no idea what happened, and if you had asked him what they had just asked, he would not be able to answer.

It was the fishbowl again. Everything was distorted and far away from him.

Physically he was here, but his mind was off somewhere else. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to bring his mind back. The floaty atmosphere in his head was eons better than the sharp and cutting reality of before.

He was pushed out of the car gently when he didn’t listen to Ginny’s calls for him—he heard. He just felt like it wasn’t worth his time, not when there was so much more to think about.

Teddy walked to his home, though strangely it wasn’t where he wanted to be. He wanted to be somewhere else, but he wasn’t sure where he wanted to be.

The Potters? The Burrow? The park?

As he set foot in his home, he noticed absentmindedly that his Gran was up and moving, though why she chose today was beyond him.

He walked to the sofa and laid himself down, though quite frankly he didn’t know what to do.

What did he usually do when he got home?

Teddy doesn’t remember.

In the background, he heard Harry and Ginny speaking to his Gran, and though he wanted to stop them from telling his Gran everything, there were anchors tied onto his every limb.

He blinked languidly, and then Ginny was in front of him. Her mouth was moving, none of which he could hear, and then she was gone.

Teddy stared on and on at one particular spot in the ceiling, and when he checked the time, it was nine o’clock in the evening.

It was only five o’clock two minutes ago, so how did that happen?

“Teddy?”

Teddy blinked, and saw his Gran high up above him.

Truthfully, he didn’t feel like moving, but he also didn’t feel like dealing with her yelling today, so he sat up.

“Everything alright? Harry and Ginny told me everything. They said you saw the news and since then you’ve been acting up,” his Gran told him. He was sure it was supposed to be comforting, but it sure didn’t feel like it.

Acting up. Was that what this was called?

Did other people act like this when they—when they—

When they saw their best friend dead? (But who even knew if he was dead yet—that news anchor knew _nothing_.)

Did his Gran act like this back then?

Teddy tried to look back in his memories, but all he remembered his Gran acting as formidable as ever.

He should try to be like that, but maybe that was something for tomorrow.

“Teddy,” his Gran called, voice tinted with concern.

“What?” Teddy asked. “I don’t—I don’t know what to tell you,” he continued, lying.

“Well, there’s something clearly wrong with you, what do you want me to do about it if you _refuse_ to tell me?”

“Nothing,” he insisted, “everything is fine! I’ll be as good as new by tomorrow! That’s what you wanted to hear right? So you don’t have to do anything, right?”

As soon as the words left his lips, he couldn’t hold back the shocked gasp.

Why—why did he do that? That was the stupidest possible thing he could have done right now—so _stupid_. God, what was his Gran going to do to him?

It terrified him that he didn’t know.

“Teddy.” Gran’s voice was low, but it seemed more dangerous than any bullet. “Go to your room.”

He flinched, and shifted away from his Gran. He made no move to follow the order of his Gran.

Gran narrowed her eyes, and said, “_Now_.”

At that, he scrambled up the stairs, and curled up in his bed.

_Why_ did he say that? He _knew _that his Gran was sick, why did he have to go and poke fun at that?

Teddy couldn’t imagine how his Gran felt.

He would have to apologize. He didn’t know when, just sometime soon.

Hopefully.

After many hours of twisting the blankets and turning in his bed constantly, he finally fell into sleep, though it didn’t feel like it lasted long.

Soon after, he was angrily pushing off the too heavy and warm blankets away from his body, just lying there for a moment to bask in the coolness of the air the fan was blowing around. It was nice, and his sweaty body thanked him for it.

He later realized the reason he woke up; his throat was parched and his the dryness of his mouth was practically screaming for water.

Teddy pushed himself off the bed, landing his feet on the cold floor. He glanced around for a moment—was it him or did his room look just a little bit different?

He didn’t recall having a picture of his parents sitting on his school desk, but okay, he guessed. He must’ve forgotten about putting that there.

He walked into the kitchen, and things seemed a little bit off. His fridge definitely wasn’t off to the side, and his washing machine most certainly wasn’t away from the kitchen.

What the hell was going on?

Teddy shook his head, and stood on his tippy toes to grab a glass, and then went to the tap.

He paused when he heard his name.

That put him off—who exactly would be calling him. His Gran wouldn’t exactly be up this time of night. It was four in the morning.

Quickly putting the used glass in the sink, he rushed upstairs, scared out his mind.

He didn’t know what was down there, but he needed to get Gran. She’d know what to do.

Teddy turned a corner and he heard his name again. The voice was painfully familiar, and yet it wasn’t. He hadn’t heard this voice in literal _years_.

He shouldn’t. He knew he shouldn’t. But the temptation was much too powerful to bear, and he tentatively went back down the stairs, furtively looking around. His gaze landed on a face he had only ever seen in pictures.

His father.

Teddy honestly didn’t know how to feel. How were you supposed to feel in these sorts of circumstances, exactly? There wasn’t any protocol for these kinds of things.

“Papa,” he replied softly, analyzing him. People have told him that he looked much like his papa, but he’d never taken it seriously. He could never seriously conjure up a perfect picture of him in his mind, and the frustration of doing so just put him off.

Now that he was here… his really did look like his father.

It was a strange feat to be reckoned with, all things considered, and he hated to say it but… he had sort of forgotten that his parents were dead.

And that was weird, right? Most people would feel the loss of their parents sharply, and he just… didn’t.

What kind of a son was he?

His Papa smiled, though it took on a puzzled curve. “Why are you going to your room? We’ve hardly finished dinner.”

Teddy blinked. “Um, yeah, I guess. What about Gran?”

His Papa furrowed his eyebrows. “Gran? What about her?”

“Well,” Teddy continued, growing increasingly confused, “doesn’t she live with us?”

“Why would she? We’re here for you aren’t we?”

“I…” Teddy bit his lip, and looked away. It felt like someone had stabbed a knife into his heart. “Nothing. It’s nothing. You said something about dinner?”

“Oh,” his Papa said, seeming surprised. “Yeah. Dinner’s ready.”

Teddy descended down the stairs, and followed his Papa to the dining table, where his Mum and another little girl seated next to her. Confusedly, Teddy’s gaze followed her every movement, and meanwhile, his Papa took a seat next to him.

The plate in front of him was already filled, and as he ate (poked around), the little girl filled the table with chatter, talking on and on about how her day at school was like, and then went on about how she told one of her friends about Teddy.

As he listened to her chatter, he realized belatedly that this was his sister.

He had a sister. (Twist the knife a little harder.)

As the time passed with the three talked, he noticed the light dim extremely quickly, and then at the front door, a loud banging noise came.

Teddy frightened, gripping the edge of his chair tightly, a fearful look taking over his face.

His Mum noticed, and wordlessly held out a hand.

Teddy stared, and tentatively taking her hand. The moment his fingertips grazed her palm, he pulled back like he had been burned.

Turning his hand around, he watched with morbid and horrified sort of fascination the blood that was making his way down his hand. He looked a moment too long, and when he looked up, the scenery changed and the blood on his hand disappeared.

The living room of the home was dark, with nothing to keep creatures of the dark at bay.

Teddy froze in his spot. The setting was starting to look eerily familiar.

This—this couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t be.

Blinking rapidly, he focused his attention on the little corner spot of the wall where his height was taken account of every month that he grew up.

Unfortunately, that spot was right next to the window, and he was subject to witnessing a bird crash into it. It slid down slowly, leaving behind a trail of blood. The birds kept on coming, crashing into the window with dull thuds, somehow leaving more and more blood until every last centimeter was covered, somehow leaving behind a strange red glow.

He screamed, and brought his knees up close to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

He didn’t know how he got there, but he was sitting on the floor.

Teddy—honest to God—did not know what to do. It was a hellish nightmare, trapped in the confines of his own imagination.

He never thought he’d hate how creative his mind could be.

At his wit’s end, he looked at the floor in front of him as an absolute last resort.

The regret came swiftly—it hadn’t ever hit him that fast before.

His father was in front of him, but his face was facing away from him, and Teddy was glad for it.

He didn’t want to know what his father looked like in death.

Teddy wasn’t sure how long he was sat like that, but he knew that it was impossible to tell whether time was moving at a glacial pace or moving faster than should be possible. He stared. And stared.

The image of his father bleeding out on the floor (oh God—it seemed the blood wouldn’t ever stop pooling around him) never lost the power it had over his emotions, but his mind turned into a landscape of ice. The fear was constant and came in large waves, but consistency did tend to make a person become used it.

Teddy didn’t like it, but he was.

A tug on his sleeve finally took away his attention, and he slowly turned his head to see who it was.

It was his sister, and she looked scared out of her mind. “Teddy, why is Papa on the floor?”

He sighed involuntarily, the simple question already taking what little energy was left in him. “I—I don’t know, Hope.”

Her name had never been established in this overly nightmarish setting, be he automatically knew that if he had a sister, that would be her name. That was his paternal grandmother’s name, and she was dead too, like his own namesake. Why wouldn’t it be?

The little girl contemplated the surroundings in front of her for a little longer.

“There was a man killing them Teddy. Why didn’t you stop them?”

Teddy recoiled harshly.

_Why didn’t you stop him, Teddy?_

His heart sped up exponentially, and was it just him or was it too hot in here?

“You had a chance. Why didn’t you stop them? It’s all your fault, Teddy.”

The voice no longer belonged to his little sister, and it sounded more like his own, but he could no longer tell the difference.

It’s your fault it’s your fault_ it’s your fault it’s your fault it’s YOUR FAULT IT’S YOUR FAULT IT’S YOUR FAULTIT’SYOURFAULTIT’SYOURFAULT—_

—

Teddy woke up the next morning in his Gran’s bed bleary eyed and with the image of dying birds and strangely red windows burned into the depths of his mind.


	7. Would I Even Be Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth be told, Teddy wasn’t sure what was going on with him the past few days. 
> 
> Warning: Graphic depictions of emotional abuse. Descriptions of grief. Mentions of negative body image.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've really been waiting to post this chapter since the beginning! It's pretty much my favorite one of them all. 
> 
> This takes place in April 2013.

Truth be told, Teddy wasn’t sure what was going on with him the past few days. He knew that he hadn’t gone to school in about five days, and he was pretty sure that Gran was getting increasingly angry with each and every morning.

Gran gave up on him this morning, though it was worth noting that his Gran did wake him up an hour early each morning. The reason for it went unspecified, but it was this habit that allowed him to leave for school on time even if he slept in.

The light filtered in from his window, so even if did want to go back to sleep, he couldn’t.

Sluggishly, he dragged himself up out of his bed, and got ready, even when the tiniest task of brushing his teeth put an ache in his arm.

Sighing, he nibbled on the one waffle that was left in the fridge while he went to school.

Class was a formidable opponent all on its own—something he never looked forward to because his classmates were wholly unpleasant.

He arrived in the classroom, and he noticed that there was a strange hush over the classroom.

Looking up, he was surprised to find that people were whispering about him, and then completely by accident, he looked over to the desk next to him.

It struck him how odd that was, but he wasn’t sure as to why.

It didn’t occur to him until one of his classmates, a girl whose name he was pretty sure was Vega, came up to him with a smile, sympathy and some form of sadness tugging at the edge of her lips.

“Hi,” she said.

Teddy regarded her suspiciously. “Hello.”

The girl—Vega—played with her fingers, seemingly at a loss for words. Finally, she managed to say, “I’m sorry about Leo.”

Teddy frowned, and with the mention of Leo’s name, his mood immediately went downhill. He was hoping to avoid any mention of Leo at all today.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Thanks.”

Teddy looked away from her, and she seemed to get the idea that he wasn’t in any mood for talking, so she sat down back at her desk.

A moment later, the bell rung, and classes were off to a start.

The teacher talked about something or another, and every word went in one ear and came out the other.

If he couldn’t be bothered to listen to the teacher, then maybe he shouldn’t have bothered to come to school at all today.

It was a nice thought, but the week he had already missed brought him a sense of dread.

He didn’t even want to think about the amount of work he had to make up.

God, why did he have to miss a week of school? Couldn’t he have missed a day and then come back to school?

The sense of dread worsened, and if it weren’t for the teacher catching his attention again, he might have let the feeling fester.

The teacher came around and handed back papers, of which his was a bit of a hefty weight.

Regarding it with a horrified look, he wondered if missed more work than he thought he would.

Then he realized what it was, and wished that it was the stack of work he missed in English.

It was the story that he had written with Leo a couple of years back—revised by Leo multiple times in that period. Why would the teacher give it to _him_? This story was wholly Leo’s.

In neat font, the title of the story was typed at the top, followed by the byline.

Thinking about the characters that the both of them created together was difficult—especially since each of them put so much of themselves into the main characters. These characters’ interactions were practically theirs.

He pushed away the stack of papers.

It just—it wasn’t fair. He absolutely should have been here to work on this project. It was one of his goals to finish this story—they’d only written the prologue and the first two chapters to the story, and on his own, Leo had finished about four more chapters.

According to Leo, there were at least ten more chapters to the story. He doesn’t know what the rest of the chapters had in store—Leo wanted to keep it a secret for the excitement.

Now Leo would never get a chance to finish it—and all because someone decided that they wanted to be drunk.

Teddy sighed, a frustrated note ringing high in it. He came to school get his mind off Leo, but in the end school only seemed to worsen the thoughts about him.

Belatedly, he realized that a few traitorous tears had made their way down his face—and unfortunately, it was caught by the students who were passing him by while turning in their work. They walked away, hiding snickers behind their hands.

There were no words for how furious he was with them.

Well, that was the cherry on top wasn’t it?

He could just imagine their whispered words about how weak he was, or worse—how weak Asians (and occasionally Asian boys) were.

As if there was anyone in the world that could be happy in the face of their friend’s death. There was no one and they knew it; they just needed something to use against him, never mind how rude or hateful it was.

From the corner of his vision, he saw a movement, and he looked up.

It was Vega, and she grabbed his hand gently.

He stiffened, and as nicely as he could, he tried to take his hand away from her loose grip. She seemed to get the signal and let go.

“I know what that feels like. I’m sorry about them, they’re idiots,” Vega offered.

Teddy smiled at her, for she was currently the only person that had bothered to ask about him in the past few days.

“You don’t have to apologize for something you didn’t do,” he told her. “It’s their fault, they’re the ones who need to say sorry. But thank you anyways.”

Vega looked hesitant for a moment, and then nodded quickly. “Oh – uh, I don’t think I’ve introduced myself. I’m Vega.”

“I know,” was his immediately reply. And then realizing how creepy that was, he tried to explain himself, “No, I mean that I know your name from being in this class…”

“No worries, I understand,” Vega told him, and flashed him another smile at him before going back to work.

Teddy gave her one last look, and focused his attention back on the story he and Leo had written to at least take a chance with the assignment the teacher had given.

Today might not have been the best day, but at least Vega had _tried_ to make it better.

—

There was a reason that Teddy had decided to go back to school on a Friday, and it was purely because that he knew the weekend was coming so he could recharge regardless of whether the day wore him out or not.

Clearly it did, so this was actually somewhat of a good decision on his part.

Last night was not as restful as he hoped it would be—more nightmares came his way, and as a result he had fell asleep at five o’clock in the morning.

It did not help that any appearance of light made it harder for him to fall asleep—though no matter, usually when he fell asleep, he was usually a deep sleeper.

So the fact that he was awake now when it was only ten o’clock in the morning was… strange.

Teddy sat up for a moment, contemplating what exactly woke him up.

Then he heard the home phone ring, and he could swear that that phone hadn’t been used in a couple of years.

Well, he supposed it had a use now.

When he had made his way down to the living room, his Gran had already beat him to it.

He sighed, annoyed. Teddy turned on his heel to go lie down in bed, but his Gran called him over.

So the call was for him.

That was strange, because most people didn’t try to call him usually. He didn’t have a phone, so whoever wanted to talk to him must’ve really wanted to talk.

“Hello?” he asked as politely as he could muster.

The voice on the other end was crackling and a bit unclear, but it was familiar nonetheless. “Teddy?”

Teddy nodded, but then face-palmed himself mentally. “Yes, that’s me. Is this…” Now, how should he refer to Leo’s mum? Leo had always referred to her as Monique, a name that was close but not quite hers (for it was Moni_ca_), but since he was only his friend, that seemed wildly inappropriate for the situation at hand. He winced, knowing he’d have to refer to her using an honorific. It seemed so off to use that for someone he was comfortable with, even though it had been a while since he’d seen her. The last time would have been… Teddy faltered for a moment, and then shook his head. Not today. “Yes, is this Ms. Arellano?”

The voice on the other end choked on a laugh. “This is she. But please, Monica would be much better.”

Teddy bit his lip, knowing fully that he wouldn’t be able to call her Monica despite the weird feeling of ‘Ms. Arellano’ on his tongue.

“Right.” And then he laughed a nervous little giggle, thought nothing much seemed funny at the moment, not when he could feel his Gran’s prying eyes on his back.

Did she really have stand there and watch his every move? It wasn’t as if he’d go off and suddenly become a rebellious child as soon as she took her eyes off him.

“Anyways,” Monica on the other end was saying. “So, well, I’m not really sure about how to go about this…” She let out a sad sigh, and Teddy had a queasy feeling in his stomach, having a small idea of where she was leading up to.

She didn’t beat around the bush anymore, seemingly wanting to rip off the plaster. “Leo’s funeral is coming up. And well… I thought you might have wanted to come.”

“Oh,” Teddy said, and feeling in his stomach worsened. Why was the funeral happening so soon? Couldn’t she have waited?

A funeral—well, a funeral wouldn’t allow him to fall away into his delusions anymore, and quite frankly that seemed like the worst thing to lose in the world right about now.

“I, um,” Teddy stammered, stalling. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to go, but at the same time, he didn’t really want to disappoint Monica. “I, well—”

“You don’t have to tell me now,” Monica told him kindly.

The offer was tantalizingly tempting, but if he didn’t tell her now, he’d never get around to it.

“I don’t know,” Teddy told her. “It still hurts too much…”

“Right,” Monica said, and he couldn’t quite figure out her tone. “Well, that’s all I wanted to tell you today. Please, don’t be a stranger.”

“Of course.” And he meant it; along the way, he had accidentally made friends with Monica while he was friends with Leo. A consequence of going over to their house one too many times, he supposed.

The line went dead, and Teddy set down the phone shakily.

Not even half a second later, his Gran was interrogating him about who was on the phone.

Teddy considered her warily.

Gran had met Monica about three or four times, but he had to give her the benefit of doubt; voices through the phone could become distorted sometimes, making them hard to recognize. And for Gran, whose age was catching up to her, it was possible that was the case.

Even to Teddy’s ears the argument sounded weak and flimsy. Gran was only just shy of sixty-three.

Gran seemed peeved at the somewhat long pause he had taken. “Teddy, are you listening to me? Well?”

“Oh, that was Monica.”

“Who’s Monica? A girl from your school?”

Teddy gave her a strange look, but erased the confusion off his face. “No, she’s Leo’s mum.”

Gran only proceeded to fix him with a blank stare, and Teddy became desperate. “Leo. You know, Leo my best friend? We were talking about him not a month ago! And then… I don’t know when, but you said you liked his story.”

Her stare narrowed at him, and then said, “Don’t pressure me, I’m trying.”

“I don’t—I’m not—how could you not—” Teddy broke off into incoherent murmurs. “Leo, Gran! He’s my friend! We’re friends! You met him about, like, fifty times!” Not fifty times, but it was a fair few times that she should’ve been able to at least _know his name_.

She wasn’t as distressed as he was, and went over to the sofa to take a seat. Right, he forgot that he only served to tire her out. “Well, clearly not, since I have no recollection of him.”

“No but—” He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated and exhausted. They weren’t an illusion. Leo was not some figment of his imagination—he remembers feeling how solid Leo felt whenever he hugged him, and he specifically remembers how Vega mentioned him to Teddy in passing—Leo was most definitely a real presence to others.

And then—then Monica was there. If Leo wasn’t real, then Monica wouldn’t have sounded so lost and hollow over the phone.

Leo was real. Leo was _real_. He was not fake or an illusion.

Then how could one explain off his Gran?

Teddy didn’t quite like the sound of hearing something was wrong with her, not after what happened this month.

He loved his Gran too much to let go.

This or that.

Pick your poison.

He finished his thought. “No, but he’s real.”

“You’re lying.”

“Why would I lie about this?” His voice rose many octaves, and he knew that his Gran would take this as a sign of him lying but he didn’t care.

“Fine—” His Gran seemed peeved and angry. “If you care so much, why don’t you introduce me to him?”

Something inside him snapped, and he felt like he’d be comfortable to watch everything inside this house burn, including her and him along with it. None of it mattered to him anyways. “That’s the whole point! I can’t! I can’t have you meet him again because he’s _dead_! That’s why this matters so much to me!”

Gran at least had the decency to look somewhat sympathetic, but he couldn’t bring himself to care much for it.

He ran up to his room and sat down on the bed, breathing heavily.

Teddy willed for his heart to stop beating so fast—it made every other thought in his mind dissipate into dust.

And then when it did slow down—he immediately pondered upon _why_ this would occur.

Leo wasn’t an illusion, and Gran wasn’t sick.

So that could only mean…

His eyes burned with tears, and angrily rubbed at his eyes.

That would mean his Gran didn’t care much for or for his friends.

And so… what now?

What does he do now?

He can’t talk to Gran. He can’t talk to Leo. Monica probably honestly didn’t want much to do with him even if she said otherwise—after all, it was because of _him_ that Leo ended up dead.

Suddenly, a surge of hatred surfaced for himself—_why_ didn’t he ever tell him no? Why didn’t he push? Why didn’t he tell Leo to stay the fuck home? Why, why, why?

Still angry and frustrated, Teddy sat himself at his desk, figuring that it would be more productive use this energy to do his homework, even when he was tired as he was. Picking up his pencil with shaky hands, he took out the maths worksheets he’d been assigned.

Maths homework was usually calming enough, so he tried to focus on that, even if the numbers and letters shifted around in the vision of his blurry eyes as tried to do so.

It took quite a bit of time, but most of the maths homework he missed the past week was finished, and he was glad for it.

Next was biology, and he wasn’t as perceptive in that subject, and considering the time of night, he couldn’t even comprehend whatever the hell the Krebs cycle or what the ATP cycle was.

He almost drifted off into sleep, but he caught himself before he could.

Teddy absolutely did not want to fall asleep right now. He couldn’t afford to, and the image of dead birds, a sister he did not want—could not _have—_and two bodies bleeding out came to mind, and they served as motivation for him to keep himself up.

Teddy continued trekking on, trying to finish off the rest of his workload, as half-hearted as it was.

Homework was better than thinking about anything else he had going on his life right now.

—

Bad. Idea. Actually, this was one of the worst ideas he’d had in the world. The _worst_.

When he looked in the mirror this morning, he noticed that the bags under his eyes had worsened, and that his skin looked pale and kind of papery.

It didn’t help him that he seemed notice that he’d gotten bonier in the past few days, or that he’d accidentally lifted up his shirt to find that his stretch marks, well, _existed_.

A trace of anger in his actions, Teddy began to brush his teeth a little too violently when he Gran barged into the bathroom, and he immediately jumped out of his skin for a moment and donned a guilty face. He had nothing to be guilty of though.

Gran eyed him suspiciously, and then quite curtly informed him that the Potters were coming over for the day.

She left, and he was left to the devices of panicking by himself.

He—he wasn’t even prepared for visitors today.

Teddy resigned himself to taking a short shower where he closed his eyes for the whole time and then changing into something presentable, like wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

His pajamas havd never looked more comfy than in this moment.

He looked into the mirror again. Does he have to brush his hair? It didn’t look that bad, and it didn’t knot too easily, now did it?

Maybe he should’ve washed his hair, but he wasn’t really feeling all that inclined to do so.

Teddy scrutinized himself a little further, and then decided no, he could probably go without. He didn’t really have the energy for that.

He walked down the stairs to see his Gran moving around the kitchen more than she has in the last year.

Smiling, he faintly remembered how much she loved to have guests over when he was younger. It had to be said, his Gran was an amazing hostess, and this must be something new and refreshing for her.

And then whatever good he felt about her faded away quickly when he remembered what happened yesterday, smile transforming into a scowl.

Guilty as he felt, this was not something he should forgive her about. He’d done his part. Now it was time for her do hers. …Right?

At the sound of his steps, Gran turned around, and then immediately frowned at him. A moment later, she seemed to forget whatever she disapproved of, and then went back to her cooking.

As he sat down at the living room sofa, the door rang. He made to get the door, but his Gran was already on it, and he slumped back on the sofa. 

The Potters clambered in, bringing all of their good energy and noise with them. As they all entered into the home, he went to hug them reluctantly when he saw that his Gran was giving a glaring look, daring him to do otherwise.

Teddy gave them all short hugs, and he was pretty sure that both Harry and Ginny noticed that they were stiff and uncomfortable. He ignored it, and followed them to the sofa to sit down next to them, and watched as they exchanged conversation with Gran. For a moment he actually forgot that his Gran’s name was Andromeda, and he felt jarred for a moment as he heard Harry and Ginny refer to her as that.

He smiled for a moment, feeling a little out of place. Lingering on that thought for a moment, he frowned. This was his own home, and besides, the Potters were the last people who would ever try to make him feel out of place. That was that, then.

Shifting on the sofa, he caught sight of Albus looking around curiously, the sheer innocence and sincerity making the corners of Teddy’s lips upturn slightly.

A rush of affection flooded his body, and he suddenly wondered if he ever told Leo that he had two younger brothers and one younger sister.

Did he tell Leo that he loved them?

Did he ever tell Leo that he loved him?

The smile on Teddy’s face faltered for a moment, and forced it back on again for Gran’s sake.

He turned to Albus to talk to him, if only to get his mind off of Leo. “Hey Albus.”

Albus smiled a toothy grin, jumping a little in his place. He was actually too adorable. “Hi Teddy! I haven’t see you in a while, why haven’t you been visiting?”

Teddy wasn’t expecting to be guilt tripped today, but here he was being guilt tripped. He looked away for a moment, and then tried to come up with an acceptable response despite the fact that he had seen Albus only a few weeks back. “I’m sorry, Albus. I’ve been busy these days. I’ll try harder, okay?”

Albus smiled at him again, and told him. “That’s okay! We’re here now.”

Teddy gave him a half hug for that response. “You’ve grown so much, Albus. How tall are you now?”

Albus counted on his fingers for a moment. “I’m exactly ninety-nine centimeters tall! My Papa says it’s because I’m eight.”

“And how’s that so far?”

“I like it! My mama and papa got me a stuffed penguin.”

Teddy leaned on the sofa, smiling. His hand absentmindedly played with a stray thread that came from the sofa as he asked of him, “Are penguins your favorite animal?”

The boy opposite him did a small happy dance as an answer, and was about to continue on but was interrupted as they moved to sit at the dining table.

Teddy guessed they were eating lunch now, and shrugged.

His Gran went off into the kitchen do some other last minute things, and he’d expected that Harry and Ginny would help too, as they always were perfectly polite house guests, but this time they didn’t do that.

Writing it off as strange, he almost asked what Albus was about to say before he was cut off by Harry calling him softly.

Teddy looked at him expectantly, and Harry began hesitantly. “I’m not sure how to start this because I’m not really good at these kinds of things… But are you okay?”

Teddy blinked, and then felt a weird swoop in his stomach. “Um… what?”

Harry seemed to lose his confidence, and Ginny picked up where he left off. “Are you okay? From the last time we saw you, you weren’t doing so great…”

“Um—uh—yeah.” Teddy nodded to himself for reassurance, and then laughed that sounded frighteningly fake even to his own ears. He gripped the edges of his seat so hard he could tell that his fingers and palms were both turning white. “Yeah, uh, I’m fine. It’s—it’s okay, I’m dealing with it. I mean, I have to learn how to deal with these things alone, you know?”

Ginny frowned. “No… I mean… no. You don’t have to deal with these things by yourself.” She paused. “How have things been with your Gran? Has she been treating you alright?”

It was now Teddy’s turn to pause, and think about the question. He scowled, and crossed his arms across his chest. Refusal to look anywhere near Harry and Ginny was apparent. “I’m sorry, but what exactly are you implying about my Gran? That she doesn’t take care of me? That she doesn’t raise me well?”

Catching a hold of Teddy’s anger and defensiveness, she backtracked. With a soft and unassuming voice, she told him, “No, not at all. We know your Gran’s been taking care of you fine. It’s just that we’ve noticed that she hasn’t been doing so well and we didn’t want it to affect you.”

Teddy fixed her with a blank look. He wasn’t sure that was really her place to be asking. Shouldn’t they be bringing his Gran into the conversation as well? Since it included her and all.

Then, he thought it probably wasn’t worth antagonizing Harry and Ginny when their true intentions were only to check up on him. He couldn’t really fault them for that. And so he replied with a curt, “It hasn’t.”

Harry and Ginny didn’t seem to believe him, if their doubtful faces told him anything. But they let go when they realized that Teddy wouldn’t talk about the matter anymore, and he had to give them credit for that.

A few moments later, his Gran came back, holding a steaming metal pot with a towel. She set it down on the table, and took her own seat at the end of the table. It made her look like she was the head of the house, which in all reality, she was. Nobody else owned the Black household.

“Well,” Gran began with a hint of a smile, “let’s eat.”

As she doled out the food, Lily engaged Teddy, and he was more than happy to oblige.

She was more than eager to talk about her friends at school, and what she had been learning in art class.

“That’s amazing Lily,” Teddy told her sincerely. “It’s good to have a hobby at school. Do you want to keep drawing?”

Lily nodded. “Yes! I like drawing people. I drew my friend for her birthday, and she told me that it looks exactly like her!”

“Really?” Teddy questioned with the appropriate amount of drama and shock. “I’d love one of your drawings.”

Lily nodded frantically. “Yeah! I could use markers and colored pencils and my mum also got me a pack of glitter the other day…”

And so her ramble continued, and he listened fondly. Lily could be so enthusiastic sometimes, and it rubbed off.

Gran heard Lily talk on as she waxed poetic about what other ideas she had for pieces of art, and she listened intently.

Teddy watched her as she did so. In his chest, he felt a sudden flare of jealousy. Why did his Gran have time for a girl she barely saw in literally the entirety of her life, while she couldn’t spare even a minute for him? Was he really that uninteresting? Did he have nothing good to say?

He did, he really did, but… Maybe he was the one who didn’t give his Gran enough chances. Maybe he was the one that never bothered to actually interact with his Gran and let her hear his thoughts.

She was capable of it, as she had shown him when they’d went out to the café a while back.

Now wouldn’t be a good idea to ask again?

Teddy nodded the slightest bit to himself, reassuring that it was. He’d have to do it sometime later this week, even though he didn’t really feel like going outside, or do much of anything. But it would be worth it. Hopefully.

“Teddy!”

He blinked at hearing his name, and looked at the source of the sound with a confused look.

It was Gran, and she looked incredibly furious.

Teddy folded in on himself, trying to make himself seem smaller in his seat, frightened.

His Gran was a formidable woman when she was angry, and nobody wanted to be on the receiving end of her ire, least of all him.

“Did you hear anything I said?”

Imperceptibly, he shook his head, and immediately began wringing his hands. It was a bad habit he couldn’t shake off.

“No?” Gran told him, an unidentifiable look her eye. It didn’t foretell him of good things. “Your teacher just called,” she continued with a quieter voice and a more relaxed expression—he knew that she was nothing but. Somehow that seemed more dangerous than when she was yelling.

A moment passed, and he managed to ask, “Who?” His lip wobbled, and he was pretty sure that everyone in this room could tell that he was on the verge of tears.

Teddy wanted to so badly tear away from this situation and into the safety of his room, but he knew that Gran wouldn’t let go of him so easily. A rush of resentment passed through him; why would she ever make him endure this in front of the few people he actually liked? Why would she make him sit in front of the Potters and do this?

“Your math teacher. She tells me that your grade in math is a 68. Now, would you care to explain why?”

He didn’t know what to say. How do you explain away a 68? Tell the truth? Tell a lie? It wouldn’t matter either way; both would have the same consequences.

And besides, he was literally just finding out _now_ about the 68 in his math class.

“Are you going to answer me or not?” Gran raised her voice a bit, and Teddy shifted away from her.

“I—I don’t—”

“Stop dawdling and tell me,” she snapped suddenly.

Teddy bit his lip, and wondered why his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. It was hard for his hands to form even a loose fist.

“Maybe be it was because I missed a week of school,” he said in a small voice.

“A week of school,” his Gran repeated with a blank sort of voice. She said it again, but in a shrilly tone of voice. “I knew I should have made you go to school!” She muttered to herself for a bit and then turned on Teddy. “And _you_, now why the hell did you not go to school for a week? Did you know that you’d miss so much homework? Did you know that your grade was going to be a 68? Where do you get off thinking that a 68 is an okay grade to have? What are your other grades in your other classes?”

Teddy shook his head, unsure of whether he could speak without his voice breaking.

“I don’t know what that means,” she told him, repeating his action. “Use your words. If you’re even capable of that.” Then in a lower voice, she continued, “You weren’t even capable of brushing your hair this morning.”

That was it. His Gran was legitimately trying to torture him.

His hands went up to his hair to smooth it down, and vaguely heard his Gran laugh derisively, “Oh, so now you care? It doesn’t matter now.”

Teddy heard someone break into tears, and he couldn’t tell if it was him or not.

Harry thought now was the time to intervene in this situation gone out of hand, and it seemed that any semblance of politeness had gone out the window. “Andromeda, I think it’s time to stop.” There was an edge to his voice.

Gran laughed again in that same dismissive way. “Don’t tell me how to raise my child, Harry.”

Teddy didn’t bother to listen anymore, having completely shut down.

He honestly didn’t want to hear about how Gran thought he was her grandchild while she acted like he wasn’t any given chance.

Teddy stared out the window, and absentmindedly watched as the clouds moved across the sky slowly.

A while later, a hand touched his shoulder, and he jumped.

“Sorry,” Harry told him.

Teddy blinked, and swept his gaze over his surroundings. Gran was nowhere to be seen, and the Potter children seemed to be sitting in the living room, watching TV. Harry and Ginny were sat on either side of him.

“…It’s fine,” he replied a minute later, having taken some time to process what exactly Harry had said.

“Are… you okay?” Ginny asked, wincing as she did so. She probably knew what a dumb question that was.

“I don’t know,” Teddy said, suddenly feeling the impact of all the emotions he shut away when his Gran started to scold him. Tears burned behind his eyes, and he sniffled, feeling embarrassed for this sudden show of weakness.

He hated crying, but he hated crying in front of people in even more.

“It’s okay if you aren’t,” Harry told him softly. “Is it okay if you put an arm around you?”

Teddy almost shook his head no, and even began to do so, but then changed his mind at the last second nodded his head ‘yes’ frantically.

The moment Harry did so, Teddy hugged him back ferociously, and felt what was probably Ginny’s hand rubbing his back.

His shoulders shook as he cried, but the feeling of thinking the world would stop turning didn’t ebb away.

Would he even be okay?


	8. Moonstruck Protagonist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he walked into school today, the only emotion that was on the forefront on his mind was that he felt like he shouldn’t be here today.
> 
> Warning: Panic attacks, grief, and unpleasant thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place around April 2013. 
> 
> I don't own Pokemon Special, Black Butler, Noragami, or Blue Exorcist. They're all great mangas, by the way.
> 
> Not going to lie, the coming chapters are going to be a little sad but also filled with much drama. These also happen to be some of my favorite chapters, so I don't know what that says about me. 
> 
> Also, this novel officially has more chapters than Miracle, which is really wild. At the time, I really did think that Miracle was going to be the novel that I would work on for the better part of the year, and that just... didn't happen. That's not to say that I abandoned it, but I think I'm better equipped to write it now than I was a year ago.

As he walked into school today, the only emotion that was on the forefront on his mind was that he felt like he shouldn’t be here today.

Teddy didn’t want to get up in the morning, he didn’t want to get ready, he didn’t want to go to school, and he certainly didn’t feel like going through at least seven classes today.

That was a lot to go through in one day. It really was.

But unfortunately for him, his Gran had followed through with his promise and made him get up at seven o’clock sharp each morning, and he resented her more and more for it.

It was irrational and foolish. Teddy _knew _that keeping up his hygiene was a good thing, but as soon as his Gran ordered him to do so, he suddenly felt like he shouldn’t do that.

God that sounded dumb, but after what happened, he hadn’t felt like listening to what she said too much.

But if he was being brutally honest, regardless of any feelings he might have felt on the subject, he truly only felt like the only way to stay out of the receiving end of her ire was to listen to what she said.

Teddy didn’t feel like he had much of choice.

So after all that, he had no idea what Harry and Ginny had meant when they told him that he drop by if he ever needed it; the platitude was nice but it didn’t seem to fit in at all with the life around him. They were acting as if he had a say.

And on that lonely thought, he arrived at physical education, one of his first classes of the day.

It wasn’t a bad class per se, but it sure was an annoying one when it was cold outside or it had just rained before.

The laps were bad, but they didn’t occur often, and for that fact, he was extremely grateful. His sore muscles often didn’t allow him to enjoy them, and the only time he did was when he was with Leo, and every time he did them he always expected Leo to run past him with a hello of his.

Teddy was always disappointed.

Shaking those kinds of thoughts off, he went into the boys changing rooms. He wasn’t a big fan of changing in public, but he had to do what he had to do. Most of the time, the bathrooms would be open for him to use, but today, that seemed to not be the case.

At least he didn’t have to face a mirror—he hated looking at himself. Even the rare glance at his body put him off for the day, even though it shouldn’t.

He pulled off his shirt and immediately pulled on his gym shirt, hoping that no one else looked.

(Expressly, he ignored the laughs echoing around in the changing rooms, telling himself that they weren’t for him. They weren’t.)

Sliding on his sneakers, he pushed past an older looking boy who probably shared the same class with him, and happened to spare him a small smile at Teddy’s inquisitive look.

Teddy wrenched his gaze away to hide his face; when he blushed it was way too obvious.

It didn’t help that he was actually… kind of cute?

He’d never noticed that kind of thing before.

All of this was just so new to him, and currently the people he wanted to talk to were either dead or he either felt like he was burdening them with too much.

Heaving a sigh, he got the warm ups over with, and followed the rest of the class outside, rubbing his arms for warmth.

The coach gave the assignment of either playing volleyball or running laps.

A hard choice, but he thinks he might pass up on playing volleyball, and walked to the track field. It was a choice between being hit with the ball multiple times, or do a half-jog around the field where he could at least be out of the range of being hit.

Absentmindedly, he walked around the track, thinking about everything and nothing all at once; usually it was him daydreaming about cool ideas or things he could do when he was older; because who was to say he could do them now?

He often thought about the what kind of home he wanted, but quite frankly, Teddy didn’t know what he wanted his home to have, because what did a home look like? The Potters’ home was way too cluttered and messy that he didn’t even know if there was a house underneath all that stuff.

James and Lily were absolute fiends and didn’t really care for cleaning up after themselves after they’ve played with their toys. Albus, on the other hand was quieter, and it was hard to tell what he was thinking. But he was really a sweetheart, and he was always enthusiastic about talking to his friends and also about his interests.

Teddy noticed that he liked to play with the ducks in the pond a lot, even feeding them occasionally with sunflower seeds and cut up grapes.

He wasn’t sure if Albus was just incredibly enthusiastic about birds or animals in general, but the fact that he was responsible for most of the care of his pet rat said something.

Seeing the Potter kids last time was so nice, despite Gran. He should visit them sometime soon. Maybe he could make something for them, as a thank you. Or a nice surprise, right? That couldn’t hurt—

“Ouch,” Teddy yelped, and fell knees first on the ground.

He looked down at his knees to see that both were bleeding, wincing as they started burning.

Looking behind him, a stray ball was rolling away lazily, and saw someone running up to it.

Vaguely, he recognized it as Vega. She approached him, looking at him, terrified.

Immediately, she ran off into a ramble of apologies, in the meanwhile also attempting to get him up on his feet.

Teddy glanced in annoyance at the hands that were touching him, and Vega, at least not completely oblivious to how he felt, let go. But she didn’t stop giving him sorry looks.

“It’s fine,” he sighed, putting up a small smile for her sake. “I might need to go to the infirmary though.”

“Oh, that’s fine,” Vega said immediately. “I can take you there if you like.”

Teddy considered saying no and leaving her to it, but he tried to move and his knees wobbled so much that he had to put his arms around Vega, despite just having told _her_ not to touch him. Sighing, he said, “That’d be good, thank you.”

They walked over the coach at the end of the field (well, in Teddy’s case, more like stumbling on his own two feet more than once), who called over another student who was walking by to help him.

Seeing who it was, he protested immediately that Vega was all the help he needed, and he really wasn’t bleeding that _badly_ right and—

The coach still said no.

Teddy resigned himself to being in the company of the new boy he had saw not too long ago.

Blushing, he looked away, unable to meet his eyes. It wasn’t that hard to do so, considering that he was at least a few centimeters taller than him.

“Er, hello,” the stranger said, looking confused. “Let’s go to the infirmary, yeah? That looks like it hurts. Do you need a plaster for it? Gauze?”

Teddy nodded, not a sound coming out of him.

“So,” he continued, apparently not one for silence, “what’s your name?”

“This is Teddy,” Vega blurted out.

“I could’ve done it myself you know,” Teddy informed her as all three of them finally made it to the main campus. They turned a corner that lead to the courtyard.

“Sorry,” she replied, donning a guilty face.

“No need,” he told her, blinking in surprise.

“Nice to meet you, Teddy. I’m August.”

“Nice to meet you as well,” Teddy murmured, looking away.

A moment passed in silence. Teddy tried not to notice the way August seemed to be analyzing him, a curious expression on his face.

Abruptly, August said, “Do I know you? Are you new here?”

“New…?” Teddy gave a scandalized look to the boy beside him. “I’ve been going to this school for my whole life.”

August blinked. “Oh. I guess I must’ve not noticed you around here then. My fault.” He gave a self-deprecating sort of smile.

Vega snorted. “How do you not notice a whole person? Haven’t you been, like, in this class the whole year with him?”

“Yes, well, I’m also in Year eleven,” August protested. “And if you haven’t noticed, Teddy’s probably, what, a year ten?”

Teddy confirmed it.

Vega paused. “Yeah. Why are you here today anyways? Don’t you have a whole separate class? You shouldn’t be here.”

“Well, our teacher happened to be gone today without any warning...”

And the conversation went on, which quite frankly Teddy was tiring of. He hated being the third wheel, and he also hated being a part of a conversations he had no way of partaking in.

So it was a welcome sight when the infirmary came into view, and, relieved, he walked into the room, leaving behind Vega and August to their own business. It was clear that they knew each other quite well, and he frankly didn’t want to break that up, nor did he really feel like putting in the effort into being friends with the both of them.

It was better this way, wasn’t it?

—

_He will be calm. He will be patient. He will be calm. He will be patient. He will be calm. He will be patient. He will be—_

This was the mantra he had took on this afternoon, and really for the rest of the night. It was calming in a weird way, consistent in its beat and it was predictable.

Maybe if Teddy said it enough times, he would actually achieve patience and be in a state of calm.

He could believe, anyways.

Currently, keeping this promise to himself was getting increasingly hard.

Anger was not a new emotion to him; in fact, he’d felt it many times over the course of his life, but this particular emotion had made an appearance exponentially more nowadays, and it was kind of confusing.

Especially now.

Teddy loved his Gran. He really did. As such, he’d never really gotten angry—or at least, not _viscerally_ angry.

It had started off as a sort of okay—_maybe_ hinging on a good day. Just as any other day.

School wasn’t even that intolerable today. He’d managed to get through—he didn’t feel good, but he didn’t feel bad. Neutral ground was better than nothing, if he was being honest.

He’d come home, and he’d opened up his laptop (his completely new laptop, actually, a belated birthday gift from the Potters. He’d tried to not accept it, but the Potters really are one stubborn bunch), intending on starting his math homework, that was for some reason online this time around? It really never had been before, and starting now seemed counterproductive.

Anyways, he had opened his laptop, and he’d say that he’d gotten a good portion of his homework done before he opened up YouTube to listen to music.

It was at this moment that his Gran decided to walk into his room without any warning, perched herself on his bed, and began to question what exactly he was doing.

That was fine. He was used to it, and he had figured out a way to handle it without being too stressed or distressed.

Then, his Gran, once again without any preamble, came up behind him and stared at his computer screen, evaluating what exactly he was doing, and then breaking off into another spiel about how he wasted so much of his time doing things that don’t even matter, and how it was setting him back academically, and that she’d have half a mind to give back the laptop back to the Potters because he couldn’t actually stay on task while using it.

Then she left.

That was it. That was all that happened.

But then he thought about for how long she stared at the computer screen, or the fact that she had done it at all, and the anger flared again like a raging fire.

Teddy hands balled into fists, and he slightly squished the apple he was holding in his one hand, apple juice dripping down his hand.

Staring at a computer was nothing. It was nothing. _It was nothing. _

The only thing was she stared for what seemed like an eternity, waiting to see what he would do, or if he even could do homework while she was watching.

To be honest, who was even capable of doing work when someone was watching them intently? The answer was probably no one. He knew no one who was capable of that.

At that moment, Teddy also happened to be listening to music. For a brief moment, his Gran had saw what kind of music he was listening to, it felt like he was laid bare for a moment, all opened up for her to criticize and pick at.

He was doing nothing wrong, yet it was impossible to shake the feeling that Gran might use this against him somehow.

If she did, he wouldn’t be surprised.

It was surprising to him that he wouldn’t be surprised.

Teddy supposed that this was where he was in life now.

Taking a moment to collect his wits, he figured that he should talk to someone, maybe call them.

He threw away the apple in a small trash can he had in his room, grabbed the phone that his Gran had given him earlier that year as a hand me down, and punched in the number he wanted to call like clockwork; he didn’t even need to think about it, almost as if it was muscle memory.

For a small while, Teddy felt something lift off his chest at the thought of at least having someone to talk to; it was somewhat relieving because the thought of keeping it all in legitimately stressed him out.

If he didn’t have Leo, then who exactly would be there for him?

“Hello?”

Teddy startled at the unfamiliar voice on the other end. He didn’t know that Leo had any other family than his mother, for one.

Tentatively, he answered, “Hello? Is Leo home?”

“Leo…? No, I’m sorry, you must have the wrong number.”

“Oh,” he stammered, “I’m sorry about that.” Bringing the phone down, he pressed the ‘end call’ button, and stared blankly at the mirror like screen on his phone.

Seeing that he looked literally dead on the inside, he tossed the phone away, which thankfully landed on the softest part of his bed.

The heavy feeling in his chest returned, seeming to come back heavier than ever.

Flopping down onto his bed, he absentmindedly noted the designs on the ceiling.

Someone had already taken Leo’s number. _Someone had already taken Leo’s number. _

He closed his eyes for a moment, and wiped away the stray tears. Had it really been that long?

Leo died—he shuddered to think of it—on April first. On his birthday.

Today was… 

A quick look at his phone told him it was April twenty eighth.

That wasn’t that long, truth be told, and it felt like an eternity and a millisecond had passed by all at once.

Only a little less than a month had passed by, and it already seemed like people were forgetting him, and that was a hard realization to contend with.

Even Vega, who at first looked to be somewhat lost and sad at the loss of Leo the first week around, appeared to bounce back wonderfully despite that.

How well did she know Leo anyways?

It was funny to him, how the only people in the world who remembered Leo now were Monica and him, and to those who only were acquainted with him probably didn’t care—he knew this especially well because those kids in his English class never stopped making fun of him for looking so sad over a boy barely no one knew.

Teddy knew him though. Didn’t that count for something?

Was it easy for them, to declare Leo as nonexistent because he was no longer physically here?

It appeared to him that his Gran certainly thought so, considering how unruffled she looked when she told him that she didn’t know who Leo was.

God, the world really was something else, wasn’t it?

Teddy understood why people said that what you do in the world hardly mattered; both the universe and the world were far too big and there were far too many people here for any one person to really make a difference.

The same thing applied to death, didn’t it?

For a moment, it felt like a small black hole opened up in his lungs, sucking away all his air.

Sitting up quickly, Teddy attempted to regulate his breathing, using a method he had learned from his teacher.

He was skeptical of whether it would truly work or not, but it kept his mind off having to think so existentially about his or Leo’s place in the world.

Closing the curtains, he curled up in his bed, despite knowing he wouldn’t get any sleep with the harsh sunlight still shining through the curtains.

It was better than doing everything else that he had to do right now anyways. 

Teddy covered himself up using his blanket and rocked himself for a bit, hoping to God that he could at least fall asleep within the next three hours.

—

Teddy often did not eat lunch in the cafeteria hall due to the fact that there was a perfectly good detention room that was next to his maths classroom.

He paused for a moment, and then snorted to himself, a small smile on his face, supposing that ‘perfectly good’ and ‘detention room’ absolutely did not belong together. To be fair, it wasn’t the worst oxymoron that existed.

The detention room next to the maths room was quite nice, something he and Leo had discovered closer to the beginning of year ten. Frankly, it was actually a pretty spacey classroom. There were usually many students there every day for lunch detention—well, perhaps not _that _many, but there were quite a few regulars.

Some of the teachers might regard them as troublemakers for being a bit of nuisance in their classrooms, but most of the time their offenses were fairly harmless—stuff like falling asleep in the classroom, being caught throwing wads of paper, or being late to class.

Teddy had become kind of a regular in the room, and the teacher that supervised the students had long given up on advising him not to come in here for the lunch hour because he usually wasn’t there for detention.

Honestly, Teddy found that he couldn’t stay away for the pure fact that the atmosphere was fun, friendly, and teasing, and the students made him laugh occasionally.

He didn’t really come here often with or without Leo, but after the past few weeks, this was practically a haven, and the fact of its fun atmosphere made this room more and more important to him in the past few weeks.

He pushed open the door, and saw the clusters of students sitting together, or milling around.

Taking his place at his usual desk next to Samirah, he set his bag down and brought out his food and the book he paged through leisurely.

Samirah grinned at him when he glanced at her, and he managed a genuine smile at her.

His eyes swept over the rest of the classroom, and felt comforted at the familiar faces. He paused a moment, and then flitted back to the back of the room, where Vega was sitting.

Vega caught his look, and looked relieved to find a friendly face. She darted over to the desk behind him, and sighed to him, “Oh, thank God.”

Teddy tilted his head at her. “What are you here for?”

“For sleeping in class. I’d only gotten four hours of sleep last night and…” Vega shrugged. “Now, why would you be here? I didn’t think you’d really be the type to cause trouble.”

He shrugged. “I like it here. The atmosphere and friendliness... is nice. You know?”

“That makes sense, I guess. Though I don’t really feel like that right now.” Vega gave a sort of strained smile, and Teddy got the idea that she wasn’t used to being in detention either. He’d comfort her, but he didn’t know if they were at that point yet. “Not hungry today?” she asked on.

“Oh, er, no not really…” He shrugged. To be honest, he didn’t really feel like eating at all these days, though by dinner time he couldn’t ignore his hunger.

She nodded, and then glanced behind him curiously. “What book are you reading?”

“Um…” Teddy hesitated, trying to remember the name.

She smirked at him a bit. “You know you can just look at the book, right?”

A blush rose to his face, and he spluttered for a few seconds. “…I think it was _Some Quiet Place_ by Kelsey Sutton.”

Vega leaned back in her seat, resting her legs on top of the desk. “Sounds interesting. Do you read often?”

“I’m really not a big fan, but I’ve really got nothing better to do with my time. Most books I try to read don’t usually capture my attention in the first few pages, so I really have to force myself.”

“I don’t usually read books either, but I’m usually really good at blasting through fanfictions.”

Teddy tilted his head and gave Vega a curious look. “Fanfiction? For what fandoms?”

Vega contemplated this, probably wondering about whether she should take the chance of whether she should tell more about herself. Finally, deeming it okay, she responded, “When I was younger, I used to read a lot of fanfictions for anime. I think I read a lot for Powerpuff Girls Z and Pokémon Special.” She propped her arm on the desk and leaned her head on it. Dreamily, she sighed, “I really used to love Specialshipping and MangaQuestshipping.”

He conceded to her point. “I don’t know much about Powerpuff Girls, but I did happen to love Pokémon Special when I was younger. I didn’t have any favorite ships, but I really liked Ruby and Sapphire a lot, even if their behavior sort of flagged to me as weird.”

“Classic ship dude. I stopped reading those kinds of fanfictions purely for the fact that I grew older, but sometimes I go back to it. Tumblr is nice and all, but it has some weird ass shit on it.” Vega glanced away and shuddered.

“Like… what?”

“I’m not really sure you know the kind of question you’re asking, Teddy. That’s not an answer you want to know.”

“I think in can handle it…. maybe.” Teddy shrugged. “So?”

Vega pushed forward, closer to him. “Stuff like self-inserts and reader fics.”

Teddy frowned, and then a strange sort of laugh came out of him. “Huh? I know self inserts, but what are reader fics?”

“It’s where people write stories where, you yourself are the main character. Probably uses ‘y/n’ in place of the main character’s name.”

“That’s frankly not the strangest thing I’ve heard of, but I can see where they might get weird if people write about real people. That just… sounds invasive, and probably insensitive.” Teddy scrunched his nose in distaste. “People can write that if they want to, but I think there might be more restrictions and disclaimers around it so you avoid hurting others. I imagine that there might be maybe a few legal consequences if taken too far.”

Vega nodded in agreement. “Do you read much fanfiction? Or write it?”

“Not much actually. And writing seems a little too close to…” _To Leo_.

Vega realized her mistake and backtracked. “Oh shit dude, I’m sorry…”

Teddy blinked, and he kind of wished that she’d stop treating him like a porcelain doll. He was somewhat in shambles, but he didn’t think he was at the point where he would shy away from any mention of Leo. He wanted to remember him as best as he could after all.

Quickly, he brushed her apology away. “You’re fine. I used to read fanfiction, but I’ve since stopped due to…” He gestured vaguely to the classroom.

“Oh,” she told him, and gave him a sympathetic smile. “I understand that. School’s a bitch, you know?”

Teddy nodded.

Regaining her excitement, she continued on, saying, “If I may, may I possibly recommend to you some mangas—or animes, whatever you want to call it—that I absolutely _adore_?”

Teddy smiled at her. “Hit me with it.”

“I’ve got three, actually.” She put up three fingers and put a finger down for each manga she named. “Noragami, Black Butler, and Blue Exorcist.”

He nodded at her, contemplating her suggestions. “I’ve heard of all three, actually. I haven’t gotten the chance to read them though.”

“You should, it’s practically criminal if you don’t!” Vega declared resolutely. “Please tell me when you start, I’d love to talk more about them.”

“Sure,” he agreed amiably.

A silence passed over them, but was immediately broken as Anthony, the boy seated a few desks in front of him, asked of him rather abruptly, “Hey, Teddy, do you think I should throw this pint of ice cream?” He waved the offending item in Teddy’s face.

First of all, Teddy had many questions. Where did he get the ice cream, how was it not melted yet, why would you want to waste perfectly good ice cream, and _why the hell would someone want to throw it_?

“That’s a really bad idea, I don’t think—” He was not nearly as quick in his answer, and Anthony followed through regardless.

Teddy let out a shriek, and ducked, afraid of the ice cream landing on him.

It actually landed on someone else’s desk with the container and the ice cream (well, now an incomprehensible blob of white, brown, and speckles of something edible or another) separated. They looked indignant, as they were so rudely interrupted while deeply immersed in reading their book, and not nearly as shocked as they should’ve been.

That just goes to show how normal this sort of clownery was; different day, same stuff.

Watching all of this go down was a weird experience, he noted to himself as he saw with his own two eyes the whole classroom descending into excited chaos.

Teddy turned to Vega, who still seemed shocked at what was going on, but to him it really was nothing new.

He cleared his throat, catching her attention. “Well, I think it might be time for me to take my leave.”

“It just might be,” she told him, a tentative grin forming as the class continued its chaos, looking on as the teacher slowly lost their cool.

—

Teddy was convinced that he doesn’t know how to sleep anymore. He wasn’t sure when he got the notion quite yet, but it was a fact that become clearer to him as the days and weeks went by.

Yes, the count was up to weeks now.

More often than not, he actually did attempt to sleep at a fairly reasonable time, maybe around eleven o’clock so that he got a solid amount of sleep. You know, as one should for his age group.

But someone out there—Teddy wasn’t aware of who—was actually out to get him. This was an undisputed fact to him.

He usually wasn’t like this. Honest. Just only a few months back he was completely capable of going to bed at ten o’clock and fall asleep within ten minutes, or he’d lie down in his chair downstairs and it would take mere seconds.

There was something wrong.

His sleep issues were becoming quite a problem—to the point people actually bothered to ask him if he was okay. Now, that was a nuisance because it took a bit of time to convince others that he was fine, and that they really couldn’t help him.

Teddy stumbled back to his bed, absolutely sure that there was nothing more he could do. He’d knocked out most of his maths homework—at least the easy worksheets, the hard worksheets were too much to process this late at night—and had begun that project for science, though his research was probably useless and incomprehensible chicken scratch.

He’d also turned off every light in his room, and used inanimate objects to cover up any small source of light. It really had come to the point where any light annoyed him and he _had _to rectify it as soon as he caught sight of it—the point was that there should be no difference between when he closed his eyes and opened his eyes.

Making himself comfortable in his bed, he closed his eyes, hoping that at least imagining about fantasy worlds would put him to sleep.

Next morning, when he woke up—mind you, at half hour to seven; that was pretty damn early for him—he woke up with the image of Leo imprinted in his mind.

It was not a particularly terrifying or chilling dream—in reality, the dream stayed in the nostalgic realm for the most part.

As Teddy walked to the bathroom—accepting that he wouldn’t be going back to sleep anytime soon—he tried to remember what it was about; he was pretty sure it was just a retelling of when Leo had visited his home for the first time.

They ate coconut and dark chocolate bars and talked over that hot chocolate they’d both made… with a few obstacles.

Slowly, remnants of the dream came back to him—the only strange part of that dream was that there were no voices. There were the usual creaks of the home and occasional whistling of the wind, but nothing else. Absolutely nothing else.

His mind substituted his own voice, but Leo still had nothing coming out of his mouth.

The grip on his toothbrush loosened, and his arm went slack.

What did Leo’s voice sound like?

What was it like? Was it raspy? Was it high? Was it breathy, or fruity, flat, low, loud—?

_What did his voice sound like? _

His chest constricted painfully, and it almost felt like a heart attack.

Hands went down to the edge of the sink and gripped it tightly—all he could focus on was how the color receded from his fingers, leaving behind a pale white.

It was like all the air from his lungs was being taken away before he could breathe it in.

His arms couldn’t stop shaking, and he wished so hard that they’d stop. It made his grip on things looser, and his toothbrush fell to the ground with sharp clack on the tiles.

After—how long had it been now? After whatever amount of time he took to get over this unnecessary and waste of time, the tightness in his chest loosened slightly, his vision stopped looking so blurry, and the shakiness in his arms eased little by little.

Strangely devoid of emotions, all that was left was a startling amount of festering anger—because honestly? What kind of best friend was he? To forget his own friend’s voice?

What if he forgot what Leo looked like? What if he forgot all his little quirks, like the way he loops his lowercase g’s? Or the way he picked on the skin of his elbow when he was uncomfortable?

Taking a slow breath, Teddy looked in the mirror, and realized that he hated what he looked like—and the way he had freaked out only seemed to make it worse. He looked more tired than he was before, and his wispy eyebrows were at a slant that showed just how distressed he felt. The elf ears that he had were a shade of red, but they were covered by the much too long parted hair of his.

His hair looked _so _bad. Why did he ever keep it like this?

He remembered that there was a pair of those professional scissors to cut hair—Gran often found that haircuts were way too far away to get a professional to do it, so she taught herself the basics of it.

And so, it would be completely possible to cut his hair right now. There was nothing stopping him; right now, it was just him and his own presence.

Teddy almost reached for the scissors too, and stopped his hand abruptly. He closed his eyes tightly, and sighed.

Cut his hair? Cut his _hair_?

He brought his hand back to him quickly, berating himself for his absurd impulsiveness.

If he cut his hair, his Gran would have a time of absolutely beating his ass—well, not _really_, but his Gran would take the chance to somehow turn into a rant of how much of a disappointment he was.

Teddy would like to avoid that right now.

Not to mention, he already looked like a fifteenth century farmer’s boy, and he was sure that tightly curled short and uneven hair would only add to that image.

He picked his toothbrush back up, and wondered to himself that it had been one _hell_ of a day, and it was only the beginning of the day.

—

The time was approximately one twenty one p.m. and in the usual lunch detention room when the solution for the light problem in his room struck Teddy.

He was doing nothing much, just reading the new book he’d checked out—but it from there his inspiration came from, as the main character was making pottery in her 3-D Art class.

What if he used clay? To cover up the tiny crevices that he couldn’t quite cover up with the smaller objects in his room? It was malleable and probably dense enough—it was wild enough to actually work.

And that was that.

Teddy immediately threw his book in his book bag and fled the detention room, ignoring the calls of surprise from behind him.

He practically ran to the cafeteria hall, looking like something out of a novel as he dramatically threw open the doors to the cafeteria, as if he was moonstruck protagonist about to confess his deepest love for his lover just as they were about to give in to their parents’ wishes of an arranged marriage.

His mind… certainly went to some weird places that was for sure.

But that wasn’t the point.

Teddy took a deep breath, as that run to the cafeteria hall really did wear him down somewhat. He swept his gaze over the crowd, thankful to note that the entirety of the cafeteria didn’t notice his rather pronounced arrival.

Finding his target, he made his way over to her table, accidentally startling Vega out of the conversation she was having with one of her other friends.

Teddy realized that this was probably rude as hell and what not, but he really was a boy on a mission.

Even embarrassment wouldn’t stop him.

…Maybe.

“Hey, Vega,” Teddy said, and he couldn’t quite help it if he sounded a little breathless. (Because he was.)

Vega smiled at him, taking on a surprised curve. “Oh, hey. Did you need something?”

He cringed internally a little bit. Did he really only ever come to Vega when he needed something?

Well, no, this was the only time he had ever came to Vega for help. But still. It didn’t really help the image.

“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you—”

“You’re not,” Vega interjected.

“—but I really need your help. You take 3-D art right?”

Her eyebrows raised, but Teddy made no attempt to explain himself. He really didn’t want let her in on what was going on in his life right now; it was probably a good idea to figure out what to do first on his own.

“Er, yes,” Vega responded, blinking.

“Great.” Teddy flashed what was hopefully a charming smile. “Do you think the teacher would let me take some clay?”

A pucker formed in between her eyebrows. “But… why?”

The lie fell from his lips easily. “Just for a project I want to try out at home. Can you take me to the 3-D art room?”

“Yeah sure, of course.”

As soon as she got her bag and stuff together, he practically dragged her out of the cafeteria while she protested.

“Ouch—Teddy!”

He let go, looking sheepishly at her. “I’m sorry.”

“Jesus, you really seem excited for this project. Since I’m taking you oh so graciously, you should tell me what you’re making.”

He really hadn’t thought this far, so this was unanticipated. “Um, I just wanted to try making a pot—something that my dad used to do. I just wanted to see what it would feel like—you know?”

That was a complete lie, and for a second it looked like that Vega was going to call him out on it, but then she left it.

Thank god.

They turned a corner, and it really was starting to look like the Arts and Performance hallway, considering how much more flare and decoration was to it.

That seemed like the only way to describe it.

The walls were decorated with deliberate graffiti and detailed murals, and it was a colorful sight to take in.

“Cool, right?” Vega nudged him with her shoulder.

Teddy nodded, looking around.

Not to say that everything else wasn’t beautiful, but the thing that caught his eye the most was the wall dedicated to student photography, on both the GCSE level and the A-level students as well.

He slowed to a stop at the wall, gaze flitting around to each piece, each seeming like its own experience.

There was one piece of two children playing at a beach in jaunty angle, and the sun had perfectly caught the mist of water, creating a rainbow. There was another where a girl was sitting down on a bench, and she was holding an umbrella over herself. A cloud was forming underneath her umbrella, obscuring her face. The color palette was gray toned, and it really added to the overall mood—and that was just about as much he knew about photography.

The one that really caught his eye was actually a fairly simple piece. It was merely a girl standing on a step ladder outside on a grassy field, raising the arm that was holding a big paintbrush. The entire picture was in black and white, but there was a speckle of blue, as if the girl had already begun to paint the sky in what would soon to be an array of bright colors.

Teddy wasn’t sure how long he was standing there, but he finally snapped out of his trance when Vega shoved him a little.

“Hey—come on, lunch is almost ending and I still have to take you to the 3-D art room…”

Teddy merely began walking again in response.

Vega caught up to him. “Are you okay? You kind of spaced out there for a minute or two.”

“I’m fine. The photography was really beautiful though, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess so. I’d never really taken a close look at that wall though.”

“You really should,” he told her earnestly, turning to look at her. “This school has some talented people in it.”

Vega glanced at the wall, and a faint smile appeared, apparently catching something that made her happy. “Yeah. It really does.”


	9. Death in its Carriage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a small English classroom on the other end of the school campus, Teddy caught Vega leaning back in her desk next to him and give out the biggest sigh.
> 
> Warning: Emotional abuse, suicide ideation (not too in detail).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place between late May and late June of 2013. 
> 
> Both the line in the chapter and the title are adapted from Emily Dickinson's Because I could not stop for Death.
> 
> Bit of a heavy chapter, yeah. Was also kind of hard to write too, because that fight between Gran and Teddy took a lot out of me to put into words.

In a small English classroom on the other end of the school campus, Teddy caught Vega leaning back in her desk next to him and give out the biggest sigh.

“Isn’t it fucking wild how close we are to the end of first year of high school?”

He saw from the corner of his eye the English teacher throwing a deadly glare at Vega and she smiled at her, a mix of apologetic and sheepish.

“Er, yeah,” Teddy replied, somewhat unsure.

Year ten has been a mix of memories that he remembered hyper vividly or he remembered nothing at all, not even the prominent events that he supposed most others would have remembered. As such, year ten had went at a glacial pace or went at the speed of light.

“Yeah, yeah,” Vega said, a dreamy look taking over her eyes. “I remember the night before the first day, I was so nervous because I actually really suck with talking to people, and I’ve heard from literally all of my brothers that it does have a _lot_ of socializing and talking.”

Teddy hummed noncommittally. Quite frankly, he didn’t know how he felt the day before high school started; like he said, his memory was completely shot. The most he remembered was a remnant of some emotion, probably relief for the fact that he didn’t have to stay at home for full days anymore until the next holidays. But that was more of a feeling he felt every day—despite the fact that he wasn’t the biggest fan of school—and was easier to keep in mind.

He was also pretty sure that the entire month of April drew a complete blank, and some weeks of May too were caught in the mix. That literally was two months of his life that he just didn’t remember.

Probably not a great thing.

“But I don’t think it was that much of a problem though, my brothers just like to tease me a lot. Idiots, the whole lot,” she continued.

Teddy giggled at the fondness on her face. “Do you have a favorite memory?”

Vega thought about it a moment, and the angle the light hit her eyes actually rendered him breathless for a second. The amber shade of her eyes was familiar and comforting to him, and he’d had to wonder where he’d seen those eyes before.

He blinked, and then remembered—those were Leo’s eyes.

Teddy lingered on the thought a second, shaking his head imperceptibly and threw the thought out his head as quickly as it came—now that would be a messy situation.

See, feelings were too much to deal with, so he honestly didn’t know how others dealt with them. They were the cause for why he hurt so damn much sometimes.

“I guess I really liked the art fair we did back in December,” she replied. “The theater kids were really good—you know they just kept performed as people came and went? I like that a lot too—kind of felt like… felt like… hm.” Vega looked thoughtfully heavenward. “I’m not sure, but like, you know, right?”

Teddy nodded despite not knowing what she meant.

“Do you have a favorite memory?”

He paused, not expecting Vega to return the question. The answer came to him somewhat easily. “Meeting you, I guess.”

Vega’s expression of surprise amused him; he didn’t really think he said anything special, but she thought so apparently.

“That’s actually, like, really sweet of you?” 

Teddy shrugged, and informed her that, “Well, to be fair, you weren’t competing with a lot to begin with.”

She considered this for a moment, and it looked as if she couldn’t decide between being offended or disappointed. “Well, that’s… kind of sad, really.”

He shrugged again. “I don’t really feel like talking about it.” He brightened again, and in an attempt to change the uncomfortable topic, he said, “Hey, so I did more research on—”

“More facts about photography?” she interjected, tone happy mixed with something he couldn’t identify.

Teddy deflated, a frown setting on his face. “Am I boring you? I’m really that predictable, huh? You know you could just tell me if you didn’t want to hear anymore.”

“No, no,” she rectified immediately, gesturing somewhat wildly. “I love listening to you, please, go on. As you were you saying?”

He blinked, and continued, “Anyways… there are so many types of photography? I think by far the weirdest would be stock photography, but you know you can get paid a lot for that? Like you sell the rights to the photo and you get paid a certain amount every time it’s used. It’s funny because you get paid every time someone uses your picture to make a meme.”

“You know, I was aware of the existence of stock photography, but I wasn’t really expecting that there were people who like… actually take the photo. Imagine being the photographer. Imagine being the _model_.”

Teddy hummed sympathetically. “Must be hard to be subject to everyone else’s memes. Or look uncomfortable in literally every picture.”

A silence fell over the two as Vega seemed to think about something. “So… is there like a reason for all of this? Like you’ve been talking a lot about photography in the past few days—do you think it’s because of that photo wall you saw a while back?”

“I don’t know—I mean, maybe? I just really liked this one photo that was up there, and I got curious about how they did it. I can’t really ask them because they’ve already graduated, so.”

“Is it something you’d take up doing?”

“What do you mean?”

Vega laughed, fully turning to face him, and leaned back on the desk. “I mean like, are you just intensely interested about photography facts or is this something you’d like to do for real?”

“I don’t really think that I’d be that great at it…”

“You don’t know that though.”

“Well, where would I even start, first of all? My phone’s camera isn’t that great, and it’s really old too.”

Vega contemplated that for a moment, considering that not having a working camera might pose a _slight_ problem. “What if you take the Photography class we have here?”

That jarred Teddy, the idea too absurd to even think about. “What?”

“Take the photography class here, and it works out in your favor too because they provide cameras for the students that can’t get one. They’re not the best, but still.”

“That… that’s not…” Teddy had no good answer.

Vega gestured for him to finish his sentence.

Conjuring up a semi-logical response, he finished, “Well, aren’t there like pre-requisites for that class?”

“I’m sure there are, but I’m actually friends with a girl who was able to show a few of her pieces to the art teacher and was able to get past them. I think if you show the teacher some of your better photos, you’d have a chance,” Vega reasoned, talking on an encouraging tone.

Teddy dragged his lip through his teeth, looking away. “None of the pictures I took are really that good though.”

She huffed, crossing her arms. “At this point, I think you’re just trying to avoid asking. You can’t get better at photography if you’re not willing to take _some _risks.”

He had no response to that, knowing what she said to be the full truth. “I suppose I can try. But what if I’m rejected?” he asked, a weakness showing through.

“Then you keep practicing anyways? Sometimes it’s the experience that matters, and photography is one of those cases. Taking a class would help improve your skills, but it’s certainly not needed.”

He sighed. “I guess…”

Vega brightened and said, “I can help you choose the photos!” She continued on, talking about portfolios and concepts he could do and what ideas he could execute, all while making him feel better about how much of an amateur he was in photography, which was a feat in and of itself.

On some days, Teddy really did appreciate that he met Vega; he wasn’t lying when he said meeting Vega was his favorite memory.

—

After that conversation with Vega, there was indeed a lot of back and forth in his mind about actually asking the photography teacher about joining their class, but in the end, Teddy did do the hard thing despite all of the doubts and apprehensions that had made a home in his mind the past few days.

He had to wait a bit to ask because final exams were taking place, and almost every time he left to the photography room, the teacher was usually busy with something, and he felt supremely guilty about leaving his maths class even when the teacher sent him off with a smile.

It took a bit of convincing, but finally, after a few days, the teacher gave in, allowing him entry into one of the classes that wasn’t quite beginner, but not quite advanced.

It was something, at least. He no longer had to experiment aimlessly not knowing whether what he was doing was correct or not. (Sure, there was probably no correct way to practice a subject that was so abstract, but his life had always been built around the binary right and wrong; he knew by now that not being correct meant that he would be burned for it. Old habits die hard.)

Thankfully, Teddy was now set to begin classes next year, and he really didn’t think about what his Gran would think, and now his only waking thoughts were of what his Gran would think, or how she would react.

Truth be told, Gran had never outwardly told him that pursuing anything arts related was disgraceful per se, but she was increasingly adamant that he take classes that were ‘conducive to building a stable future.’

Well, first of all, he wasn’t even sure what he wanted to do in the next five minutes, and second of all, he was pretty sure that taking a photography class wasn’t what Gran described as conducive, considering that photographers were severely underpaid.

So.

Teddy had to tell her sometime soon. It was probably for the better, as she checked his grades regularly, and her finding out that he had suddenly added a class that she didn’t know about didn’t seem like a good mix. So, he could at least make himself out to be the better person.

(There was a nagging thought in his mind asking, “But am I?” He did go behind Gran’s back to do all of this, and that seemed worse than any of the offenses he had committed before. He was a horrible grandson and his heart wasn’t in the right place, trying to protect himself.)

It was on the day that school let out that he decided that he wanted to tell his Gran, which in hindsight was a terrible decision.

Teddy went home and he waited. And waited.

Every time he tried to get his mind off of everything he was plagued with, his mind suddenly decided that he didn’t deserve the pleasure of _not _thinking about it.

The afternoon passed quickly. Dinner came and was set out to be the quiet affair that it always was.

“Gran?” he began, staring off at a spot near her eyes, but not quite.

Gran looked at him inquiringly, her usual intimidating face making an appearance.

Teddy wanted to backtrack. Was there a way to backtrack? Maybe his Gran would never find out, and she’d never have to know.

“I—well, I—” He was going nowhere with this, but all he wanted to do was pull the plaster off. This was useless. “I signed up to take a photography class next year.”

Gran’s face flashed annoyance and anger, and Teddy quivered. He tried to make himself smaller without her noticing.

“You took a photography class?”

Teddy didn’t answer, knowing it wasn’t a question, and instead focused on steadying that hand that was holding his fork.

“When did this happen?”

Three days ago. “Yesterday.”

“Why didn’t you, I don’t know, _talk_ to me about it?”

He didn’t trust her to behave, plain and simple. “It—it never occurred to me.”

Gran laughed, but it wasn’t meant to be comforting in the least. It was cold and hollow.

“It never occurred to you? Maybe if you actually used your common sense, it would have.” She paused, seeming to deliberate on something. “You’re dropping the class.”

Teddy panicked, and he scrambled to convince her otherwise. “What? Why?”

“It’s a useless class and it wouldn’t help you at all—for God’s sake Teddy, what was going through your mind?”

“But—it makes me happy and I have good grades in all of my classes—”

“That doesn’t matter,” Gran snapped, looking thoroughly like this was all a waste of her time. “I’m trying to help you with your future, but you refuse to listen to me—why can’t you just listen to me?”

Teddy began to cry, and it wasn’t the sort of heaving sobs that usually happened with him, but rather it was the sort where tears run down your face but the rest of the body hadn’t caught up, except for perhaps the unrelenting weakness he felt in his knees that threatened to collapse him even though he was sat down.

Try as he might to hide it from her, she caught sight of it anyways and it only served to increase her ire. “_Why_ are you crying? You don’t have to be so _sensitive_. It’ll make you look weak to others.”

“I don’t care,” Teddy managed to get through his tears and cracking voice. “You think _I’m _emotional? What do you think being angry is?”

“Don’t talk to me like that. Do you take me for an idiot?” Gran muttered something that he couldn’t make out properly. “What have I ever done to make you cry? Please, enlighten me.” There was a sarcastic ring to it that was impossible to miss.

He could think of many instances, and every single one of them flashed in the forefront of his mind. There was that time when she humiliated him in front of the Potters by yelling at him for having a bad grade in math. Or when she claimed that Leo didn’t exist. Every single time that she decided to lecture him on something he can’t control, like his weight or his looks. Or that time she called him incompetent and lazy. He voiced the latter because it was one of the more insignificant instances.

Gran scoffed. “Now you’re just lying; that never happened, Teddy. And, _hell_, can you please stop crying so damn much?”

Teddy cried harder, and she groaned. “What do you think crying will do for you? Do you think people will give you sympathy? From me? From anyone?” Gran laughed harshly. “When you go out into the _real_ world, crying will get you nowhere, and nobody would care for you at all.”

Her voice had become louder with every word she spoke, and he swore that the world had begun to slow down, and anything beyond what she said didn’t process properly in his head.

Nobody cares for him? Not even her?

This wasn’t the real world?

Then where the fuck exactly was he living? Were his experiences not valid? Were they absolutely inapplicable to situations outside of this home?

Was his Gran even thinking about what she said? Did she regret her words at all?

Everything was too much to deal with; even the smallest of noises set off unbridled rage, and he quite frankly couldn’t find the energy anymore to care about what his Gran was doing or thinking about.

Teddy had to get out of this home—the oppressive atmosphere was way too fucking much and he hated the thought of living in a home where his own decisions and judgement meant absolutely nothing to the only person that _should _care about him and—and—

And he had to fucking get out of here as soon as possible. 

Inadvertently slamming his fork down, he left the dining room and right out the front door to who knew where, blatantly not listening to his Gran’s yells that he should at _least _put his damn dishes away, you ungrateful child—

Right. Anyways.

Teddy wasn’t paying attention to where the hell he was really going, his thoughts running much too wildly for him to do so—he hated especially that it was his Gran’s words that refused to leave his mind, chipping away slowly at his mind, convincing him that maybe perhaps he wasn’t cared for by anybody on this earth.

It didn’t seem that impossible either, considering the people who probably would have cared for him unconditionally are dead.

Dead, dead, dead, deader than he felt like inside, currently.

So dead that they were rotting away underground, in a place he’d never seen because he doesn’t know where it was. Maybe the earth was treating them better than they were in life.

And it was funny how people who you were absolutely _sure_ would be with you forever were taken away at the blink of an eye. Nobody can escape; death came for everyone eventually.

He wondered whether Death just looked from their carriage, pointed, and said, “That one,” purely because that was the person that meant the most to someone. Just because. No rhyme, no rhythm, and certainly no explanation for why they chose to take care of his job the way they do.

Maybe Death would have mercy—experience some kindness in their eternal life—and come for him sooner than later. He just utterly did not want to be here. Who cared if he was here or not? 

All he really wanted was to be able to talk someone who was willing to listen him and his problems, no matter how trivial they were.

It was then that Teddy decided to look at where he was, sweeping his gaze in a wide horizontal arc.

It was getting dark, and the only source of light seemed to be from the light posts, or the rare car that passed by.

Damn himself for impulsively walking out of his home. It might not be the safest place for him right now, but it was safer than the darkly lit streets.

Trying to think rationally, Teddy tried to look around for any particular landmarks he recognized.

So far, it seemed like nothing, but then he took the biggest sigh of relief when he realized how oddly familiar that playground was, and he thanked his lucky stars for muscle memory.

It meant that the Potter’s home would be just around the corner, and he wouldn’t have to walk around aimlessly to find his home.

Speeding up into a run, he led himself to the Potters’ doorstep.

Stopping, he took a deep breath, and then wondered whether the family was even home. It was the first day of summer break after all; maybe they decided to celebrate by going out.

Teddy tried the doorbell anyways, his fear of the dark deciding that it would be better to take his chances if it meant that he wouldn’t have to walk home alone where monsters and people could be hiding anywhere to kidnap him to scarily far places.

A moment passed. And another. And then another.

In those few moments, his heart rate had increased exponentially and was almost near the edge of tears before the door opened suddenly, a thoroughly confused Ginny behind it.

That expression cleared almost immediately at the sight of Teddy at the other end.

“Teddy,” Ginny said, a tone of surprise apparent, “what are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

It struck him then that he might not look the best. As he said before, he was on the verge of tears once again, and no doubt his eyes were already rimmed with red from his previous crying session, and his hair was probably all over the place.

“I—um, well,” Teddy began, voice rather weak and somewhat raspy. “Can I stay here for a while?”

Ginny stared at him inscrutably for such a long time that it made him nervous. Then she snapped out of her stupor, smiled warmly, and told him, “Of course, of course, come on in. You’re always welcome here.”

As she led him into the house, she informed him cheerily that the children were actually all asleep, so he couldn’t actually do much with them today. “They were so excited today,” she sighed to him exasperatedly, but it was of the sort that was invited, even encouraged. “Summer break, you know? They tired themselves out by playing outside with the neighborhood kiddos all day. Tried to watch a movie with us too, but all three of them fell asleep twenty minutes in.”

Teddy listened gratefully, happy that he didn’t have to explain himself and his presence quite so soon.

As she finished her ramble, she took another look at him. “Are you feeling dirty? Do you need to take a shower? I could probably find a change of clothes for you too, if you wanted.”

“That would be great, thank you,” he answered, feeling a spontaneous urge to take a hot shower.

Ginny gave him some towels, a change of clothes that she scrounged up probably from the deep end of a closet, and then showed him the way the bathroom.

He stepped into the tub, and turned the water to the farthest end, so the water scalded him. After finally deeming scrubbing at his skin for half an hour acceptable, he stepped out into a cloud of steam that obscured his vision.

He looked like the human version of a crab, considering how red and raw his skin looked. For some reason, it actually satisfied him a bit, the cleansed feeling making him the slightest bit happier. He changed into the clothes he was given, walked back out into the living room, stopping just before he would be in Ginny’s sight.

There were some angry murmurs, the snap of something closing shut, and then soft whispers.

Was Ginny talking to Harry? They didn’t sound too happy, he concluded as soon as he assessed their tone.

Teddy hesitated to walk out into their line of vision, and then, not for the first time, regretted coming to the Potter’s home.

He hated to be a burden on their shoulders, and that was exactly what he was being right now.

Stepping out to talk to Ginny and Harry, he said, “I can go back home if you’d like. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.”

The both of them jumped, and that only served to make him feel guiltier.

It was Harry that smiled at him this time. “No, no, you aren’t worrying us.” He patted the seat next to him welcomingly. “Can you sit down?”

Teddy did so.

Harry didn’t outright ask him what he wanted to ask, instead opting to engage in small talk.

He engaged with him politely, but he wrung his hands harshly, his mind screaming at Harry for him to get to the point.

Ginny cut to the chase for him. “So, Teddy. Are you okay? Is everything good at home? You didn’t exactly come here looking your best.”

Teddy stayed quiet, despite the fact that he was previously mentally begging for them to just begin their interrogation not even a second ago.

See, the thing was, he didn’t quite know how to answer the question. Yes, his home felt unsafe right now. Yes, he did have sort of a big fight with his Gran. Things were said and thrown at each other, and in the end, he felt that it was both of their faults. Mostly his.

Teddy didn’t know how to answer his question without framing his Gran as a bad person. Because she wasn’t, plain and simple. She _wasn’t_.

“Um, well,” he started explaining tentatively, “I kind of had a fight with Gran before I came here. And I wasn’t feeling that great afterwards, and I sort of ran away here. I didn’t really mean to—and oh god, Gran must be so worried about me, why did I do this, why am I so—”

Harry put a gentle hand on him, and Teddy appreciated that very much. He liked the fact that Harry was meticulous about not scaring him.

Ginny clarified to him that she had informed Gran of his whereabouts as soon as he had stepped in the shower, smothering the panic in him before it could start. “I told her that you were staying for as long as you want, though,” Ginny continued. “She said that was fine, so you won’t get into any big trouble.” Then, he heard her mutter to herself, “Hopefully.”

Teddy nodded stiffly knowing that to be not true, looking down resolutely at his lap. There was nothing there.

“When do you want to go home, Teddy?” Harry asked him softly.

“I don’t—I don’t know,” he answered, slumping weakly in his chair. Suddenly, he felt so tired that all coherent thought was thrown out the window. “I want to sleep.”

“Alright,” Harry replied. “The guest bedroom is ready for you when you need it.”

Teddy nodded quickly. “Can you take me there now?”

Harry did so, and as soon as he left, Teddy flopped so hard onto the bed that the springs threatened to break on him.

He crawled into the covers and tucked himself in, hoping for at least one hour’s worth of good sleep.

—

The next morning, Teddy did not wake up willingly. In fact, given the chance, he probably would have slept for a couple more hours—for what was the point of getting up if there was not any good particular reason? He could’ve slept the day away—or at least take a lie in.

But this was not the case, and it seemed like it wouldn’t be for a while, considering the small body that was currently jumping up and down on him.

“Wake up, wake up, wake up!” the shrill voice shrieked excitedly.

Teddy rubbed his eyes harshly, unable to remove what seemed like physical particles of exhaustion. Finally, he blinked up to see the offending attacker of him, and saw that it was Lily with her shiny smile.

“Hey, Lily,” he greeted, a rasp in his voice.

“Teddy!” she said in the same shrieking voice. “Daddy made pancakes. The fluffy ones!”

“Alright, alright,” he groaned. “Just get off of me—I need to brush my teeth.”

Lily got off of him and finally bounded off to probably annoy her other brothers.

Teddy brushed his teeth quickly, splashed some water on his face so that he looked more like a farm boy, less like a gremlin, and then headed off to the dining room.

Harry was in the kitchen, humming away as he flipped pancakes, often times making a dramatic flourish or laughing to himself when he did it perfectly. Ginny, on the other hand, was typing away at her computer, sometimes staring with an ire so intense that it felt like it would burn holes into the screen of the laptop.

Teddy supposed that it was a normal occurrence for her, as she was journalist, other times a writer, and getting the motivation or inspiration for a piece could be quite hard.

He knew because he often saw this on his end from Leo. Leo often liked to rant to him about the hardships of getting his main crew—but in particular Soomin Park—to work with him. Apparently they were very fond of running away from him and creating a new plot entirely every two thousand words.

Teddy had laughed so hard when he had heard that, mostly because Leo, as his hobby suggested, did have a way with words.

Moments like those were held near and dear to his heart, never failing to coax a small tug of his lips, or a tiny laugh or two. They also managed to remind him of what wasn’t there anymore.

It was the laugh that had caught Ginny’s attention, and she looked up. A smile bloomed on her face, and she greeted him with a hearty, “Hello! Breakfast’s almost ready, so you can sit down next to me if you want.”

Teddy heeded her words and Harry soon greeted him too.

He swung his legs lightly as he waited, and his gaze inadvertently went to Ginny’s laptop screen, catching a snippet of what exactly she was typing away so angrily at.

_And well, girls, don’t ever let a man (or anyone else for that matter) tell you that you can’t be whatever it is that you want to be, and if they do, promise me that you’ll crush their neck under your feet as you take over the goddamn world because we all know you can and wait SHIT, that’s too violent back the fuck up Ginevra, back the FUCK up—_

Now, that line enticed a giggle out of him unwillingly, and Ginny looked at him, surprised. “Shit, you weren’t supposed to see that—and _shit_, I’m not supposed to cuss in front of you.”

“Ginny,” Harry called out disparagingly, but it was obvious he was teasing her.

“You can shove it, Harry, we’ve all seen you cuss like a sailor before,” Ginny grumpily informed him, crossing her arms.

Harry? Him? This Harry? He quite frankly seemed too kind (and… somewhat _innocent_) to actually cuss like a sailor, but people could surprise him, Teddy supposed.

“Right,” Harry said, not acknowledging what she had said, not even with a blink of an eye. “Anyways, pancakes.”

James and Albus came down a few moments later, grumbling to themselves.

As soon as James sat down in his chair, he complained with no shame whatsoever, “It’s too early to wake up.”

Harry rolled his eyes, and somehow it didn’t come off as mean or rude. “Come on James, you slept in two hours.”

“I wanted to make a record for myself and sleep for another three hours.” James huffed, and then turned to Teddy. “Hi Teddy! Why are you here today?”

Well, Teddy clearly couldn’t tell him the real answer, he replied simply, “Because I wanted to, I guess?”

Deeming that an acceptable answer, he went back to bantering with Harry and Ginny, talking about the most random things, ranging from how hard school was (which in all honesty, terrified him, because how was James able to speak so openly about that? He could barely talk about his bad day at school without Gran going off about how he needed be more grateful for the fact that he was even here) to the trivialities and hardships of just being a tiny boy.

At Harry and James’—and occasionally, the rest of the Potter family as well—Teddy felt an unexplainable feeling rise up. It almost felt like it was eating away at his heart relentlessly, stopping for nothing.

To focus attentions away from that, he shoved a piece of pancake that had the whipped cream, honey, fruits and all. He almost choked on a blueberry, but that was fine.

“So, Teddy, I heard from your Gran that you wanted to take photography,” Harry began nicely enough.

Teddy managed a smile at him, though on the inside he was waiting for the disapproval to come. “I—okay. Yeah. I kind of do,” he replied, gaining a defensive tone, but resigned for what was to come.

“That’s amazing,” Harry told him earnestly, either ignoring Teddy’s hostile tone or not catching it at all. “It’s actually really great that you’re finding something to do in your free time, or even, you _know_, finding something worthwhile to be passionate about.” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking slightly off to the side. “I struggled a lot with that when I was a few years older than you because I just didn’t really have anything that I was particularly interested in. It never occurred to me that there might be a life beyond turning eighteen, so I didn’t really…” Harry trailed off, laughed, and then shrugged despondently once realizing the somber atmosphere he created unintentionally.

“I—that’s…” Hard pressed to find words that expressed his feelings properly, Teddy finally settled on, “Thank you. I, um, I really really like photography, and well, I don’t know what’s going to come of it, but I think I’d like to see it out to the end at least.”

“Good,” Harry told him, smiling warmly at him. For some odd reason, it made Teddy uncomfortable, and he squirmed in his seat slightly. “You know, I think Ginny has an old camera from when she was a photographer—Ginny, do you?” Harry had turned abruptly to look at Ginny.

Blinking up from listening to James and Lily’s riveting conversation, Ginny looked blankly at him, presumably not getting what he was talking about. Then—“Oh! Yeah, I do. It should be somewhere in the deep end of a closet, but I can’t be arsed to get it out.”

“Please, can you?” Harry gave her a hopeful look that seemed to soften Ginny just a bit. “I think Teddy could make better use of it.”

“Probably,” she responded, shrugging. Teddy noticed Ginny seemed caught off guard from the moment of weakness. “Either way, I think that old camera has been out of use for a while, but it’d be good in your hands. Right, Teddy?”

Teddy blinked up at her innocently. “Er—yeah, I sure hope so.”

Ginny nodded, apparently satisfied.

The rest of the morning faded away into the afternoon, and the family eventually broke off; Albus having accidentally fallen asleep on the old rocking chair and James and Lily had been invited outside by a mutual friend whose name Teddy learned was Jadelyn.

Really, it looked rather fun, playing with water guns, Teddy noted as he watched them from the bay window.

His eyes followed as they ran around outside, not really feeling up to actually go and play with them. The morning might have been lighter and freer but the exhaustion seemed to know no bounds, slowly seeping into his bones.

He was actually getting _more_ tired, and that left him in a flux between whichever two emotions he had the capacity to feel as of now.

Teddy didn’t know how long had passed between eating breakfast and spending time watching out the window, but evidently it had been a while. Ginny had approached him a while back, idly conversing with him about anything and everything.

It was taking more energy than he thought possible, but for allowing him to stay the night, this was a small price to pay.

A little while later, it was obvious to him that she had a motive for talking to him. “So, Teddy, I know you really aren’t interested in talking about it, but is everything okay? At home I mean.”

Teddy scrunched his nose. “Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be? I think she was having a bad day, or something.”

Ginny paused, seemingly unsure of whether he was serious or not. “I don’t think people who are happy at home run away, Teddy.”

“It wasn’t running away. It was impulse, I told you that,” he informed her, unintentionally adopting a sharp edge. “I was being dumb.”

Ginny scrutinized him the same way that she did yesterday, having that same thoughtful yet concerned look. She sighed, leaving it alone for now. “Alright, then. Do you want to go home?”

For a moment, he was genuinely about to reply, but then held his tongue. If he asked her whether that mattered, then that might not look good for his case at all. It was also a little more complicated than just wanting to go home or not—he had to think about what would happen with each decision. It was clear that it was likely he would get in more trouble if he stayed, but on the other hand, if he stayed, he could at least keep his mind off of Gran for a while. The latter option was tempting, but he knew which one was the safer one. So he lied. “Yes.”

It was with some reluctance that Ginny had taken him home, trying to at least make him stay for dinner, or whatever else would work. He declined each time, anxious to know what his home was like at this point.

Teddy didn’t know why exactly she was dragging it out as long as she did, but it was kind of annoying, though he couldn’t think of an explanation for why he felt this way.

When he had arrived at the Black residence, the home was honestly just as formidable and towering as it had been the moment he left.

It sort of felt like he was in a movie. Surely it was only in movies that places seemed brighter or darker to indicate the meaning or significance of that place, except the Black residence certainly didn’t have any meaning to it; it was purposefully built this way to seem more intimidating. At the time the home was actually used for balls and parties, the purpose was fulfilled, but now it just seemed unnecessary and useless, only serving to allow people to label it as the widely noticeable blemish on the town’s pristine reputation—whatever that may be defined as.

Taking the first step inside, Teddy gave a wave to Ginny in the car, and then closed the door with a quiet click.

In his absence, some dirt seemed to have made a home, gathering up on the hardwood floors. It felt weird underneath his bare feet, and he hated the thought that his feet were getting dirty even in his own home.

Literally, he cleaned the home about two days ago; how could this have happened?

Well, at least he didn’t have to unpack anything, since he hadn’t thought to really take anything with him.

Teddy ran up to his room, and hoped that Gran didn’t look through his stuff. At least he didn’t leave any incriminating evidence; his computer’s search history was fairly innocent and innocuous, and he really didn’t keep anything like a journal.

Thankfully, nothing was out of place. 

Sighing, now he figured he should probably eat something, right?

Was there anything to eat? Would Gran have gone grocery shopping at all? She wasn’t at her greatest this week anyways.

The thought of there being no food made him regret rejecting Ginny’s offer of dinner, and then felt slightly angry for the fact that he might go to bed hungry.

Stomping down the stairs, he decided that he’d check anyways. There was no point in getting angry over something if he didn’t even know if the fact was true in the first place.

Now that he thought about it, the place was eerily quiet. More so than usual, anyways.

Was his Gran sleeping?

Teddy went back upstairs, and checked her room, pushing the creaking door open slightly.

A quick glance in told him that Gran was nowhere to be found, not even at her study, hunched over reading a book of poetry, or something.

Where else would she be?

The kitchen was the first thing he noticed when he came home, and it seemed pretty empty.

Breathing in and out, he willed himself to stabilize his breathing and heart.

It would do absolutely no good for him right now, and staying calm was what he needed.

Taking in some much needed air, Teddy continued the quest to find his Gran.

The bathroom was empty too. No sign of her either, as it was still all dauntingly clean marble.

Truly, he wished that he’d never gave a second thought about his Gran right now. The stress was getting ahead of itself now.

Walking back down the stairs, pinching the bridge of his nose all the while.

Taking a turn into the kitchen, he genuinely didn’t realize that there was something on the floor until he tripped over it.

Pain blossomed in his head, a migraine starting to form.

Rubbing gingerly at the point of pain, Teddy looked behind him to see what was sitting so immovably on the kitchen tiles, and the sight he saw made his blood run black.

It—it was Gran. He was looking for Gran and she was here the whole goddamn time.

God—how long was she here on the floor? Why had she collapsed?

Breathing exercises be _damned_, he couldn’t even think straight.

When had this happened? Was it right after he had left so rashly? And—he’d been gone for just about a day and a half—was it too late to save her?

Cutting his thoughts short, Teddy shook his Gran’s body—_hard. _She didn’t even make a hint of movement. Wiping angrily at his eyes, he took his Gran’s wrist and checked her pulse. It was there, but barely.

He brought himself up on trembling knees, making his way to the home phone.

Taking it into both his hands, he punched in three numbers with excessively shaky fingers—could he be _any _slower?

Teddy was intensely aware of each and every second that passed by—each second that surely solidified the chances of his Gran dying a little bit more.

The number rang.

One second gone.

It rang again.

Two more gone.

Teddy paced, biting his lip so hard that it felt like it drew blood.

When would the phone fucking pick up?

He could barely keep the phone up to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi, um,” Teddy stammered out nervously, running back to where his Gran was. “My grandma is on the floor. She’s on the floor and she’s not—she’s not responding to anything I do.”

The person on the other end asked a few more questions, stuff he didn’t even think he knew, and others he had to scrounge around for or say that he didn’t know. The questions he didn’t know the answers to only served to make him more worried; what if they didn’t find their way here?

The last thing he told them was his address. He would have ended the call, but his capability for doing reasonable and rational things had gone down significantly. That, and he felt that the presence of another person was much needed right now; he didn’t think he could handle this alone.

Teddy sat down next to his Gran, looked at the time on the home phone, and waited, propping his head on his knees and wrapping his arms around his legs.


	10. Unbreak My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot had happened in the last few days, and if Teddy was being completely honest, he had not paid an ounce of attention to things around him.
> 
> Warning: Descriptions of depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place in the months of June, July, and August of 2013. 
> 
> I don't think I've written a novel that's hit double digit chapters. So, this is new for me. This story originally was something to explore my own experiences and emotions, and a lot of this was planned deliberately, but I didn't expect that I would be writing some of this stuff from own experience, instead of researching it, or something like that. 
> 
> Eerily enough, some parts of this story have been reminiscent of stuff that has happened to me after the fact of writing that event, which is struck me as really odd. None of the more harrowing stuff in here, but like. Still weird, right?

A lot had happened in the last few days, and if Teddy was being completely honest, he had not paid an ounce of attention to things around him.

He fluctuated between being hyperaware of what exactly was going on, and being dead to the outside world. His bursts of attention had only been relegated to inform himself and store away what exactly was going on.

After he had called emergency help services, someone had arrived at his house quickly, though the few minutes it had taken certainly felt as if it took more than a few eternities.

Teddy had to go to the hospital as well, considering that his Gran had to go, but it was with much reluctance.

Hospitals were something of a sore spot to him, though the reasons were quite unknown to him. There was just something about the bright white walls and the all-around amalgamation of feelings that the atmosphere permeated. It was the very definition of everything and nothing going on all at the same time, and it was also a perfect definition of his psyche, but he didn’t need to _know_ that.

At one point, Harry and Ginny had made their way along too, refusing to allow him to stay alone. Teddy didn’t know what to think of it, so he’d much rather wonder about the way that the doctors spoke to him much more softly than they did the adults in the room.

Technically, he was told, his Gran had passed out due to exhaustion. That was all it was supposed to be, but what came out of it was a diagnosis.

Alzheimer’s. It was Alzheimer’s.

And suddenly, things made a lot more sense—all of the times that his Gran had withdrawn into the comforts of her own room, or all of the tiny moments in which she forgot where her keys were, or hell, even all the times she forgot how to get home. In those instances, Teddy’s blood pressure had shot up exponentially—being partly responsible for getting the both of them home safe was a daunting task.

There were even those times that she had forgotten who Leo was.

Teddy was given an explanation, but the fact of the matter was that there was still a hollow heart in his chest.

Alzheimer’s was the explanation, but it felt more a way out for his Gran, and he still wanted something—_anything_—from her.

Teddy thought he deserved something small, at the very least. He felt _wronged_, in a way, but to place what she did wrong was impossibly hard. It was infuriating.

The next few things that had occurred in the following days were also a bit of a blur to him.

Harry and Ginny had taken him back to their home once again to stay a few nights, and then he found out that his Gran was hospitalized.

_Was it really that bad? _

That was the question that was at the forefront of his mind.

In fact, _why_ hadn’t he noticed? All the signs were in front of him, but Teddy had failed to connect the dots together—hell, he had once even contemplated that maybe something was wrong with his Gran, but never really stopped to consider it because he was too focused on how _he_ had felt at the time.

Now that he thought about it properly, it very much seemed like a deadly mistake on his part—and now his Gran had to pay the price.

Teddy was selfish, that much was crystal clear for him.

He was pretty much all his Gran had, and he’d failed to be what she needed him to be at the time she was suffering the most.

What kind of a grandson was he?

Teddy couldn’t stop thinking about it; it ran on a loop continuously, running itself until there was nothing left.

There was also the fact of like… where the hell he was supposed to live.

That very much was a prominent problem in his life, the proverbial thorn on his side.

For a genuine moment, the Malfoys were genuinely a contender to adding him to his family because they were the closest next of kin. His Gran was the sister of Narcissa Malfoy née Black, who in turn was the mother to Draco Malfoy.

In the sincerest of ways, they were a pleasant and a quite amazing family. It was clear that Draco Malfoy was a changed man if compared to the person he was when he was a teenager (according to Harry), and often talked to him as if his thoughts mattered (not that… no one else did, but it was just that it was glaringly obvious that he was doing so and it was flattering), as well as giving the occasional piece of advice that might be the best he had ever received.

Astoria Malfoy was even more of a treasure. She was a fierce woman with an attitude, and she cared deeply for those who she felt deserved it, and truly was the perfect complement to Draco.

Teddy would have been happy to stay with them, but they had cited that they worked two full time jobs and had their hands full with three children, one of which was only a mere two years old. They didn’t think they could even _afford_ a fourth child.

They had candidly told him this, and also seemed truthfully regretful of that fact.

Teddy had understood. After the whole mess that was Voldemort, the Blacks and Malfoys had suffered greatly, but more so the Malfoys. They’d lost everything, and had to start from scratch. It was a hard battle, one that they fought even today—more than anything, he had _understood_.

So he let it go, and left them off with a promise of visiting them sometime soon. Soon being relative—because let’s be real, ‘soon’ for him meant anywhere between a week and four years. No in between.

And by luck, after the Malfoys came the Potters.

At first, that had surprised him too; who would’ve had the gall to think of that?

It turned out that family tree plastered on the entirety of a wall in his home had some uses. It was a result of that that Teddy had realized that Cedrella Black was related to the Weasley family through marriage to Septimus Weasley, who happened to be the paternal grandfather of currently all the Weasley uncles he knew.

Teddy was also pretty sure that Dorea Black was Harry Potter’s grandmother.

The relationship there happened to be just a little bit weird, but maybe it was enough generations away for the relation to be diluted enough.

Hopefully.

But that didn’t matter as it had given him a family he was familiar with, and so, with that, he was set to live the Potters, all by a wish and a prayer.

—

Moving in with the Potters was, despite what Teddy had thought it would be, in all honesty a difficult move.

Unexpected, but he supposed it had a little something to do with the fact of his love hate relationship with his home.

All in all, the interior was all hardwood floors and sleek marble, and was built to be just as intimidating as the Black family was. He didn’t quite appreciate that cold and sharp attitude it emulated, but he could find how one might appreciate it, in the way that it was inspired by the formidable columns of Greek architecture, and the utter royalty of Roman temples.

Teddy thought that was pretentious as all hell, and that it only served to add to the ‘we’re better than you’ energy, and it wasn’t really a vibe he wanted following him around.

Nope, not at all.

His room wasn’t that bad, even if it had grown a bit small with every year he grew.

The clutter of all the papers and cards and trinkets had created somewhat of a comfortable home in his own room, and he tried to keep that in mind when he tripped over something small on his floor.

Teddy took a look at what was in front of him, and wondered what he could afford to give away or throw out. All of it seemed too valuable.

Sighing, he got to work on attacking the task of cleaning his room.

He found any things that he found was able to break away from easily, and others that he’d fight someone over if it ever got stolen.

His room had taken a while, but overall he had made good progress.

Some nooks and crevices were found, and Teddy thought they were a nuisance, but perhaps maybe not, because, well, that was when he found a tattered old book.

Curious, he opened it, hearing the pages crinkle with age. Promptly, he shrieked and then threw it away from him.

God, was it really that old that there were dead lizards hiding away in it? Jesus Christ.

Teddy grabbed a cloth, and used it as a barrier between the notebook and his skin. He did _not_ want to touch the scales or guts of dead lizards—_screw_ that straight to hell.

Gingerly, he pulled the notebook back to himself, his guards now exceptionally high.

He opened the cover of the book again, relishing in that sound that most all old books make when the spine was old and worn.

The inside of the cover had a name written inside of it: _Nymphadora Tonks. _

Directly underneath were the two dates, which said: _August 11, 1988 – September 30, 1991. _

A bit in awe, he traced the letters of his mum’s name reverently.

Teddy noted that his Mum looped her y’s like Leo did his g’s, and it made him sort of tear up. Finding it right before he was about to move out of his room was pure luck, and no doubt he was thanking whatever god was out there that let him find this.

So what exactly could it possibly be? There was no identifying cover on it; it was simple cover made of leather with small embroidery stitching on the edge that acted as a decorative border.

Not to mention why in the hell would he find it in a tight corner, and why would it be in _his_ room?

Thinking about it for a moment, Teddy wondered whether his room had previously been used by his mum.

The thought made his heart hurt, because before he had a room that was downstairs. He had moved into this room only about two years ago, and his Gran hadn’t let him in until she had completely cleaned it out, posters, bed, and everything else under the sun.

Why would Gran put away everything that had to do with her daughter? Was even thinking about her even on occasion really that painful?

Teddy sighed, getting immensely tired of his Gran’s antics, and his gaze shifted to the first page, and there was a date, followed by a huge chunk of unseparated handwriting. He realized belatedly that this was a diary, not just any old book.

Truthfully, he wanted to read it, but it felt like a horrible breach of privacy even when his mum wasn’t there to see or stop this act of invasion.

In the end, the urge to read it had won out, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Teddy would take any chance he was given to learn more about his mum; his Gran was indeed neglectful about telling him about his parents, and that was a tragedy because the most he had left to his parents’ name was a few pictures with them and of them, their wedding video CD, and his shoddy (and candidly, terrifying) memories.

That wasn’t much, and hardly gave the best reflection of his parents as a person.

So, this? This was a godsend.

Making himself comfortable on his bed, he began reading. Cleaning out and decluttering his room could wait.

The first few entries began innocently enough; they were all his mum relaying her worries about her GCSE’s and later on, A-levels. She talked about any spats she’d had with her parents (yes, _parents_; it was hard to think about the fact that he once had Grandpa—he’d been dead for a few years before he was born and that made him an unfamiliar and distant figure in Teddy’s life).

She’d frequently talk about her friends and how much she loved them very much, but on occasion she’d lament on how hard it was to keep in touch with her best friend because she lived about an hour away, but his Gran would never agree to take her to see the best friend in question. Apparently they had to resort to using old-fashioned letters and the landline, or just deal with the periods of time they didn’t see each other at all.

The strangest thing about what he had been reading was that his Mum treated this diary like an acquaintance—and it was odd, wasn’t it? Diaries were supposed to be something that people confided in the events and mundane details of their daily life as well as their secrets and everything else in between, but his mum, quite frankly, seemed hesitant to give out any identifying details, like she was afraid of someone finding out about the diary, and so she made sure not to give any ammo to whoever did happen to find it.

Someone like, unfortunately, him.

Sometimes she slipped and accidentally did give away incriminating info, but often times it was crossed out to the point that the ink was black and bleeding onto the back page.

Most of the time, this happened when the entry was referring to his Gran, and the only way he had figured out that it was his Gran at all was because his mum had forgotten to cross out one of her mistakes.

It was these interactions between his mum and Gran that had broken his heart the most.

Though his mum had written those entries in vague and unclear terms, it was pretty clear what was going on behind closed doors, especially because her feelings were exceptionally heart wrenching and were in fair detail.

His mum had often wrote about how sometimes his Gran made her feel like a disappointment when she called her inadequate at what she does, and scolded for not doing the absolute best in school. Other times, Gran made comment about her body—nothing too grand, though, his mum had specified. Just something about how she’d pinch or poke her stomach and mildly comment about how she needed to lose weight, or a tiny comment about the stretchmarks along the sides of her hips shouldn’t be shown to other people.

His mum acknowledged that it was a miniscule thing to worry about in the long run, but she noted that she made it out bigger than it actually was, and took her a while to be able to stop herself from thinking about it. In her words, the remarks had, “really fucked me up, and sometimes I wished I could change my body to whatever she wanted it to be just so she stopped.”

This was coupled with the fact that she liked to talk about her days, relaying that on most days it was hard to get out of bed and brush her teeth. That fact had confused her greatly because she had no idea what the root cause might have been. Apparently, most of the time, there _wasn’t_ even a root cause—her mind simply liked to shut down on most days. Or, in contrast, it liked to work on overdrive, conjuring up the most intrusive of thoughts, or thinking about situations that had been long gone.

What unsettled Teddy the most was when his mum had noted in passing how she had felt like death was the only option sometimes. And that truly confused him, because his memories, though scant, portrayed his mum as a happy—if a little subdued from the stress of her work—person.

Was that not the case?

Teddy kept reading, and was relieved to see that the diary (journal?) ended on a hopeful note, as there were several entries pondering about what was up with her, realizing that it wasn’t okay to feel like that for long periods of time, and mentions of getting therapy at the university she was going to.

He closed the book on a somber note, feeling exhausted though the only effortful thing he had done today was read the diary.

That was all.

It broke his damn heart over and over again, just thinking about what she struggled with in those years of his mum’s life the journal had encompassed, and possibly for long after.

It was hard to think about the fact that his mum died a few years after the fact; it would be an immensely cruel act of irony if she was killed shortly after she decided that her life was worth living.

And it was on that thought that Teddy took the book and gingerly packed it into his bag of things that he’d decided keep, and continued to clean up his room.

He wondered what his Gran would have to say if she had read the journal. How would she react? If there was no mention of her name, and only her actions, who would she think it was saying those cruel things to her daughter? Would she remember that it was her? Would she even _notice_ that it was her in the first place? Would she be angry, sad, confused, indignant?

It should have been a quick and easy answer, and yet, the answer was unclear to him.

Teddy took a moment tell his mum that he understood, and then hoped to any god out there that someone would send the message off to wherever she was.

—

Well, the first week of summer was horrible, that much Teddy can say. In between being yelled at by his Gran and then having her be hospitalized due to Alzheimer’s, he had approximately point eight seconds to breathe, sleep, and relax all together.

And now that he had all the time in the world to anything he could ever want, he had no idea what he wanted. Absolutely none at all.

Little Lily, James, and Albus seemed to have more of a social life than he did, and he found that quite pathetic.

Small kids that were a minimum of six years younger than you having a more fulfilling social life than you do? That was sad.

Teddy also couldn’t quite deny that there was indeed something nice about not having any obligation to his Gran or his friends or anyone who expected anything out of him.

In the end, he was left with a wholly unsatisfied feeling, because he wasn’t happy not going outside, but he wasn’t happy staying inside either.

He really just didn’t know what to do.

How the hell did he survive the past few summers? Had he ever realized that summers were ever this drab and dull? He couldn’t keep himself busy by way of homework and school projects (and on that note, have no definition of who he was, really), nor could he really keep in touch with his few friends because they were all mostly off probably taking the time to spend it with their family or go vacationing somewhere far away, probably without cell reception.

And, yes, he did say that at the risk of sounding bitter. What of it?

Teddy flopped back on his bed, and let out a startlingly loud and continuous groan.

He was just so _bored_.

From somewhere far away, he heard his flip phone ring noisily, singing its sweet marimba music, though it was point of contention for him because it was the very ringtone that acted as his alarm.

Groaning again, he blindly reached for his phone, needing to look around for it for a bit and then he answered without looking at the call screen. “Hello?”

“Hello!” Vega’s voice chirped happily on the other end, and it caused Teddy to blink up involuntarily.

“How do you have my number, Vega?”

There was a pause on the other end for a split second. “We exchanged phone numbers before we left for break. Do you not remember?”

He removed the phone from his ear, and actually looked at the name. Sure enough, ‘Vega Cressey’ was written in bold white letters. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Of course,” she answered warmly. “So, like, I wanted to talk.”

Teddy might have seemed calm on the outside, but on the inside his heart rate went up. That statement or any variation of it never meant any good.

“How do you feel about meeting up sometime this week? I would’ve asked earlier, but my family insisted on me spending time with them because I don’t do it that often when I’m in school,” she explained with a laugh. “My brothers hassled me into playing volleyball with them, and I got hit by that ball no less than five times—but that’s a story for another day. So, how do you feel?”

It took him a moment to process everything that she just said, and then process again what her question was referring to. Teddy snapped out of his reverie to answer, “Um, well, I don’t know. I have to ask my—” What would he call Harry and Ginny again? His guardians? That seemed too detached. His parents? No, that was too personal and exactly not the name for them. “—friends?”

“Your friends? Why would you need their permission?” Teddy could almost see the perplexed expression on Vega’s face.

“Um… sorry, I messed up. Parents—I meant my parents.”

“Oh, okay. Well, let me know, will you? I actually have some really cool ideas for where we could go, but we could do whatever you wanted to too.”

“You already planned it out?” People cared enough about him to impress him? That hasn’t happened in a long time.

“A little—I was excited.” Vega laughed loudly.

“Oh—well, thank you?”

“Yeah, yeah, it was no problem. Anyways, call me back!” And then with a sharp click, Vega ended the call before he could tell her bye.

What… just happened?

He looked at his phone with a confused look, and then looked away with a sigh.

For a second, Teddy almost legitimately walked into a wall because he was about exit for the stairs, but walked the opposite direction he needed to because that was the way he need to go in his previous home.

He put it away in his mind, and then went the other way.

Taking in his surroundings, he noticed Harry in the kitchen again. It took him a while to reconcile the fact that someone will be there in the kitchen to make breakfast, lunch, dinner, or just bake something for fun.

It was also hard to think about the fact that the Potter house was always so loud? Previously, the only noise in the home was the bare minimum that a house would have, but in the Potter home, the children were always talking or playing with each other, and Harry and Ginny for the life of themselves could _not_ keep anything to themselves, and so they were always quietly murmuring to each other.

Why did he come down again?

Teddy stood blankly for a moment, looking for anything that might remind him of his task.

One glance at Harry and Ginny told him that he was meant to actually ask about going out with Vega sometime this week.

He hesitated for a moment, as they seemed engrossed in the conversation that they were having. If he interrupted, he couldn’t imagine that it wouldn’t go south at all.

What was he to do then? Awkwardly go back upstairs? Feign that he was actually going to the kitchen for water? Sit at the sofa?

Harry stopped the train of thoughts for him, as he gave him a smile, and patted the seat next to him.

That happened a lot more often these days as well; both Harry and Ginny made an effort to talk to him as often as he’d like.

Weird. 

Teddy sat down next Harry, and smiled at Ginny opposite to himself. 

Ginny returned it, but then sobered quickly. “So, Teddy. Well, we have bad news.”

He deflated a little. “What is it?”

“Andromeda is going to assisted living.” 

Nose scrunched up in confusion, he asked, “Why?”

“Well, a few things. Apparently she hasn’t been taking care of herself properly—eating irregularly, never going outside, sleeping for most of the day, and the like. And, uh…” Ginny seemed reluctant to tell him this. “And because she’s asked to move into a nursing home.”

He might have been neutral on the outside, but on the inside he was nothing but, raging with questions.

Was he that hard to take care of? Did his Gran finally reach the end of the straw with him and decide to leave him?

He wasn’t proud of the moment of weakness that came next. “But… but why? I took care of things around the house and her pretty well, even if I sometimes didn’t do the job _properly_.”

Harry and Ginny’s moment of silence that followed was heavy, and Teddy had no idea what to think of it.

Oh God, did they not believe him?

They probably didn’t.

Ginny spoke up, her tone careful and calculated, “Did you do most of the work in the household?”

“Yeah. Most of the time she was too tired or sick to do it.”

“What did you do, Teddy? Like, cook, clean, or?” Harry continued the questioning.

“Cook, clean, grocery shopping, keep the house presentable…”

“I see.” Ginny nodded. “How long had that been going for?”

“Um. Like since I was eleven? That’s when she really was too tired to stay anywhere but her room.”

It was then that Ginny’s façade broke, and she looked to Harry, muttering words he couldn’t make out.

Teddy cowered. Harry put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay,” he replied automatically. There was nothing else to say in response to that.

Teddy huffed. Now what? The atmosphere seemed way too tense to ask about hanging out with Vega to receive a favorable response. Does he wait a while and risk hurting Vega? Does he call back now and tell her that he couldn’t go without even asking?

He chewed on his lip, staring apprehensively at the engraving on the edge of the wooden table.

Should he ask anyways?

“Um, hey,” Teddy said, startling himself. His internal monologue was screaming at him to _shut up, shut up, shut UP._

Ginny nodded at him encouragingly. “What’s up?”

“Do you… Do you mind if I go out with my friend?”

Ginny blinked, as if expecting something much worse. “Yeah, sure. When?”

Now it was Teddy’s turn to blink. “Um... Friday?”

“Sounds good,” she replied cheerfully. “Just tell us when you’re going!”

He nodded, surprised at the turn of events.

That… was not at all how he expected things to go, and it begged the question of _why _he was so terrified of asking such simple questions.

He didn’t know, but frankly, it wasn’t an answer he wanted to know right now. So he put it away for another day.

—

Teddy’s surroundings were indeed breathtaking, a sight for sore eyes if you will.

The only town that he had known was the one that he lived in, so he had gotten quite used to his surroundings—that made exploring this town all that much better.

It was actually an old town, so many of the buildings were old and run down. If not, the buildings were renovated to keep their timeworn look. The architects worked hard to keep the aesthetic of this town.

This town looked like something straight out of rusty photo, and it had the added addition of comforting him. But it seemed… familiar somehow. It had the added effect of unsettling him.

In reality, when Vega had suggested that the two of them hang out during the summer, Teddy hadn’t known what to expect—because what else would you do with friends that you didn’t know very well?

Go to the park? Go out to eat? Go to the movies?

Probably, but that didn’t sound very fun.

So Vega decided she would take him—along with the supervision of her dad—sightseeing at the next town over that wasn’t very far away, and had explicitly told him to bring a camera—only after finding out he had one because of Ginny.

This hadn’t been Vega’s first idea though. Originally, she’d wanted to take him to Peggy’s—the Greek history themed bakery—but he had to plead on not going.

The place only served to put him in a bad mood would be a surefire way to ruin the day for the both of them.

And so here they were.

Mildly, he observed Vega as she walked in front of him, pointing out everything he might like—and true to her intuition, he did like all of them.

Looking around, almost everything he saw called for him to take a picture.

By this point, he’d taken so many that the camera was likely to have filled up in memory.

“What about this one?” Vega captured his attention, pointing to a brick wall, the corner of which held an entrance to a pizzeria.

The wall in question was a dull red, but was complemented easily with the bright colors of moss and graffiti.

Teddy gave her the smile, and raised his camera as if to take a picture, then paused, a thoughtful frown on his mouth. “Can you stand in front of it?”

Vega kept her smile, though her confusion was bright as day. She didn’t question it though.

He raised his camera once more, and managed to capture a few shots where she was looking naturally comfortable, and he had to say they were beautiful.

Satisfied, he showed them to her, eliciting a bright laugh from her. “You make me look prettier than I am.”

Teddy didn’t really understand the statement; he hadn’t done anything to the photos yet? “The camera only captures what it sees. It’s definitely you.”

Her expression was blank for a moment, and then she gaped as she processed his words. Then she laughed again. “You really are something else my dude; I feel like you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“The truth?”

Vega shook her head, smiling again. “Are you hungry? We could just eat here.”

He wasn’t really feeling pizza, but he was tired. “Yeah, sure.”

Walking in, the interior struck him just as charming as the exterior, following the theme of brick wall. There seemed to be two rooms; one for the cash register, and the other to be a small restaurant for the diners. A mural covered the entirety of one wall.

After ordering, they, along with Vega’s dad, sat down at an empty table.

He was perfectly comfortable with Vega, but the unfamiliarity of her father intimidated him.

Teddy preferred that he didn’t have to meet new people, but it was what it was.

Sitting down, he gazed disinterestedly at his surroundings; taking closer look at the mural, it turned out that it was of the obscure streets of Italy, a certain liveliness to it.

He took a picture of that too.

As he looked around some more, he heard the ongoing chatter of Vega talking about her father, and a moment later, he realized that she was talking about him.

“—like, you’ve got to see it Daddy, Teddy’s is like a natural at photography, you’d never know that he only started a few weeks back! He’s been practicing a lot, and it shows,” Vega finished proudly, and Teddy couldn’t keep down the flush of red on his cheeks.

“Is that right?” her Dad said, a note of amusement in his voice. He turned to Teddy, and gestured for his camera.

Thinking nothing of it, he did so.

Teddy observed Vega’s dad’s face, but could make nothing of it.

“You really do have an eye,” he told him, and gave his camera back as Vega went into yet another excited stream of chatter, for which Teddy was grateful because it meant he didn’t need to talk.

“He’s going to be taking photography classes next year,” Vega said, a glimmer in her eye. “Isn’t that right Teddy?”

Teddy blinked. His Gran had told him to drop it, but he had a strong desire to continue anyways. The fact of the matter was that he didn’t really give much thought to it, as even thinking about the fight brought him to frustrated tears again.

“I—I don’t know,” he said lamely.

Understandably, Vega narrowed her eyes.

Who wouldn’t? At one point he was determined to take them, and now he wasn’t? That would be suspicious.

“Why not?” she continued, her tone much softer than what her face foretold.

Teddy shrugged despondently. “I told my Gran about taking them, and, um, she told me I couldn’t. So I don’t know.”

Vega paused, seemingly at a loss for words. “Well, why listen to her?” 

Teddy stared at her, just short of gaping at her.

Vega’s dad snorted. “I don’t think it’s great to encourage him to not listen to his Grandmother.”

“I mean, well, yes, probably,” Vega conceded. “But also—doesn’t that seem, well, a _little _bit unreasonable? I don’t see how taking a photography class is bad.”

“It’s because she wanted to me to focus on my studies,” Teddy interjected softly, feeling uncomfortable at being talked about but not talked to.

“I guess,” Vega said stiffly. “It seems wrong to me. School doesn’t have to be _all_ about running yourself to the floor—studying and learning can be fun too. And besides, I don’t see how that applies here—you literally take so many sciences and then there’s the languages that you’re learning too. You also have some of the best grades I’ve seen?”

Teddy laughed softly. “You flatter me, I think.”

Vega huffed, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. “I still don’t think your Grandma is right—but do what you think is right, yeah?”

Teddy sighed. “It, um—my Gran was hospitalized last week.”

Vega’s demeanor changed immediately and her Dad looked away in a gesture of giving space. “That’s awful.”

It was a statement that didn’t try to trivialize the situation with meaningless platitudes, and he very much appreciated that.

“I don’t know what I thought of it then, but now… I sure as hell don’t feel like telling her no _now_. It feels like kicking her while she’s already down.”

“Yeah, I get that,” she sighed. “I… I don’t mean to be rude, but this isn’t something that’s going to go away in the next few months. Why would you want to get through them without something to hold on to? Your photography clearly means a lot to you, so why not hold on to it and let it help you?”

Teddy looked away, tapping absentmindedly at the table. A server came by, setting their two medium pizzas in front of them. He didn’t know what to say—she was right.

“I guess so,” he finally punched out, and Vega cheered.

He had to admit, Vega was one persistent girl, and she did it all without you even noticing. That took some serious skill.

“Right,” Teddy said as the two in front of him practically inhaled the pizza in nearly ten minutes. “So, where to next?”

“Do you have anything in mind?” Vega’s Dad asked. “She’s pretty much been dragging you around,” he continued as Vega protested. “Have not! He said yes, didn’t he?”

They both went off into another friendly spat—something that they were prone to doing, as Teddy had found out today. Originally, it made him feel nervous, but as it became more consistent, he gradually eased it away, seeing no real threat to their fights.

It was a habit for him.

“What about the movies?” he suggested, sensing that they were still going strong.

Vega broke off from talking, replied, “Sounds good,” and proceeded to pay the bill, with Teddy paying his fair half.

Finally getting back out onto the streets, the evening had noticeably calmed down from the soft purple, orange, and pink sky it was before, and the wind started chilling the slightest bit.

The restaurant was uncomfortably hot, so this was a welcome feeling.

It was apparently too much so, because he shouldered right past a person, and by instinct began to profusely apologize to stranger in question.

“It’s okay,” a familiar voice said, and looked up to notice that it was August, and Teddy was looking him right in the eyes.

His neck could’ve snapped with how quickly he turned his head. Teddy was glad that it was getting darker outside, or else his reddening cheeks would have been dead easy to notice.

“Oh, um, hello,” Teddy greeted, as Vega noticed who it was and proceeded to give him a bear hug.

August laughed loudly, and reciprocated her advances easily, and then waved a hearty hello to Teddy.

Vega broke away from him, and excitedly held on to his arms. “August! What are you doing here?”

He chuckled. “I was just running some errands for my family. I was just about to go home, actually.”

Her face visibly brightened, and Teddy sensed what was going to happen before it even came out of her mouth. He didn’t know whether the prospect excited or terrified him—it could be either way, really.

“Do you want to come with us?” she asked, doing a little jump exactly where she was, and Teddy couldn’t keep the smile at bay at the sight of her antics. “We’re going to the movies.”

“I’d love to,” August replied, rubbing his neck and looking away. “But my family tells me I spend more time with my friends than I do with them. So unfortunately not.”

Vega’s smile deflated a little, but her pep was still there when she reassured him that it was okay, and that he should probably get back to his family before he got in trouble.

As August left, she recovered quickly from her disappointment, and bounced back to him. Meanwhile, in his haste to turn and avoid embarrassing himself further, he stepped right into the puddles of water he had tried so hard to avoid previously.

Teddy sighed, and attempted to move on from it. The night was still young.


	11. Solace in the Beat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the summer, Vega had made the occasional visit—or perhaps it was better to say that it was more like every other day?
> 
> Warnings: General low self-esteem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to upload this chapter before I moved into university, and uh. That never happened. It's only been two weeks and I'm already so busy you guys, comp sci majors really do have packed schedules. Not going to lie, I felt a little bit like Teddy at the end of this chapter for the first few days, haha. Oh, and also "Ted Evelyn" is a reference from How I Met Your Mother. 
> 
> This takes place around October 2013.

During the summer, Vega had made the occasional visit—or perhaps it was better to say that it was more like every other day?

It was enough times that Vega had gotten well acquainted with Harry and Ginny, and was a fan favorite of theirs.

Teddy hadn’t known how well they got along until the day that Vega had come over the one day he wasn’t home to hang out with Ginny. It was a sight that he didn’t know how quite to react; in the moment it had felt like Vega was closer to Harry and Ginny than he was, and that hurt a bit.

He didn’t mention it to them though, thinking it would be risking their disappointment and anger.

The Potter children had taken to her quite well as well; Albus seemed to like her especially, and asked her many questions.

Luckily, Vega was patient enough to answer his questions with surprising clarity.

And so the summer passed quickly in a blur of summer rains and hazy days mostly spent inside.

Teddy wasn’t really sure as to how that happened. One day he was lazing around on his bed in the Potter’s home feeling somewhat bored and unfulfilled, and the next he was stressed out with the fast pace of school and suddenly wishing for the laziness of summer even if it came with the general feeling of emptiness.

And see, the thing was, he would never sabotage his own grades even if it meant that he came down sick for literally a month. Yes, that had literally happened.

Sighing, he set down his pencil, and stared disapprovingly at his physics homework, hoping the intensity of his stare would burn holes into the pieces of paper.

At least then he’d have an excuse for why he doesn’t have it finished.

“Everything good?” Samirah had questioned of him, crossing her arms over his desk.

“What makes you think I’m not?”

“Well,” Samirah began, “you look like you want to murder the paper in cold blood. And you also let out of pretty big sigh.”

“Yeah, well. Physics. You know?”

Samirah nodded understandingly. “I’ve heard that Barrera is one hard ass.”

Teddy snorted. “Yeah, she walks the line between challenging and impossible. But I guess she makes it work.”

“Pretty hard line to follow, huh?”

“Yeah. How’s your life going so far? I haven’t seen you in detention in a bit,” Teddy asked, putting his homework away.

For a moment, she didn’t answer. “Have we really only met in the context of detention?”

“_I _wasn’t in detention, but you were,” he corrected.

“Ted Evelyn Lupin—” He protested loudly that that wasn’t his name, though he could hazard a guess as to exactly where it came from. “—are you trying to say something about me? I am a _good_ noodle, I’ve just _very_ recently decided to be a better person, so you _cannot_—”

“Okay, okay,” Teddy cut her off with a blush, though was giggling like mad. 

Samirah smiled proudly at him. “I stopped going to detention anyhow—I got my meds changed a few months ago, and I don’t sleep for as long nearly as often. I’m kind of happy because it means that I don’t have rack up all those detentions you know? They’re pretty much harmless, but I can’t imagine they look great to universities if I plan on going.”

Teddy perked up. “If?”

It was indeed a strange thing to hear, as his whole life he had been taught that it was better to go to university if he wanted to be something more than he was now (which was to say… not a lot), and be able to sustain himself. Apart from that, he wasn’t given much at all, and to think of it, it sort of aggravated him.

“Yeah,” Samirah told him, donning a surprised expression. “Didn’t I tell you this?”

Teddy shook his head no.

“Really? I could’ve sworn…” She trailed off into incomprehensible murmurs. Snapping back into focus, she said, “Anyways, it doesn’t matter. But like yeah, I don’t really know about university yet. Whether I want to go straight away or take a break for a couple years and work full time…”

Teddy nodded slowly, processing this. “Do you know what you want to do then?”

Samirah smiled as her eyes became distant, seemingly at far away but pleasant future. “I have a few ideas. Like I said, maybe work full time for a year or two and save up my money. I’d always liked the idea of going to a university in Italy! I was really happy to know that being an international student is surprisingly cheap, you know?”

Teddy nodded. “That’s good. Why was it surprising though? You still have to pay for uni here, but it’s not wildly expensive.”

She looked embarrassed as a slight flush appeared on her cheeks. “Ah, well, I originally came from America, and I always grew up knowing that going to uni there would be nothing short of an arm and a leg. I’ve got a cousin who’s getting her PhD in Environmental Engineering at U.C. Berkeley, and just getting her Bachelor’s put her in literally hundreds of thousands of debt. Granted, she didn’t live in California, so she got out-of-state tuition…”

He tilted his head in slight confusion. It seemed like she had mostly rambled off into the specifics of which he could understand in only a shallow sense, only because he was kept up with the international politics of it (all courtesy of Hermione, really).

“I didn’t know you were a transfer,” Teddy instead chose to comment on. “I’m all the more grateful for having gotten the chance to meet you, then.”

Samirah blinked rapidly. And then she laughed. “You really are so sweet. I knew it wasn’t just Vega.”

It was Teddy’s turn to blink. He existed outside of his own immediate perception? Wild. Fake. Absolutely unreal. “I—thank you?”

“Your welcome. So, anyways, I like think I want to major in something performance related.” Samirah shifted back to the previous conversation topic, having sensed the slight awkwardness of the atmosphere.

“Oh, like what?”

“Dance would be really cool,” she told him sincerely. “I’ve been dancing since, like, _forever_, and it’s basically one of my lifelong passions. I’d really like to be able to go for it, you know?”

He hummed in response. It was really heartening to see people have something that they loved ardently. It was nice to—to have a purpose in life, something that drove someone to try harder and better. Or at least be part of their own niche with which to bond with other people. That was nice.

All at once, Samirah seemed to experience a burst of energy and excitement, and did a small dance in her sit. “Actually—I’m going to dance studio today—for our school’s dance team? I think that’s what it is. I heard dance and I ran with it. Anyways, yeah, you should come! It’s meant for beginners.”

Teddy disregarded the request for him to come for a moment. “Beginners? You’re joining the program for beginners?”

Samirah shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d say I’m skilled… but there’s things they could teach me. You never know right?”

“You should have more faith in yourself.”

“I guess. So, what do you say?” Samirah gave him a pouty look.

It was hard to say no to that adorable face, but he had his doubts. “I don’t really know…”

“Come on, _please_?” She clasped her hands together and dragged out the ‘please’ for longer than he thought possible. Long enough that they were both catching the attention of the people occupying the study hall.

“Alright, alright,” Teddy told her, gesturing wildly. “We’re getting weird stares.”

“Thank you!” she cheered, punching the air excitedly. Regardless, Teddy still leaned back to avoid getting a punch to the face.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said exasperatedly, though a smile was present.

The next time he saw Samirah was after school had ended, and he was fully prepared to go to the studio with her.

He’d shot off a quick text to Harry that he was going to stay after school for a while because he forgot that he had something to do (only a _small_ white lie), to which he had replied with a multitude of cute emoji’s and a ‘tell me when you need me to pick you up!’

Seeing that text had threw him for a loop in a quick moment. Teddy was actually prone to doing things last minute, a mix of procrastination and forgetfulness, so he’d pulled this with his Gran quite a few times. Each time she’d be ticked, but it usually ranged from mildly annoyed to sometimes straight up angry.

In those times, he couldn’t really muster up the emotion to feel bad for her plight at all, no matter how many times it was genuinely his fault. He didn’t quite deserve that treatment from her. The most that should happen was discipline, not a complete breakdown of his flaws (sans the good qualities).

“Teddy?” Samirah called to him, and he looked up to see her hand snapping in his face. He backed up a little. “You good?”

“Yeah, what makes you think I’m not?”

“Well, for one, you’ve been looking at your phone like you’ve wanted to cry for the past five minutes.”

Accordingly, he brought up his hand to swipe away at his eyes, and unsurprisingly was met with a mist of tears.

“Everything’s fine,” he replied. “Come on, let’s go now. You said it’s like five minutes away?”

She didn’t answer for a moment. “Erm, yeah. It’s called Kosmos Studios with a capital K. Apparently meant to take you out of this world with their dancing.”

Teddy snorted. “Funny.”

Arriving within the time that he’d been told, they entered not really knowing what to expect.

What did a dance studio look like anyways?

…That probably wasn’t the best question to be on his mind as he was literally entering one, if he wanted to be serious about it at least.

And then he looked back on his thoughts—_wanted to be serious about it_?

Teddy didn’t want to join a dance team—the chance of them performing in front of an audience was somewhat likely, and he wasn’t keen at being judged at from the eyes of over a hundred people. It just wasn’t his idea of fun.

The inside of Kosmos Studios was a lot more emptier than he thought it would be, to be honest. Not in the sense that people weren’t there, but in the idea that it was simply a vast expanse with a few speakers, and colored walls, one of which had the logo. Off to the side, barely noticeable, there was a glass door, hinting at possibly more.

Well, it was probably what he should have expected. You needed lots of space to practice, didn’t you?

Samirah had a completely different reactions, giving a gasp of elation. “It’s so _nice_!”

Teddy merely hummed in acknowledgement. He couldn’t deny it, no, not really. Despite its spacious nature, it did have a sort of tranquil yet confident energy about it.

He swept over the studio again, and a person emerged from the hidden door, scrubbing harshly at his presumably wet hair with a white towel.

When the towel obscuring his face was taken away, Teddy’s eyes near fell out of his head, squawking, “August?”

August seemed to be just as surprised at the sight of him as well. “Teddy? I knew Samirah was coming in today, but not you…”

Teddy shrugged, looking away.

“Oh—oh no, I didn’t mean it like that. The more the merrier!” he told them cheerily. “As you can see, we’ve not started much at all right now. Our instructor is out today, so it’s pretty much just all free-lance.”

Teddy nodded as Samirah easily bounded up to him. He followed reluctantly.

“What do you guys usually do here?” Samirah asked curiously.

They sat down at the edge of the wall, where there was a good view of everyone who was dancing.

It was all chaos—but organized chaos.

Seemingly everyone had their own little group or whatever, where people naturally gravitated towards similar people. He was happy to note that there were people as young as twelve here. Not that he really knew their age, but they sure did look quite young.

Exactly how odd would it be if a fifteen year old wanted to join a dance studio?

Shaking his head, he turned back to August just as he was explaining their routine.

“Usually, we have special instructors come in during the weekends and teach their skills or teach us a dance they made up, but most often we have the regular teachers on normal days. Honestly, everything’s pretty eclectic.” August shrugged, a sheepish smile on his face.

Samirah nodded frantically.

“Actually, I think we’re about to start the practice for a song that we learned last weekend,” he noted as the organized chaos was starting to sort itself out, and Teddy saw someone fiddle with the speakers.

“Do you want to watch?” August asked, a charming smile making a sudden appearance.

Teddy flicked his gaze away, unable to look at it. It was like looking at the goddamn sun; who could bear to look at it for only but a few half seconds? It reminded him of the bright smiles that Leo had often gave him.

Samirah answered affirmatively, and he made himself comfortable.

How long was here for? Glancing at the clock on the wall, he noted that it was half five. Only one more hour before he was due to leave with Harry and Ginny.

As the music grew in volume gradually to a comfortable level, the instructor had begun speaking to her audience, hyping them up.

It was nice—surely there were the fair share of people who felt bad about their skills.

Teddy hadn’t really known what to expect—only the expectation that he would be bored. He came here to support Samirah, really. And that was proved wrong—so very wrong.

The definition of dance was easy to learn the meaning of, truly. But watching her dance made him question if he really knew at all, because watching someone who was passionate about their art do their thing was… art. Just art.

How else could he describe it?

Teddy watched curiously as the teacher did a pirouette, for a second, and then did a thing where it seemed like she twisted her whole body down and then back up.

How were her bones even in tact right now? That seemed _painful_. Not to mention—was it even possible to be that graceful and pull that move off? If it were Teddy, he would certainly trip over his own leg, and if he did pull it off, he would most decidedly _not_ look so nonchalant about it all.

Enhanced through the choreography, the music now seemed full of life and energy whereas before it was lackluster. Similarly, the choreography found solace in the beat.

Watching the room dance in some sort of haphazard unison made him long to be _good_ at something, and find true joy in doing so.

What did he have? A hobby in which he barely knew how to go about doing? That was nothing. Teddy could barely find any pride in it, and his Gran would surely tell him it was a useless endeavor unless he was the best of the best. Which, for the moment, was quite nearly impossible.

Deflating, he idly searched for Samirah in the crowd, and when he did, he saw her excitedly chattered away with the people around her. She looked as if there was no place else she would rather be.

Scowling, Teddy looked away. The room seemed to have no place for him, but he felt no urge whatsoever to get up and slot himself in at all.

What was he to do?

The class went on and on as the people slowly but surely learned the choreography move by move and step by step with the careful and attentive guidance of the instructor.

It was easy to tell that the sun was waning and losing its shine from the way its bright sunlight was fading into soft yellows and oranges, and he knew that Harry and Ginny would be here to pick him up soon.

He decided to get his things and wait outside at the entrance. In the ambience of the sunset, things were hazy, coloring the atmosphere with a sleepy laziness. The people walking around outside of the building walked leisurely, and others walked as if they were in the music video of their own song in the making. It was fun watching them do little twirls, or just to notice the little bounce in their step.

A few minutes later, the class released, and sure enough, Teddy saw Harry and Ginny roll up next to him, with Ginny driving.

Smiling he began to step forward, but a voice stopped him dead in his tracks.

Teddy really didn’t want to stay any longer than he had to, but he really couldn’t resist turning around and listen to what August had say.

“Hey,” he said, a tired but genuine smile on his face.

Teddy responded similarly.

“So, it was nice of you to come today, that meant a lot.”

“Well, anything for a f—friend of mine.” Teddy hoped he didn’t notice his slight stutter.

“Are you going to join? Well, I mean, I really liked seeing you here today, and it would be nice seeing you here every other day too.”

“I—I, um, I don’t—”

Then he smiled that brilliant smile of his, and Teddy couldn’t really disappoint him when he was _that _excited to have him. “Yeah, okay.”

August’s responding smile was even brighter. To avoid letting him see his flushed cheeks, Teddy turned around on his heel with a rushed, “Well, okay, see you, _bye_!”

He stumbled into the car wide-eyed and breathless though he had done nothing of the sort to warrant it. He supposed escaping uncomfortable situations with social parkour was a sort of exercise.

Maneuvering his backpack to the seat on the other side, Teddy finally let out a sigh.

“Well hello to you Teddy,” Ginny greeted him cheerfully, and he managed to throw one back at her.

“So, any reason you sound breathless today?” she asked, the teasing lilt in her voice almost managing to tell him what was to come next. Oh dear. “Is it because of that boy? Did he take your _breath_ away?” She laughed good-naturedly, though it seemed she didn’t realize how accurate she was hitting the nail right on the head.

Teddy thought he blushed again, but he didn’t think it was possible with how red his cheeks already were.

She was magic, he swore on his life. 

"She's kidding," Harry followed up. It was almost too obvious that he rolled his eyes at her antics. 

“Oh, no, absolutely not,” Ginny countered in her utmost serious voice, though it easy to tell she was fighting to keep a smile off her face. “Was I right?”

“Um…” Teddy didn’t know how to answer. “It’s complicated, so I don’t really know how to explain it…”

“That’s okay,” Harry replied before Ginny could say anything. “But just so you know, it’s okay to like boys. Right, Ginny?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Is it,” Teddy said, lacking inflection.

It wasn’t something that came up in his household, likely for a lack of need for it. He didn’t really think about boys much when he was younger, and his Gran didn’t bother to find out, or even talk about the possibility of him liking boys. It wasn’t common in his family either.

It was completely possible that his Gran completely abhorred the idea, but even he thought she wouldn’t go that far. As far as being a Black goes, she wasn’t _too _much of a traditionalist.

“Did you know,” Harry asked cheerily, “that Uncle Sirius was bi? None of us really figured it until your father told us, which really was kind of a mistake on my part, because you’d just think I’d be able to tell.”

Well, there goes that theory of his. “Why would you be able to tell?” Teddy asked, leaning forward to place his chin on the top of the seat.

“Oh, um,” Harry said.

“Because he’s bi too,” Ginny finished for him. “He just doesn’t know how to tell people. I’m technically bi too.”

“Really? I didn’t know, I just thought your girlfriends were your gal pals, your best friends forever, your—”

Ginny snorted and told Harry to shut up.

“Oh. Well, that’s great I guess?” Teddy frowned, tilting his head not really taking in what was being said. “Is there anything else you could be?”

“There’s a lot you can be,” Ginny told him, nodding, though the effect was lost for the fact that she wasn’t facing him. “It’s a pretty expansive subject, you know?”

“Right,” he agreed, though he didn’t have the slightest idea of what she was referring to.

"Anyways," Ginny said with the same blasé cheerfulness she’d begun the conversation with, "we're not really good at talking to people like this, so this our way of saying that we support you, whichever way you go." 

"_We? _Excuse me, leave me out of it! I was perfectly communicative," Harry said, affronted.

"Please," she scoffed back at him. "You nearly spent half your third year at uni _not_ talking about the shit—"

"Me? At least I—" 

So their conversation went, and Teddy tuned himself out of it. At one point it might have scared him how prone they were to get into fights, but now it was the sort of thing to roll his eyes at instead of taking it as something truly serious. Actually, it was only a month back that he realized that their bickering was what they considered conversations. A little weird, but okay. 

It was fine. At times, it was hard to believe this was his life now. Things were so good that it made him realize how bad he felt when he was living back at home. He never thought about it much, mostly because it only brought him back to the same place, asking the same questions over and over again. Teddy, candidly, could never find the answers, no matter how much the questions picked away at his heart. 

Sometimes he believed this life was too good for him, and that he'd wake up from the sweet dream anytime now. 

In that same vein, he tried telling himself that this was what he should've had from the beginning, even if his conscious vehemently denied it any notion of it. Sometimes he accepted it readily. What was he doing here when his Gran was in hospice? Shouldn’t he be there for her? Shouldn’t he be helping his Gran out in her time of need?

What was he doing here?

On the other hand, a heavy weight had lifted off his chest moments after he moved in with the Potters, though it was utterly unexplainable to himself.

Strangely enough, this was remedied quickly in the next few days.

"Hey, Teddy," Ginny said, sliding on to the seat next to him on the couch.

Teddy looked up from his book, warily. 

"Oh, yikes, you've become a little too good at reading me, huh?" she asked, a rubbing the back of her neck. "Do you know what I'm here for?" 

"Something," he replied, dryly. 

"I'm astounded by your superior deduction abilities," Ginny told him sarcastically.

He shrugged and gave her an innocent smile.

"Anyways, um, this is difficult for me to say." She let out a sigh, and Teddy's heartstrings tugged a little. For how long had she been thinking on it? Was he that hard to approach about it?

“Right, well, for the past few months we’ve been seeing your Grandma periodically, along with Draco Malfoy—you know him, right?—to make sure nothing too bad has happened to her,” Ginny said, and Teddy’s blood froze for a moment. A tremor of guilt floated up to the surface of his conscience.

“And well, I’d really rather not have you anywhere near her—” He frowned at that, wondering why. “—but she has been _absolutely _persistent about seeing you, to the point her health isn’t doing so well, and we don’t know what to do. I wanted to ask if you wanted to visit her or something sometime soon, and you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“Yes,” Teddy replied immediately, “I’ll go. When?”

“That… was quick,” Ginny said, blinking. “This weekend, then. Sunday?”

He nodded, brusque.

A moment passed.

“Are you really okay with this? This is the first time you’re going to see her and…”

“I’m fine,” Teddy replied, smiling at her. “It’s been a while, and I want to see how she’s doing.”

Ginny sighed. “Well, alright…”

—

Sunday came quicker than Teddy thought it would, honestly, and that was a direct assumption of the fact that he didn’t have much homework this weekend. He had forgotten that James, Al, and Lily were enough to handle for the weekend even without the burden of schoolwork.

Because of those three, the car ride had passed within five minutes instead of the twenty minutes it should have taken.

Teddy walked into the home tentatively, taking in the new surroundings. It really was odd to find a renovated house in the middle of a town where townhomes were present more often than not.

“Oh, hello,” an older woman that couldn’t have been older than twenty-nine had greeted them, “are you here for anyone?”

Teddy stood as Harry murmured quietly to her, and then led him and Harry to his Gran for she wasn’t socializing with the other people here and Ginny broke off to the side to watch the kids.

“I’ll be waiting outside, yeah?” Harry told him with a lopsided smile. Teddy nodded and gave one back.

He pushed open the door slowly, and entered to see a mess of haphazard books, pens, and things of a similar sort strewn around.

It wasn’t half-bad, if it weren’t for the fact that there was an even messier bed in the middle of the room, and it was apparent that his Gran was restless to be living here.

Teddy closed the door behind him, and the soft click caught his Gran’s attention from where she was at the rocking chair.

She glanced up, and the smile that bloomed was almost too lovely to look at.

“Teddy,” his Gran had called with the most amount of warmth he had ever heard from her. “You’re here! You came to see me?”

Teddy nodded slowly, his shoulders easing slightly. “Yeah. I heard you were asking for me. I’m sorry for not seeing you sooner.”

“You’re here now,” she said simply, and moved over to the bed. She patted the space next to her, and he sat down.

It was kind of weird, just how kind she was acting today.

Maybe she really did miss him.

“So, how have you been?” his Gran questioned, looking strangely devoid of her usual criticisms. “Have you been eating well?” At that, she paused to examine Teddy’s figure, and he folded his body in smaller.

“I’ve been eating well,” he answered. As well as he could be, anyways. He ate erratically because most often times he just forgot, though he did eat.

“That’s good. How’s school been?”

Oh, what a heavy question to go for right off the bat. It was a hard question to answer because the question didn’t have the relatively simple answer it should have. The truth was that there was a lot going on. He was in his last year before he’s set to take his actual GCSEs and then he was off to start his A-level classes. He had gone off and decided to continue taking photography, and somehow, his physics and further maths classes had gone off and gotten infinitely harder on him. He usually was on top of everything, but he hadn’t gotten his energy back to start studying as intensely as he did before.

Teddy didn’t want to tell any of this to his Gran; her mood seemed too good to sour because of his inability to stop being a “lazy fucker,” as Samirah would kindly put it. “Good,” he told her softly. “My classes are going well. I started a new year.”

“Oh,” his Gran said, surprised. “Have I really missed that much of your life? It’s being in this home, I swear.” She paused, and expression of thoughtfulness on her face. “Did you continue with photography?”

Teddy froze, his blood running cold. Why would she bring this up now of all things? How did she remember? He really had to do his research on Alzheimer’s; he’d been putting it off since his Gran had been diagnosed, too terrified to learn what exactly was in store for her.

He stayed quiet, playing with a stray thread from the sheets in between his fingers.

“You did, didn’t you?” his Gran asked accusatorily, and Teddy staunchly kept playing with the thread. He felt his Gran’s hard stare on his back, a shiver going up his spine. Then he heard her exasperated sigh. “I guess I can’t stop you from doing what you want. How are you growing up away from me so quickly?”

Teddy looked up, and he was sure that he had snapped his neck. That… was not the reaction he thought he’d receive. Maybe more cold silences, sharp voices, or an icy request for him to leave the room. Certainly not _this_.

“Um,” he said dumbly, “okay.”

“Listen,” his Gran said, a strangely apologetic look on her face. “I’m sorry. For what happened at the beginning of summer. I shouldn’t have said what I did, and even if I did have a bad day, that was not an excuse. You didn’t deserve to hear that no one cares for you. I do care for you. And I’m sure that the Potters do too.”

Upon hearing this, the first thing that Teddy had thought was that he wished this happened over the phone just so his Gran didn’t have to see the way that he was at a loss for words, opening and closing his mouth like a fish.

This _above and beyond_ what he had expected. Apologies weren’t the norm in his house. He wouldn’t be the first to apologize, but neither would his Gran.

“I,” he breathed. “I—um—okay. Okay.”

His Gran looked at him curiously, as if expecting something, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. “So, how is your friend?” she continued breezily, and Teddy had to pause and recalibrate, having no idea what had just happened in the last few seconds. He was pretty sure that he’d never once spoke about Vega, August, or Samirah before summer break, and clearly, he hadn’t gotten the chance afterwards.

“I’m not sure who you’re referring to?”

His Gran blinked. “The short one with brown hair? I think the one who you wrote the story with.”

“Oh,” he said, and his gaze moved away from her, this time staring at a spot of dust. Leo hadn’t even been a thought in his mind right then, and that struck him as odd. Leo _was_ his friend. Why hadn’t he thought about him?

Not to mention, didn’t his Gran forget about him? How did she remember him again? Did she forget the person or did she forget to attach a name to the person? Had he honestly just been fooling himself the whole time, worrying about whether his Gran cared at all for his life and friends? Jesus.

Before he could think himself any farther into a spiral, his Gran made use of her incredible perception skills, reading him like a children’s book. “Oh, please don’t tell me that you had a falling out with him? He was a good boy, and an even better influence on you. What happened? Did _you_ do something?”

“No, no,” he was quick to rectify. “Do… do you really not remember?” Teddy gave no hint as to what had actually happened with him. Maybe it was better for her not to know at all. What good would it do for her anyways?

“No, what happened?”

“Nothing, it’s fine. Leo… Leo is doing fine, great even,” Teddy informed her with forced cheerfulness. Hopefully it didn’t _look_ forced. “Just the other day—funny story, actually—he got mousse all over himself because he accidentally missed putting the spoon to his mouth. He was too focused on the maths homework he had due that day.” Just then, he laughed genuinely. That was a true story back from when they had first met. It made him laugh for ages, and it made him laugh now. That was one of the better memories he had of them together.

“Really?” his Gran asked, her eyebrows rising up to her hairline. “Well, I guess that sort of thing happens to the best of us,” she chuckled. “I remember once that I threw my cup of coffee on to my bed instead of my book, and it fell all over the essay I had due the next day. I certainly had fun staying up all night and rewriting that whole thing.”

Teddy laughed, and there was a high note of disbelief that rang in it. He didn’t know many funny stories about his Gran—she was as closed off as you could get. It made sense, he supposed, for her to keep her personal moments close to her chest. In a family where she had to be as strong as titanium, details in her life such as those would be exploited and used against her, and made her vulnerable. Her childhood… was not the best, and it made her a hard and jaded person. Only a few things made her soft. One of these things happened to be her late husband—his namesake—a man whom he heard was exceptionally caring and kind. Teddy wished he could’ve met him before he had died.

His Gran spoke more about the details of her younger years, and he listened intently, interjecting to relay some his own similar stories. They’d laughed together, for once, and Teddy realized that he’d never known what it was like to experience such a friendship with his Gran.

In light of that revelation, he told her with some hesitance that he was considering joining a dance studio along with some of his friends, and her reaction was—thankfully—in line with the atmosphere they’d created together.

“That’s great,” she had exclaimed, a beaming smile on her face. “It’s good to have something to put as an extracurricular on your university applications, and it’s good exercise too!”

At that, Teddy almost wanted to tell her that his joining of a dance studio didn’t have to do with enhancing his applications or for exercise, but rather, it could be for his own joy and merriment, and if it looked good for his future endeavors, then that wasn’t the effect he intended at all. But she looked so elated and energetic that he couldn’t bring himself to bring her down to earth.

They moved on to other, more irrelevant topics, and at one point, his Gran had handed him a bottle of nail varnish, telling him that he had the steadiest hands she’d ever seen. He’d taken the bottle, the confusion on his face evident, and painted her nails anyways, talking about his ‘new’ friends, as sad as that seemed, and of all the funny and dumb things they’d done that made Teddy almost break his hip. He was glad to note that his stories seemed to elicit the same reaction out of her that it did out of him.

After Teddy finished her nails, his Gran started painting _his _nails, and he thought that she certainly wasn’t thinking straight. He didn’t know how she felt about boys wearing stereotypically girly things, but he honestly didn’t expect much from her. Maybe she thought painting nails was the least of the offenses. Or maybe her Alzheimer’s was already screwing with her head up more than he believed.

The thought made his heart drop, so he stopped thinking about it too much.

Sometime later, he came out of the room his Gran had been staying in, lighter than he’d felt in years.

Harry was still outside, surprisingly, reading a magazine with a highly unusual interest in the article.

“What are you reading?” Teddy asked, matching the noise level of the hall. Which was to say, not much.

Harry looked up, his reaction a little slow. He blinked, and then smiled. “I realized that one of Ginny’s articles was in one of the magazines, so I was rereading it.” He got up and gestured for Teddy to follow as he walked out into the main living room. “How was staying with your Grandma? You didn’t come out to ask me for any sort of help, so I assume things went hopefully well?”

Teddy nodded happily, and Harry followed up with, “That’s good. I’m glad to hear your Gran is treating you well.”

He rustled, and he almost felt like asking why almost everyone assumed Gran was a bad person. She was a good person, even if she sometimes had bad ways of showing off her anger and irritation.

“Yeah,” was what he settled for in the end.

“Glad to hear it,” Harry replied, and then held out his hand.

With a moment’s hesitance, he took it, and Harry easily noticed that his nails did not look as they usually did. “You painted your nails?”

“Er, yes, but it was Gran who did it,” Teddy responded awkwardly.

“Oh. Well they look nice. I like the color,” he commented, and Teddy agreed that the emerald shade was particularly beautiful under the fluorescent lights.

As they finally reached Ginny, Harry went to kiss her on the forehead, and Ginny looked up at him with a fondness probably reserved for couples that had been together for long enough.

Teddy averted his eyes, as watching such a thing seemed like an invasion of privacy. To avoid standing around and doing nothing, he sat next to Lily, who looked to be fast asleep, but really, who knew with her? Sometimes she faked it just so Harry or Ginny would carry her around everywhere. She’d once confided in him that she liked it so much because they sometimes let her sleep on them for a while before they tucked her into bed.

Even Teddy had to admit that was pretty sweet of her.

James and Al were playing blackjack with each other, and he honestly was questioning who had taught them to play such games. Was it Uncle George? It was more than likely to be Uncle George—he was after all the mastermind behind many of the harmless pranks he played on the family. They usually got a good chuckle out of everyone.

“Did you have trouble with the kids?”

“A little,” Ginny sighed and Harry grimaced in sympathy. “I’m sorry, I should’ve—” Ginny swatted at him before he could finish. “You were looking after Teddy, it’s fine.”

A few minutes later, they were all sitting comfily in the car, and Lily had gotten her wish, intentional or not.

Teddy had mostly tuned out everything else in favor of watching the trees, buildings, and surroundings blur past, but he vaguely heard James and Al talking either with each other or with their parents.

Their soft murmurs almost put Teddy to sleep, but the call of his name brought him back to full consciousness. “Hm?”

“Are you okay to eat out today?” Ginny asked, and with it, James and Al had looked at him pleadingly. It was hard to say no to faces like those.

“Yeah, I’m good to go,” he replied, and the car was filled with cheers for a few seconds, and Al even had reached over to give him one of his signature bear hugs.

He may not be the _biggest_ fan of hugs, but he’d always accept them from Al.

And God, this family was so dumb, but it was an undeniable fact that Teddy wouldn’t trade it out for anything else.

—

Sex and Health Studies, as it turned out, was… an interesting class to say the least. When Teddy had learned that it was implemented this year, and mandatory for students of all age to take, he’d thought it would be just another class to tack onto his schedule, and run the same usual routine that he did with every other class. Take notes, do the homework, study, take the test, etcetera, etcetera.

He just didn’t know that he would be stuck with the crudest class ever known to the history of mankind. It was likely the norm that almost every fifteen year old boy was to be lewd and obscene (though he supposed himself and another boy named Alex Karalis were the outliers, and he might’ve gotten along with Alex if he didn’t start every argument that had to do with Teddy’s own humanity with, “Well, I don’t mean to play the Devils’ advocate, _but_—”), but there was something off about the population of boys of his graduating class of Hogwarts. It was completely possible that someone had put something in their water for the first few year of their growing up that made them so sexually charged that Teddy wasn’t given. Maybe he should be thankful for that, he thought, remembering when he once watched a boy in his year flirt badly with Vega with a horrified sort of fascination.

Either way, whoever decided to make the roster for this class must’ve been high off their ass, or maybe completely blackout drunk. Who really knew anyways?

It was for that exact reason that the boys (and perhaps a few girls) of the class absolutely lost their marbles and created a steady stream of snickers as Emmy Hwang was chosen to be the “hoochie mama” that gave half the soccer team an STD inadvertently—all having to do with a presentation of how STDs apparently spread around from person to person. As for that name? The teacher just happened to be a very supportive person of healthy sexual activity in teenagers that sometimes used outdated names that didn’t quite fit. She once referred to sex as “making feet for children’s stockings,” which struck Teddy as a little odd—wasn’t she at _least _born in the twentieth century? Why was she using terms from the eighteenth? Was she trying tell the class that she was immortal? Or perhaps a very distracted yet understanding vampire? (And yes, he’d looked it up when he got home, for it had been eating away at his mind for a while now.)

So, it was pretty safe to say that this class was a prime circus like environment for clowns and comedians alike, and on the next Monday morning, Teddy had expected nothing less when he walked into third period and set his bag next to Vega’s desk, who he thankfully shared the class with, because how else would he deal with all these idiot boys?

As he was about to get out his folder for the module that was beginning to fall apart, he belatedly noticed that Vega was sitting down with her hands clasped together on her desk, and a pencil lying on the very top. She seemed to be ready for… something. Glancing around, he noticed some other anxiously flipping through sizeable stacks of index cards.

Teddy tapped Vega on the shoulder, leaning in closer to her. He asked of her, “Anything important going on today?” He didn’t think he wanted to know the answer particularly bad.

“Teddy, didn’t you know?” Vega looked disparaging, yet simultaneously like she had better things to at the moment. It didn’t look too good for him. “We have the module test today.”

“What?” he hissed, frantically getting up out of his seat, not waiting for Vega’s answer.

The bell hadn’t rung yet, so the teacher was still at her door greeting the students that came in.

Teddy waited as politely as he could for the next few students to enter, and without preamble, he questioned, maybe a high note to his voice, “Do we have the test today?” He was going to just begin with that, but he realized just how rude that sounded, so he tacked on a, “Mrs. Clarke.”

Mrs. Clarke peered at him through her glasses oddly, and then sounded eerily like Vega when she answered, “Didn’t you know? It was on the board all of last week.”

“But don’t we usually review before a test?”

“Not this time around,” she replied, looking sympathetic.

Sighing, he rushed back to his desk, and his gaze immediately flitted to the whiteboard at the back of the room. Sure enough, next to today’s date was written in neat, cursive font, “Test!”

He opened the folder sitting atop his desk and thought to himself, maybe he could get some review in?

And then—oh god, he realized, he didn’t even have his flashcards ready for Mrs. Clarke to check, and those were worth at least ten percent of the module test grade.

Through a frenzied haze, he swept his gaze around the classroom, and he saw that most everyone looked ready to go, and the reality that he was the only one who wasn’t tipped him over the edge.

Teddy heaved a sob, and he made an attempt to wipe away his face, but more tears slid down his face, so what was the point of cleaning up a mess that created itself again anyways? He couldn’t hide the fact that he was currently crying from his class, and even if he could hide the tears, the sobs would be a dead giveaway.

What was he going to do? He barely had an B in this class, and if he failed this test, he was more than likely to drop down to a C, and what was he going to tell his Gran then? He might not tell her of his ongoing grades, but semester grades were hard to hide, and she always found her way around to them, one way or another.

Teddy couldn’t bear to disappoint her again.

Vaguely, through blurred eyes, he saw Mrs. Clarke lean down in front of his desk and take both his hands in hers. “It’s going to be okay, you know that? It’s just a silly test, and it doesn’t mean anything about your intelligence. I’ve observed you a lot, and you work so hard in this class that it’s refreshing to see.”

Teddy supposed that he might have been flattered by that, floored even, but right now, those words meant nothing to him, going in one ear, and out the other, and he still cried.

Mrs. Clarke, realizing that her comfort wouldn’t help, asked of him, “Do you want to go out for some water?” and he answered with a nod, as words were difficult to get out.

“Vega, do you mind taking him?” And then some interactions he didn’t pay attention to occurred, and then suddenly was walking down the hallway with Vega, leaving behind a class that was probably murmuring about him behind his back.

He noted the posters that were peeling off the walls, the occasional student that passed by, and the odd marine science or physical science lectures from classrooms whose doors were still propped open.

Vega was walking alongside him, gesturing wildly as she went on about every possible good thing about him that she could think of. “You know that you’re so beautiful, and you’re so hardworking too, did anyone ever tell you that? And you’re one of the loveliest friends I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting—”

Teddy listened to all of this with a filter that softened everything and made him feel like he was floating leisurely in the air. Even despite that, he had a vague thought to himself that Vega was just saying this to make him feel better, not because she believed any of what she was saying. He hardly was any of the things she claimed he was. But he allowed her to ramble on anyways, as it seemed to give her something to do; if he didn’t know any better, Teddy would probably think that she wasn’t good with people crying. And at the moment, he didn’t. None of it seemed to matter in the face of the fact that he’d completely missed the memo about there being a test today.

He wasn’t arrogant by any sense of the definition, but he prided himself on his intelligence, for he had not much else going for him. That seemed to fall apart in just the span of a few minutes. It was likely fair enough to assume that most people would be able to remember important dates, and to put simply, he couldn’t. How was that any good for him at all? How would that fare for him for the future, if he couldn’t be bothered to remember dates now? He was going to be an _awful _adult; how would he ever be able to take care of himself without the help of his Gran, or hell, even Harry and Ginny?

Teddy was a sad excuse of a human being.

They walked up and down the long hallway a few times, never really stopping for the water he was meant to get.

A few laps later, Vega asked, “Are you okay?” and the pity seeping from her every pore rustled him. He wanted to be cared for and given attention to, but not like this. He knew that he was incapable of doing even the simplest of tasks; he just didn’t want to be made to feel like it, especially coming from Vega, of all the people.

“Yes,” Teddy forced through gritted teeth to appease her. She, on the other hand, seemed to be well versed on him just enough to know that he was lying, if the look on her face was indicative of anything.

“Are you ready to go back to class now?”

“Yes.”

The two of them walked back to Mrs. Clarke’s classroom, and he took his seat at his desk, where the test already was set on top.

He took a deep breath and hoped for the best.


	12. To Love and Be Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even after having been part of the dance studio for a few months, it was infinitely hard to get used to the sheer rigor of the dances themselves.
> 
> Warnings: Abuse, but it's more like learning about abuse than it is depictions of it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so life has been kicking my butt. I also meant to upload this chapter a while back, but only just now got the time to look over it and make edits. It's also kind of a weird chapter because of all the explicit references and characters but you know what, I love both Noragami (can you tell?) and Sylvia so they stay. 
> 
> This takes place around December 2013.

Even after having been part of the dance studio for a few months, it was infinitely hard to get used to the sheer rigor of the dances themselves.

As Teddy was a beginner, nearly every dance was as hard as it could get, and he often had to practice on his own at home to at least be caught up to his peers. Many times he practiced in his own room at the Potter’s home because he didn’t quite feel masochistic enough to embarrass himself in front of Harry and Ginny, and if they heard the odd thump here or there coming from his room, they didn’t question it too much. Teddy was immensely grateful for that.

As a result, he was _sore_. Teddy couldn’t even move from his place on the dance studio floor, even as Samirah attempted to poke him into moving. She eventually tried to drag him away, but it was of no use, only succeeding in putting his body in a weird position.

Samirah sighed and crossed her arms.

From his view, Samirah looked very tall and foreboding, seeming to contemplate something. She sighed again, and then sat down to lie next to him.

“Is everything alright? You’ve been acting weird all day.”

Teddy looked around the room. Seemingly, nothing seemed to bother the people around them, not even two teenagers taking up their precious space.

Maybe they were all used to this—except for Srijani, who gave them an amused look as she twirled past them, long hair flying around her.

She was one of the more practiced attendees of the studio.

“Hm?” he asked when he realized Samirah asked a question.

She repeated herself.

“Oh,” he said. “It’s October, isn’t it? It’s just a weird month for me.”

It was two weeks past Leo’s funeral. Teddy did not have the courage to go, and though Monica was completely supportive of him, he still felt guilty. To at least try to make it up to Leo, he wanted to visit the cemetery, bring flowers, do _something_, but in the end, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He also stayed away from that very same cemetery because that was where his parents were buried. As much as he missed them, he oddly felt like he couldn’t talk to them, like they wouldn’t want to listen to him anymore. Teddy didn’t know if that was true, but he didn’t have any way to prove otherwise.

Teddy didn’t want to do anything. He wanted to put it all behind him, and the only way he could do that was if he put it _all_ behind him, forget anything ever existed.

He didn’t like the idea of that.

“I understand,” Samirah told him. “It’s a weird month for me too. Do you want to talk about it?”

Teddy considered this. Leo’s death wasn’t exactly a secret—well, not like his parents’ deaths were. They might have made the news, but their names weren’t put up, for which he was immensely grateful. “I—well, hm. Leo’s funeral was a few days ago and I couldn’t bring myself to go.”

Samirah didn’t move. “Oh, I’m sorry. I hope you figure your feelings out, but frankly I don’t know how you feel.”

“I think you should be glad about that.” But the truth was he really didn’t know how he felt, really. He had seen from Gran the sort of anger that his mum’s and dad’s death fueled, the all-consuming rage that took over her, and sometimes didn’t tide over for weeks on end. Other days, she’d felt so helpless and _hopeless_ that she couldn’t do anything _but_ lie in bed and contemplate what would have been, in a loop that let her fall into a depressive spiral. On those days, he never really knew what to do, and in the end settled for at least making the day easier on her.

Teddy wondered whether he was even grieving. Was he grieving? Were his feelings too mild for it to be truly grief?

“Maybe so,” she laughed, and it relieved Teddy a little bit in that she could find some humor in this.

“I don’t know,” he continued. “I wanted to visit his grave. You know I haven’t even stepped foot near it? I don’t think I could take seeing Leo without Leo actually being there.”

“Take your time.” He saw Samirah try to shrug from the corner of his eyes. “Nobody grieves in a day. You can go when you want to.”

“How about you?” Teddy asked, just for the pure fact that he didn’t want to be the topic of discussion anymore. It made him uncomfortable. “You said this was a weird month for you too.”

“It’s kind of dumb,” Samirah laughed, a sadness tinting it. It was this fact that made Teddy immediately realize that this might be a topic that she wouldn’t want to talk about, and he went to rectify, “You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want. I understand.”

“No, no,” she told him. There was an airy tone to it. “I’m fine talking to you about it. You probably wouldn’t go around spreading it around.”

“Of course not,” he reassured. His head turned to look at Samirah, but she was still looking up at the ceiling. It wasn’t a bad habit to be used to looking people in the eyes, but man, it sure did get awkward when the other person didn’t look back at you.

“Yeah,” she said. “I don’t know. I think around this time four years ago, I was playing with my friends. I still lived in America back then, and I really couldn’t see myself leaving them. And four years later, here I am.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Sorry,” she laughed again. “That was super vague, wasn’t it? I was sad about leaving my friends, but I was like, oh hey, maybe there is a way to keep in touch with them. I sent letters and called them whenever I could, but eventually they stopped talking to me. I don’t know if they think about it much, but I think about it almost every day. It just sort of made me wonder if they were really my friends at all. I loved them.”

“Oh.” That was an inexplicably sad feeling, wasn’t it? To know that your friends are alive, but they left you anyways. Maybe that hurt more than any death—at least Teddy knew for sure that Leo didn’t _want_ to leave him.

Okay, so maybe his pain and her pain weren’t similar, but Teddy understood what she was saying all the same.

His gaze momentarily flicked to Vega hiding away in a corner, attention briefly caught. She was with August again, giggling away as she usually was.

She seemed to be doing that a lot more these days—_but_, it also meant that she was happier. Teddy wasn’t all too bothered about that.

“You know,” Teddy began, sitting up, Samirah quickly following. “Vega’s been visiting August a lot lately.”

Samirah’s eyes jumped to Vega, just as he had, and then paused for a moment. “She has, hasn’t she?” She giggled just then, a grin forming. “You think they’re dating?”

Teddy honestly was about to say no but considered that maybe he should think it over. Vega and August had been spending a lot more time recently, and even before that, she was particularly enamored with him. If you wanted to go even farther back, before he and Vega had met, they were clearly the best of friends—it was just luck that Teddy had gotten a chance to meet him that day.

Those were just the facts of the situation, but in the end, they sent a tiny twinge of sadness through him, just for the matter that Vega has been friends with August for longer, and was a higher priority. Sometimes, he thought, he’d like to be someone’s priority too.

Teddy couldn’t exactly get mad at Vega for that, and he didn’t particularly want to. And besides, it was alright. Right? Because though Harry and Ginny gained another child, all things considered, they never made him feel like he was an unwanted addition to the family, even if he was unwanted.

On his worst days, Harry and Ginny’s kindness managed to keep some of his darker thoughts at bay.

“It’s possible,” he finally replied, a sigh trailing right behind. “You know, it’s kind of a weird thought—I never really thought I’d ever be old enough to see my friends start _dating_ of all things… When I was younger, I just thought it wouldn’t be something I’d experience—just something in a faraway future that wasn’t for me, you know?”

“Same,” Samirah replied, laughing. “I totally understand. When you’re a kid nothing seems to be intact really—like maybe you’re told about it and that it might happen, but then I’m pretty sure I was like, eh, we’ll unpack that later.”

“Exactly,” Teddy said emphatically, glad for finding someone that understood. Maybe Samirah didn’t really _mean_ for her words to have as much impact as they did or maybe they didn’t apply to her situation as greatly as it did for him, but she’d really just put into words on how he felt about Leo, a fact that he wholly regretted. Taking someone for granted never really had that many great outcomes, but he supposed it was to happen when you’ve never given thought about a life where someone you loved with all your life _wouldn’t_ be there. That was a mistake on his part. Shouldn’t he have learned his lesson when he had lost his parents, the people who were supposed to love him and be loved by him?

Samirah trailed off into a comfortable silence for the moment, and Teddy took the chance to absorb the strange situation they were in; they literally were having somewhat of an existential crisis on the floor of dance studio that was currently occupied with many, many people.

Maybe they should get up or something. It seemed Samirah had the same thought too, as she took one of his hands, and dragged him back up (and into reality, while she was at it).

Well, Teddy noted tiredly, it was time to go back to practice.

—

Photography class, as one would have it, was as hard as it could get. For some, perhaps it seemed like an easier class due to the simple nature of it—after all, nearly all of the students got the chance to take pictures at their own leisure and venture outside of the class if they ever needed it, maybe a few practical and historical modules and progress sketchbooks. That seemed like the class to have, wasn’t it?

More students probably would have taken the class had it not been for the fact of the kind of unpleasant teacher, even if she was hidden behind a kinder disposition. Most dropped photography after taking the GCSE due to this, and Teddy more than understood. He had been newer and more innocent and completely had no idea of what he was in for.

It was a harsh way to judge this teacher for she _could _be nice and kind, but nearly all the time, it depended on who she was with, and it was glaringly clear that Teddy himself was not one of the favored students.

There could have been a multitude of reasons for this—getting into the class through unconventional means, his lack of skill at the beginning, his spending the entire first year tinkering around with the programs and camera, thus directionless (though really, who knew what they were doing? It was just a matter of what the photography teacher deemed acceptable to her standards)—and it made it all that much harder for him in a class where everything as frighteningly new to him.

Today, he was not working on actively taking any pictures; rather, he had chosen to take his seat at the computers to look at the pictures he’d taken over the weekend and see what sort of collage he could make with them. Maybe he would need to find more stock pictures to get exactly what he imagined in his head—perhaps Roman colosseums and golden butterflies? Hm…

Teddy propped his elbow on the table and leaned his chin on his palm, puttering around with a few tools on Photoshop.

“—ddy? Teddy Lupin?”

He jumped and flickered his gaze around for the source of his name, and then sheepishly met the eyes of Mrs. Lawrence—or Lawrence, as everyone called her—who was staring at him curiously.

“Today, it’s your turn to see where you are in terms of building your portfolio,” she explained.

He blinked. “Oh, right…” He quickly opened the folder of his flash drive that held most of his pieces and noted proudly the variety. From nearly all the upper level students, he had heard that it was good to experiment and build up a repertoire of skills, rather than focus on one thing and freak out about how limited your options were when trying to fulfill the mark scheme.

“So, how many pieces do you have, Teddy?” she questioned, a note of judging in her tone as she was so known for.

“About sixteen,” Teddy answered evenly, used to her usual personality, which was—pardon his French—bullshit.

Lawrence hummed, and then perused through his photos, looking at the candids and then the more heavily edited ones.

Pausing at one of the more experimental pieces, she swept critically over it. “This one is… hm. It’s lacking quality from the others—and you saturated the model’s skin tone too much. The placement of the objects is chaotic, and there’s too much negative space. What exactly were you thinking?” She turned her stare to him, expectant.

Teddy’s cheeks warmed instinctively, but luckily his voice stayed even, and quietly explained his thought process.

Lawrence’s eyebrows raised to her hairline. “That’s quite eclectic—I’m not sure there are too many photographers that think like that. I’ve noticed that you don’t have much control over your photos; the angles are shaky at best, detrimental at worst. And most of your heavily edited pictures—well, they’re nice, I guess, but it’s manufactured and amateurish. It’s just not what the graders are looking for, and that _will _ruin your grade.”

Teddy paled, and looked at his lap, playing with his hands. Pursing his lips, he wondered whether this was normal at all. He’d never been in an art class before, so he wasn’t sure if art teachers were supposed to be this critical. He was under the impression that art was an expansive subject that was supposed to _open _and _accepting_, but it seemed that wasn’t the case. Or maybe it was just him who couldn’t handle it. It was him.

“You have some work to do, clearly,” Lawrence concluded with a sigh, and then she left. As she was walking away, he heard her mutter lowly to herself, “And he wants to be a photographer? Jesus.”

Teddy willed himself not to cry, and then was immensely grateful that no one was too close to him to see how badly he was reacting to Lawrence’s criticism. It wasn’t even that bad—others in fact did get it worse. He remembered how Lawrence made a girl cry in front of the class because the teacher thought her art was that bad. She had since apologized for that incident though.

The worst part about all of this was that he couldn’t even fight back at all, prove her wrong. If he was a photographer—a title which he thought wasn’t for him—he was an amateur, and most of the time it didn’t feel like he was cut out for it.

Taking pictures and playing around with them was fun, but in the end, it more felt like he was in a ball pen rather than the professional he was supposed to be.

Why was he taking photography anyways? He forgot. What exactly had he found when he first took it up? What was so interesting, so alluring?

Maybe if he continued his hobby, he’d find his way back to his original purpose. Hopefully.

Wiping away any remnants of tears, he went back to what he was doing before, even if it was particularly hard to get back into the groove he was in before.

—

You know—Teddy was pretty sure that Vega had recommended this manga about a year back. A whole year.

He was bad at keeping promises, huh? Though he didn’t really promise her anything, he still felt sort of guilty, since she’d specifically asked for him to check it out.

Now that he’d started reading it, he regretted waiting as long as he did; he didn’t even have a proper excuse, as it was fully updated and translated online.

Noragami was a _phenomenal _manga, it had to be said.

When he had first seen the first page, he was immediately taken by the art. It was just so… breathtaking. It was clearly stylized art, but it somehow still managed to capture the nuances of expression and emotion. Teddy supposed that was exactly that was what added to the emotional impact of the narrative, and the narrative was already profound on its own.

Being completely honest, Teddy had no idea why Noragami affected him the way he did, but he felt incredibly sympathetic for the main character, Yato. He kind of loved the manga so much that he nearly finished the entirety of what was translated in two days, homework completely forgotten.

The story, first of all, was about a human girl, Hiyori, that had accidentally gotten caught up with the stray god, Yato, after she lost… her connection to her soul? That one was a hard one to explain, honestly, and he didn’t understand a lot about Japanese culture and religion, but the story told you enough to keep up with it.

Teddy’s first impression of Yato was that he was kind of sleazy and lazy and had no sense of _work ethic_. It grated on him for the first few chapters, but he slowly came to realize that he wasn’t as bad as the first few chapters made him out to be; the story reiterated this idea many times. Yato’s behavior was certainly something to look out for and consider, though.

He thought it was increasingly peculiar—Yato’s behavior that was—just in that it wasn’t what normal, _functioning_, people would do. For one, Yato disappeared, often for months at a time, and it happened frequently. On these random and uncalled for excursions, Yato often went back to his father, someone the fandom either meanly or lovingly called ‘trash dad.’ Yato’s father, named Fujisaki, wasn’t that great of a person even if he did hide behind a joking exterior, so it was probably the former.

The thing was Fujisaki played games, not playful or teasing in the slightest. Teddy was empathetic for Yato, as he often disappeared _because _of his father, wanting to win his approval, though the story was insistent on the fact Fujisaki’s approval would never be consistent nor would it help Yato like the audience wanted it to.

It was a vicious cycle, Teddy had realized suddenly after finishing the last few chapters. Yato would go back to his father for approval, essentially feel like he earned it, feel guilty for not being the son he was supposed to be, then listen to his father’s every whim because of this. After that, when Yato eventually did something wrong that even he wasn’t aware was wrong, his father beat down _hard_ on him, though not physically. Most of the time it came in the form of trying to isolate Yato, keep him away from Hiyori, Daikoku, Kofuku, Yukine, and Kazuma, who were part of his closest family.

Then there was the fact of Yato’s older sister, Nora. She was also a little different too, and that was exactly that made her a villain in the fandom’s eyes, but in the end, all Teddy scrounged up for her was sympathy.

It was that very cycle that he had described previously that seemed to make Nora this way, except her need for approval was to a level so high that she’d risk antagonizing Yato, her own brother, for it—sometimes, not even at her own _will—_all while defending her father’s horrible actions against both her and Yato. Her actions were still despicable, but Teddy hoped that there was a chance at redemption for her. She was indeed a compelling character, and he wanted her to be held accountable for her actions, but also become a better person for it.

Similar to Yato, though he still struggled with his low self-esteem. He had a variety of talents, and Yato believed he was good for nothing, that he’d never be able to change as a person, and that he was a genuinely _bad _person. He was far from it.

In the end, Teddy concluded somewhat resignedly that he was unexpectedly relating to Nora and Yato, because understood their plights and struggles, though he didn’t quite think that he was quite as good as Yato, or as bad as Nora, though.

Fujisaki kind of reminded him of his Gran, though that gave little to no explanation about why he related with Yato and Nora though. His Gran wasn’t nearly as bad as the father, as she never implemented the cycle, but some aspects of Fujisaki were apparent within her.

Teddy wasn’t sure of what exactly to do with this information. It wasn’t the groundbreaking stuff of the century—merely some observations he had made as he read.

Still. All this information swirling inside his head with exactly zero use for it made him sad; after all, he’d spent this much time dissecting something that didn’t really have a higher purpose? That seemed like an unproductive use of his time.

But true to his nature, there was no other way he’d rather spend his time (or rather, give that time up to do homework of all things), and so, he pulled up Google and tried to do some more research. He wanted to know if his observations fit into the story at all, or whether he was reading too much into things.

So, where to start?

Drumming his fingers on the keyboard, he brainstormed what he could search up, and then settled on ‘central themes of Noragami’.

As he scrolled down the first page, he became somewhat dismayed as he only saw links to backgrounds people could use, or the theme songs of the anime itself. He’d have to check the anime out later.

Just as he was about exit out of his tab, he’d wondered, perhaps it would be beneficial to venture out into where no one has before.

The second page of the Google search results.

Very adventurous, much bravery.

Teddy smiled to himself at his own joke, and scrolled down once again, this time coming up with more useful results.

He found a Tumblr named ‘Hamliet’ that had perfectly answered the question, but it didn’t really help answer _his_ questions.

Well—that was plainly wrong. Teddy could most certainly see where the importance and challenge of human connection as well as where the dangers of utilitarian relationships came from, but _abuse_?

That one word alone, it was a powerful one, and as far as he was concerned, it shouldn’t be used lightly at all.

In other words, it was a word that didn’t sit right on his tongue.

Maybe for people like Harry, who did deal with an objectively abusive family, and had to wait until _sixteen_ to move out of his home.

Teddy had heard the horror stories (but were they really horror stories, if they were real?), and they were disheartening and saddening to hear.

For a good portion of his life, Harry had lived in a cupboard. A _cupboard_. A grown boy living in a room that was barely even two feet squares of space. Jesus.

And then there was just the fact that his family had often refused him food or just the fact that they also talked about him openly, not in the least bit kind or compassionate.

(Despite the harrowing nature of the circumstances, Harry had told him that he’d learned to be fluent in Mandarin to be petty and spiteful and to talk in a language his family couldn’t understand, and for a brief moment, Teddy had thought that James Potter I and Lily Potter I might’ve been proud. For learning his mother tongue, but mostly because of the spite. Definitely the spite.)

Shaking his head, he sighed, and redirected his attention to the matter at hand.

Teddy went back to Google, and his fingers hovered over the keys.

Was the answer something he really wanted to know? This should be insignificant—after all, it was just a story that had struck him quite hard, but it really shouldn’t be such a big deal.

_Don’t think about it_, he resolved, and then keyed in ‘abuse in Noragami’.

The first link was of yet _another_ Tumblr, this time by the name of ‘echodrops’. He hovered over the link named ‘A lot of thoughts on Yato and Father’, and he wondered if he should go there. Teddy didn’t know why it meant so much to him, but he felt terrified to open it.

He steeled his resolve again and clicked the link.

Teddy read it at record pace, often having to go back to read sentences repeatedly. When he finally reached the end, he wasn’t sure what to say. This analysis could be completely wrong, but it was too hard to ignore the evidence or his own observations.

Emotional abuse? That was what it was?

Now it felt too accusatory to compare Gran to Fujisaki because she wasn’t like that. She didn’t emotionally abuse him. Right? That label didn’t fit his Gran at all. He also didn’t like the fact that child abuse was the most under-reported but most common crimes, especially if they were boys. It wasn’t just that it was a disheartening fact to contend with, but also that he seemed to fit the statistic. Teddy hated that. He didn’t want to be a statistic. Nor did he want to be a part of it.

Teddy shouldn’t jump to conclusions so fast; it never did any good to anybody, especially him. He opened another tab and typed in ‘emotional abuse’ and clicked the first link he saw.

What were the symptoms? The signs? That was what he wanted to know.

Scrolling down the article, he slowly read the behaviors. There was withholding of affection. Did his Gran ever do that? Could it be called withholding when the person was never that comfortable with giving out hugs or kisses in the first place? Probably not.

His Gran never isolated him either. Though she might be reluctant to let him out with his friends, she always let him go. It was just the fact that he didn’t really have anyone or anywhere to go with these days. And that his Gran didn’t have a say about what he did anymore.

Teddy continued to peruse the article, mentally checking off what his Gran did and didn’t do. Most of the time, she didn’t exhibit those behaviors often. Only once in a blue moon, and otherwise, she was pretty okay. Absent, most of the time, but it was better than any of the actions written down here.

He wasn’t a victim. His Gran was just not in great shape after losing her son-in-law, husband, and daughter. Amongst all that she was dealing with early onset Alzheimer’s too. That was a good excuse, right? _Right_?

When could it be truly called emotional abuse anyways? When there was one symptom but not the other did it count? When it only happens in tiny spurts, did it count? When it shows up only once every five years, but the rest was good, did it count?

Teddy didn’t know the answer. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to know the answer.

Tiredly, he closed his laptop shut, and set it beside him.

He took out his phone, staring blankly at the screen, wondering for a moment why he brought it out. After a few moments of racking his brain, he gave up. But now that he had it out, maybe it would be a good idea to call Vega. She was the one who recommended Noragami to him, and he had made her wait long enough.

Punching in her number, he brought the phone up to his ear, humming as he waited Vega to pick up.

“Hello?”

Teddy brightened the slightest at hearing her voice. “Vega, hi.”

“Teddy,” Vega said, trailing off. For the most part, she sounded delighted.

“So, I finally read Noragami,” Teddy began. He wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted to talk about, but there were a few choice things that he wanted to mention.

“…It’s been _seven_ months! Goddamn, bitch. Glad you got around to it eventually though. It’s one of my favorite animes and mangas, as you know. What do you like about it?”

Teddy hesitated to answer that question, pausing for a moment. What did he answer to that? Because despite how he felt about what he learned about emotional abuse, it was the part of the narrative that was exceptionally well done. But if he told Vega that, what would she think? Would she think he was weird for finding that? Would she wonder about how he recognized the signs before he even knew what it was? Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell her about his discoveries.

So, he went with, “I really liked Hiyori. I haven’t read a lot of mangas, but I thought her plain character made her stand out from most main characters.”

“Ah,” Vega said. “She’s one of my top five characters. I personally really loved Yukine. I didn’t really like him at first, but I really liked how much he changed, and how he continues to be a good person. Kind of gives me hope for myself.” She laughed, and there seemed to be a tone of self-deprecation there.

Teddy laughed too, agreeing. “Anyways, I’m sorry for calling on a whim like that, I just finished reading all the uploaded chapters today, and I got really excited. Am I interrupting anything?”

There was a shifting sound from the other end. “No, no you aren’t.”

Teddy didn’t reply straining his ears to hear anything from Vega’s side. He heard a vague voice innocently questioning who she was talking to, and it vaguely sounded like… August?

At that, Teddy laughed breathlessly, surprised. _August_? Of all people? His and Samirah’s wild theory might be _right_?

“I… think you’re lying,” he said finally.

Silence. And then there was a drawn-out sigh. “You caught me.”

“So… who are you with?”

“You heard?”

“Only a little bit.”

“You’re way too observant for your own good.”

“Am I though?”

“Yes, you really are. I’m with August right now.”

Teddy gave the proper reaction, even as his surprise was rapidly being replaced with dread. “Really? Is it a _date_? Are you on a date? Is that what you’re doing?”

“Um...” Vega’s voice suddenly went up an octave. “You’re also way too nosy for your own good.”

“Hey,” Teddy protested, trying to keep a humorous tone. “No, I’m not. I think. I don’t know. Are you on a date?”

“Yes.” Vega’s voice was clearly saturated in hesitance, and Teddy felt bad for keeping her away from August, and for making her uncomfortable. “Well, I guess we’ll talk later. Have fun, enjoy yourself.” As he said that, he sort of wished that Vega would stay on the phone with him, but he knew that August took priority. Like he said, they’d been friends for much longer.

“Okay, thank you.” The relief was obvious. “We’ll talk later, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Teddy replied, waiting a few seconds before ending the call.

He set his phone down next to him as he laid down, curling in on himself.

Odd, he thought, how he had seen the signs that August and Vega liked each other very much, had even been expecting them to get together, but he couldn’t for the life of him expect that he’d feel so… hurt. Was that what this was? Did he really like August that much?

Teddy didn’t even _know_ what he liked about August. He was a nice boy, and he certainly wasn’t bad looking. Did he even have good reasons to like him? It seemed like Vega genuinely liked August for who he was, unlike him. Vega probably had a lot more to offer August than he ever could.

What did he want from August? What could August offer him? And why did the loss of this chance hurt so badly?

There was an infinite supply of questions in his head, but for all that work his brain was doing, it couldn’t even offer a scrap of an answer, or even suggest someone who would possibly _know_ the answer.

A sigh racked his body, and he brushed through his curly hair somewhat violently, messing it up more than it already was.

Teddy didn’t want to think about Vega or August anymore, so he let his mind wander off to more tempting and far better things, thinking about all of the wonderful music he had discovered over the past week in an attempt to cure the boredom that had taken place in his mind (it was because of this that made him want to read Noragami).

Recently he’d gotten himself deep into the world of j-pop, something he discovered due to his recent foray into anime and manga, and that had led to him discover k-pop. It was nice, for a change, to be so deeply interested in something for once. Most of the time, anything he tried to pick up felt like a passing interest; nothing truly seemed to stick with him. Not in the way that both Ginny and Leo were passionate about writing, not in the way that Albus loved taking care of animals, and certainly not in the way that Lily had taken an affinity to art.

Having something to put his energy into sort of alleviated the urge to always be rocking back forth, bouncing his leg, and pacing. Only sometimes though.

Either way—Teddy really liked k-pop. He was part Korean, and his only source of culture happened to be through music, food, and only very rarely, Fleur. The latter option didn’t happen often though, as he didn’t bother to drop by. It felt a little awkward, to visit someone he barely knew. Did she even remember him? It was unlikely, which was why k-pop was so great.

Teddy especially appreciated the groups that debuted this year. It was odd in that he looked somewhat like the member of a group that he had taken the most liking to. Maybe that person will do great things, and that made Teddy smile the slightest. In fact, maybe the whole group will.

And he could say that he was there through it all—how nice would that be? Teddy didn’t know if they would make it, but hopefully he’d be there when they did.

Teddy laughed to himself, absentmindedly twirling his phone in his hand. Would he make it to eighteen? Hell, even sixteen?

Well, he made it to fifteen, so perhaps he should give himself more credit than he granted himself.

The seat next to him shifted, and he glanced to see it was Ginny, who smiled at him. How could she smile like that so often? Was it possible for her to be unhappy? Was she just perpetually happy?

“Hello, Teddy,” Ginny began, cradling a cup of tea in her hands. Teddy scrunched his nose as the scent of birthday cake wafted to him. He hated that flavor. “You doing good?”

“Huh? I guess.”

“You guess? You don’t sound so sure of yourself.”

Teddy didn’t know how to reply to that. How could Ginny read him so well? It irritated him. He didn’t really want to bother Ginny about his own petty and insignificant problems. They hardly were of concern to her, so why would she care?

But… Ginny did happen to know about August from when she picked him up from the studio the first time he went. Even if she couldn’t help, she knew enough about the situation to understand what he was talking about. He couldn’t talk to Vega or August about it, clearly, and Samirah was not available.

Ginny spoke up again, this time softer. “Are you okay?”

Teddy stared off, looking blankly at the wall. “I just found out something that I didn’t really want to know. And um… you know about August?”

Her expression was contemplative, nodding to herself slightly. “I remember him, yeah. You like him, don’t you?”

“Yes.” Teddy turned his head to see Ginny better to gauge her reaction. He knew that Ginny would be supportive of him, as would Harry, but it still scared him a little.

It wouldn’t be first time he had been called gay as an insult.

Unsurprisingly, Ginny didn’t look disappointed at all, and a weight lifted off from his chest.

“Okay, then what happened? Was he being a dick? Because I promise that I’ll kick his ass for you.”

That drew an unwilling laugh from him his lips. “No, no, it was just circumstance, I guess. Earlier this year, I met Vega and then soon after I met August. Uh… They were friends way before I met either of them, and it was obvious Vega liked him from the beginning so I guess it was doomed from the start and I’m hurt about it and I don’t know why because I want to be happy for her I really _really_ do. It’s really… nothing.”

Ginny raised her eyebrows, but it didn’t seem judgmental to him. Then she laughed a little, and he didn’t know what to think about that. “It sounds like something to me. I’m sorry that you feel that way, but in my experience feelings like that usually go away.”

“That’s reassuring.”

“I’m sorry that I can’t give you anything better than that, but if you ever feel like talking about it, I’m here to listen.” Ginny paused, contemplating something. “Oh god, um, I feel like I’m supposed to be an expert on romance but in truth, I really don’t know how I managed to marry Harry really—”

Teddy nodded as she rambled, more than happy to just listen. He sat himself up, trying to get more appropriately comfortable. Leaning back, he smiled slightly as Ginny talked about anything and everything.


	13. Where Are You? I Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fact that this tiny little café brought him so much worry despite not having been in it even once might have been a laughable matter to him if he didn’t feel so uncomfortable right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, university has taken over my life, and I'm dead inside. Last week I took like three exams in two days, two of which took place at 8:30 at night. So, uh, yeah. Anyways, this chapter is chapter is my last fully written chapter, so updates will be slower. Well, slower than they already are, I guess. Enjoy!
> 
> Warnings: Descriptions of low self-esteem and depression. 
> 
> This takes place around February - March of 2014.

The fact that this tiny little café brought him so much worry despite not having been in it even once might have been a laughable matter to him if he didn’t feel so uncomfortable right now.

Peggy’s—the name of the café—was the Greek mythology themed café that Leo was going to bring him to on his birthday. Technically, there was nothing to truly remind him of Leo, but that did not stop him from thinking about him, nor did it stop the feelings of loneliness.

Teddy chuckled to himself, barely hearable.

Lonely. That word should not have been applicable to the situation at hand, but it was.

Looking across from him, Vega and August were talking to each other animatedly about their families, relaying stories about dumb things that their siblings had done.

Vega looked truly happy, eyes twinkling brightly, and August on the other hand had a fond look about him. It might have just been the honeymoon phase that they were in, but they seemed to be happy with each other.

Teddy would have been happy for them too if he weren’t here. He wasn’t really sure why he was here in the first place; Vega invited him to the café to check it out as they didn’t get to go the last time they met up—which he felt guilty for but that hadn’t stopped him from protesting—but then she also invited August. He would’ve been fine with it if he had been told beforehand, although, it was still up in the air whether his permission would have expelled his feelings of loneliness.

Vega and August were both his friends and he technically should’ve felt included, but they both got along better with each other than they did with him, which seemed to be a selfish thing to be jealous about. He wasn’t at the center of most things, and he certainly couldn’t control how well people got along.

Teddy sighed, getting out his phone, opting to scroll through one of the books he had saved.

A few minutes into his reading, he was interrupted by August’s teasing voice, “Are we boring you?”

Teddy blushed, the realization that he was being incredibly rude dawning on him. “Um…”

“No, it’s fine, you don’t have to answer that,” August continued. “We tend to get lost in our own world sometimes,” he laughed. “So, how’s school? Get hit with any volleyballs lately?”

Teddy giggled while Vega made a series of various protesting noises.,

“We aren’t even in P.E. anymore, asshat,” Vega finally got out. “And that was only a onetime thing.”

“Clearly,” August replied, the amusement in his voice obvious.

“I’m doing okay in school, by the way,” Teddy interjected before they could go off into their own world again. “I started my photography class.”

“Right, yeah I remember you mentioning that. How is it?”

“Teddy shrugged despondently. “Alright, I guess. The teacher could stand to be a little less critical, but I’m learning a lot.”

“Good,” Vega said delightedly. “Aren’t you glad that you didn’t drop the class?”

“Yeah.” Teddy didn’t know how else to add to the conversation.

August raised an eyebrow. “Why would you want to drop the class?”

As much as Teddy liked August, he didn’t really feel comfortable sharing about what happened over the course of the summer. Not that he believed that he’d react badly, but people have been known to disappoint him many a time. So he made a vague gesture that hopefully conveyed his feelings.

The boy opposite him, nodded, clicking his tongue. “Alright, fair enough. School for me has been hectic. I made the entirely regretful decision of taking AS physics and…” He sucked in air through his teeth, his disdain for the class evident. “Lord, Barrera is a great teacher, but the class is just so fucking hard. The workload isn’t bad, but it feels like you’ve got so much going on because the problems you have to solve take. _So. Damn. Long._”

Vega brightened, going off into tangent about the chemistry class that she herself was taking this year, and once again, they were off in their own world, and Teddy was left to his own devices.

Maybe it was time to take the hint and leave them alone.

Taking out his phone discreetly, he texted Ginny to pick him up, with the excuse that he didn’t feel like being out today. Which wasn’t a lie. He might’ve been happy to be out with friends as it was infinitely better than rotting away in his room, but Peggy’s was starting to bear a heavy weight on him.

Lucky for him, Ginny texted him back affirmatively, not really asking any questions, of which he was grateful for.

Sure, Peggy’s was actually close to the Potter’s home, but he personally felt like he could use some company walking home when it was getting dark outside.

“Hey,” Teddy cut in softly. Once he got their attention, he explained, “I think I’m going to go home, I’m feeling sort of tired…”

“Tired?” Vega frowned. “You’ve only been with us for an hour though.”

“The downsides of being an introvert,” Teddy joked lightly to her. “If social interaction isn’t counted as exercise, I’m suing.”

Vega laughed. “Fair. We’ll have to meet up again.”

_And hopefully you won’t spring August and make me a third wheel again_, Teddy thought to himself bitterly. But he didn’t say that, instead opting to say, still keeping the light tone, “You’re going to make me go out again?”

His phone made a pinging noise, and he saw that it was Ginny saying that she was here.

“Sorry, my mom’s—Ginny. Ginny is here.” Teddy got up and pushed his chair in, smiling, hoping they didn’t notice his slip up.

Vega blinked. “Oh, okay, bye, see you later? I’m still holding you to us meeting up again soon, by the way.”

His smile became a little less genuine, but he bid her goodbye with a small wave and walked outside to see Ginny waiting for him outside.

Catching sight of him, she grinned. “Teddy, it’s nice to see you again. Not that you were gone for long, are you okay?”

He exhaled through his nose. “Vega invited August, and well, it felt like I was third wheeling for the whole hour. I don’t really want to be where I’m not wanted.”

“I’m sure they didn’t mean to do it,” Ginny assured him. “Sometimes I do it with Harry sometimes, and I don’t even realize that I’m doing it.”

“Oh,” Teddy said. “I don’t know. The café is also a bit of a sore spot for me too and…”

“Hm, well, I’m not sure that there’s much I can do about the café, but there’s a pretty simple solution to your problem with Vega and August.”

Teddy brightened, eager to hear it. He’d love to be able to feel included again, and he’d do anything for it. “Yeah? What is it?”

“Communication,” she said simply. “It can’t fix every problem there is in a relationship, but I’d say it’s pretty damn good way to start.”

…And that was literally the one thing that he was incapable of doing. But he still admitted, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“Most of the time I am,” Ginny told him proudly, nudging him in the shoulder. “Now… I’m just curious, and it’s completely okay if you don’t want to answer, but is there a reason you don’t like the café? To my knowledge, it’s fairly harmless.”

It was at that moment that he realized that he never told Ginny or Harry about what happened on his fifteenth birthday. For the most part, all they had seen was that he’d freaked out by something he’d seen on TV, and they took him home to be with his Gran.

God, it all seemed like it was an eternity ago, and he didn’t know if he wanted to tell her. But then again, if there’s anyone who would know loss, it would be her and Harry, as she’d lost Fred, and Harry had lost his parents.

“Um,” he began. “I, uh.” Teddy paused, gathering his thoughts. “Do you remember my birthday this year, when you had to take me home?”

Ginny became serious, and she nodded.

“Well, you know how my friend was supposed to come over that day and take me to Peggy’s except…” Teddy’s eyes began to water and his voice became weak. He could just imagine Ginny’s surprise at his abrupt change in mood.

“Wait, wait…” she murmured, and then walked up to the front door, unlocking it. She pushed Teddy in gently, and guiding him to the sofa after they both took their shoes off.

“What happened?” she questioned softly, taking his hand in hers, rubbing her thumb on top. He assumed that it was meant to be a comforting gesture, but in the moment, all he wanted to do was rip his hand away and snap at her to keep away.

With a shaky breath, he continued his explanation. “Um, he never made it to the house, I assume.”

Ginny didn’t answer, a thoughtful look on her face. Then she confirmed his statement.

“Well, it was because…” Teddy didn’t know what the hell to say and it was annoying him. He wanted to be able to tell her, but words were failing him in this moment. “You know how I freaked out?”

She nodded again, and Teddy was immensely grateful for her patience. “It was because I saw on the TV that he’d, well, died. In a car crash.” The moment he finished that sentence, he looked away immediately, unable to keep proper eye contact. The silence that followed was deafening, actually.

Oh my god, was Ginny going to call him a liar? He swore he wasn’t delusional or making things up, he’d felt Leo’s absence and felt acutely the hole that was left in his heart.

“I’m sorry,” Ginny began, voice barely a whisper, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

Facing her with blurry eyes and a vague glare, he replied, “Neither did I, at the time.”

Ginny sighed, leaning back on the sofa. “I’m truly sorry for not putting two and two together. I noticed that you were a little sad, but not much to worry about. We both tried to make you feel better, Harry, I mean, but… I thought it was because of your grandmother being hospitalized.”

Teddy only barely managed to hide his surprise. She noticed that he was sad? His Gran rarely noticed a thing, and the only times he had let slip his true emotions was when it was dealing with matters of Leo, or he fought with her. Otherwise, things were pretty quiet in the Black household. “I didn’t tell you anything, you couldn’t have known.”

Ginny let out a controlled sigh, and then was quiet for a moment. “I’m still sorry. And listen, while I know the whole losing someone close to me thing, I don’t know how much I can help you recover from the loss. I think it would be a good idea to think of talking to a psychiatrist? Or therapist?” There was a thoughtful look on her face. She shook herself out of her thoughts. “Anyways. What do you think? I know it’s a lot to process right now, but I still want it to be your choice.”

Teddy didn’t know what to say then. He was sure he looked shocked, but her response was completely different from what he was expecting. Truth be told, he didn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that. It saddened to him to realize that he’d never received such a… considerate answer.

Regardless, he still didn’t know how he felt about the whole go to a therapist thing. Weren’t therapists for people who had trauma, depression, or anxiety, or hell, had even come out of abusive families like Harry had?

They weren’t for him. He wasn’t any of those things. A thought about the Tumblr post he had read made its way to the surface, and his conviction only strengthened.

“I don’t think I want to,” Teddy answered, but for moment he couldn’t hide his doubt, and Ginny took notice. At this, she explained, “Therapists are for everyone, Teddy. They’re meant to help everybody. It’s okay if you go, it’s not shameful at all.”

He didn’t answer, unsure of where to go. Even if she was right… “Can I think about it? I don’t know yet.”

“Yes, of course,” Ginny agreed. “Take your time.”

Teddy let out a relieved sigh. He wouldn’t have known what to do if she pushed the matter even further.

“Just in case, do you want this to stay between us? I think Harry would want to know,” she told him.

Teddy thought about her question. He trusted Harry enough by extension of his trust in Ginny. He wouldn’t mind, especially since it meant he didn’t have to go through this whole situation again. This was already so draining for him. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

Ginny nodded, and he went to change into more comfortable clothes for home, falling easily into his bed.

—

Teddy crossed his arms, a deep frown on his lips. He stared on at his laptop screen, supremely unsatisfied with his photos. Earlier that day, he had taken a walk around the neighborhood, snapshotting everything he considered pretty, which was quite a lot.

He didn’t know whether he was just off his roll, or whether his skills had always been this shoddy.

The angle was too shaky, and it was clear that he didn’t know what he was doing.

Could he ever do anything right? Dear God.

Teddy was trying to submit an entry for the contest that Lawrence wanted everyone in her class to enter. Originally, he was actually really excited to make his entry, as the theme was surrealism, but at this rate, all he honestly had to do was take one picture and he’d probably meet the requirements. His photos were so bad that they could pass for surrealism.

And that genuinely disappointed him. He had been going at this photography thing for a while now, trying out new styles and experimenting with filters and angles. At this, one would think that you’d improve your talent by doing that, but instead he found that he didn’t know how to do much of anything and his style came off as confused, as if he couldn’t find a niche he wanted to stay a part of.

If he couldn’t even do this…

Maybe he should drop the class. It was something he’d been thinking about anyways, and he’d been only partaking in the hobby for long enough that he didn’t feel too attached to it. (Hopefully this wasn’t just him lying to himself. It was so routine for him that it had become almost normal for him—there were only so few things that he could be truthful to himself about these days, and sometimes he couldn’t tell the difference between a truth and a lie.)

Teddy looked at the photo again, thinking of his options. It wasn’t too unsalvageable, was it? There should at least be a few elements to this picture that were at least useable. Right?

He analyzed the photo once more, eyes flitting around to different points, trying to find something useful.

For a moment, his attention was lost on the screen, and he wasn’t thinking about anything else going around, which was why he didn’t notice the door to his room opening the slightest.

“Teddy?” Harry’s soft voice asked.

Teddy jumped nearly three feet high and instinctively shut his laptop, almost to the point his laptop started sleeping. What the hell was that reaction? Now Harry might suspect that he was doing or watching something bad on his laptop, when in fact, he wasn’t.

“Oh, er, hello,” he greeted, voice a little raspy from disuse. “Is there something you want?”

“Mind if I come in? Sorry for not knocking.” Harry gave him a sheepish smile.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Teddy replied, closing his laptop all the way, setting it aside next to him.

“It James’ birthday today,” he began. “I don’t know if you know, but if you’re up to it, we’re baking a cake downstairs, so...”

“Oh,” Teddy said, surprised. Did the rest of those four months really pass by that quickly? He hardly remembered what happened the past few months, and the days had blurred into nothingness by way of a routine that he rinsed and repeated. Frankly, he just didn’t know what else to do. While it helped him in keeping him alive in the most minimal sense of the term, it also tended to make time pass in both extremes. Glacially slow or faster than light years. “Well… that’s good to hear. When are we celebrating?”

“Later today. I would have told you sooner, but I could never catch you at a good time,” Harry told him, an odd look on his face. “Which… I don’t really know why, since you live here. But what’s there to do about it?” He shrugged. “Are you good with that?”

“I don’t think I have much choice,” Teddy replied, a half-smile forming on his face. “What am I going to do, disappear into the void?”

Harry laughed, and shook his head. “No, but I mean, we can try to make you more comfortable. There’s always a choice.”

Teddy nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’m fine to come down.”

Harry patted his thigh, an action that had Teddy glancing down at his leg. “That’s good to hear. Freshen up a little, maybe?”

He blinked. “Yeah, yeah okay.”

Harry nodded, and left his room, closing the door behind him.

Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, he stood up, stretching his limbs. It felt like he hadn’t walked for a good twelve hours, which honestly wouldn’t be a wrong assessment.

Yawning, he made his way downstairs. The Potter family seemed more active than he had seen in a while.

Ginny was at her usual spot at the dining table, presumably working on another article, shaking her leg. Guiltily, he looked away, remembering that he still hadn’t given a solid answer about the offer of a therapist she made the other day.

Instead, Teddy opted to walk into the kitchen and saw a flurry of flour, Harry, and Albus. He almost went into a coughing fit, but managed to keep it together. He looked off to the side and saw that Lily was having a right time making a mess of the glitter pack she had..

“Hello,” Teddy greeted Albus, who hugged him, which he returned with an awkward arm thrown around Al’s shoulders. “What are you doing?”

Harry was about to answer him, but Albus immediately went off on a ramble. “We’re making a cake for Jamie! I was thinking that we could make a chocolate cake and I really wanted to put strawberries in the middle, but Papa said no because it might be too messy and too hard to make, so we’re doing this now.”

Teddy looked at Harry, who seemed flabbergasted. Then he opened his mouth to say, “What he just said.”

“I… see.” Surveying the kitchen, he felt an urge to clean this mess up. God, it was just so messy, but he knew that they were far from finishing. “Can I help with anything?”

“I think you can help Albus to mix the batter,” Harry told him appraisingly, gaze on his son who was currently struggling to properly mix the batter with the whisk. It was definitely because of his noodle arms. Teddy honestly wasn’t much better in that area, but he was a little older with a bit more stamina.

“Mind if I?” he asked, holding his hands out invitingly. After a few more seconds of struggling on Albus’ part, he finally gave the bowl and whisk to him.

When he had finished, Albus was looking down, seemingly satisfied. “Now we put it in the spring pans! Springy pans?”

“Spring form _pans_? Are you making a layer cake?”

Albus brightened. “Yeah! Cake is Jamie’s favorite, and he’s coming home later today from his friend’s house so I thought we should make this. I hope he likes it,” he said wonderingly as he watched the batter pour into the pans.

Honestly, Albus was the sweetest kid that Teddy had ever met. Would most kids bother to do this for their siblings? He didn’t know.

Had he ever done something like that for his Gran? Just something to make his appreciation known for her?

Sighing, he stopped that train of thought where it was. He would only make himself go into a spiral of self-hate, and he didn’t want to put himself in a bad mood on the day that the Potter family was so happy.

Oh, only for their sake.

Teddy focused back on making the cake, and the hours muddling together as he meticulously made the cake. In the end, the cake was made and frosted, strawberries adorning the top.

Long later, as he was admiring the cake, the doorbell echoed throughout the home, and the result was chaos as Ginny went up to open the door, Albus and Lily following close behind. He noticed Harry watching them all fondly, and Teddy started to begin to feel like that he was the extra element they didn’t need in this family. Teddy may be considered a permanent part of the family, but it was like there wasn’t any place he fit snugly. His parents weren’t around long enough for them to become a coherent unit, his Gran never wanted to try, Vega, August, and Samirah surely took him in out of pity, and his one friend that he actually did feel like he belonged with, well…

Crossing his arms, he watched on as James excitedly hugged Harry and Ginny, thanking his family for the cake. Teddy stood off to the side, but he was surprised to find James coming to him as well, arms held out.

He hugged him back.

The rest of the night went similar to when he made the cake; everything blurred past him, too in his own thoughts to pay much attention to the things around him, though he did notice how delighted James looked at the card Lily made for him, and the cake Albus worked so diligently on.

They all pulled together in the living room for cake, and Teddy absentmindedly took a slice, eating for the sake of being polite.

The conversation flowed easily between the Potters, while he pretty much stayed quiet, never finding a good moment to input his own thoughts. Sure, he could have shoehorned himself into the conversation, but any thought he had to add wasn’t important enough to ruin the atmosphere that was going on here. So he contented himself with listening to everyone else, learning extraneous details about James to store away for later.

—

On most days, Teddy could reasonably get up and brush his teeth and go to school—or on weekends, be able to get up and finish his homework. It may take a little convincing to entice him to see the day, perhaps by coaxing himself that by the end of the day, he would get to try the new cake the bakery near the Potter’s home had introduced, or be able to take the nap that he’d so been craving since he woke up (though, let’s be real, he took that nap regardless of whether he had to convince himself to get up that morning), or even by saving that YouTube video he’d been looking forward to.

Today, though. Today, nothing seemed to be working, and he had an inkling of an idea that it had something to do with the fact that he just did not want to deal with anything today.

Even the small interaction he’d had with Ginny in the morning—about her gentle request of getting up for breakfast—wanted to make him scream. The smallest iota of social interaction almost had him rip his hair out.

Teddy had tried to answer her as politely as possible, telling her that he wanted to sleep some more, but it came out more angry and irritated than he wanted. Yes, he was indeed both of those things, but it was never his intention to take it out on anybody. He apologized as quickly as he could, and Ginny had raised an eyebrow and told him that it was fine.

The raised eyebrow told him that unexplained anger wouldn’t too tolerated by her, but it was so relieving to realize that she had some understanding of what was going on, and he was grateful that he didn’t have to explain himself too much. Teddy wouldn’t have even known how to explain himself.

He spent most of the morning reading more manga and watching anime, placing the laptop atop his chest, too lazy to sit up like he wanted to. Sometimes, he switched between watching anime and reading manga, and to make it more confusing, he sometimes switched between what animes and mangas he watched and read.

Nothing was interesting him like he wanted it to. He was doing this as a distraction, but he wasn’t getting a distraction. It was killing him that he couldn’t take his mind off of, well, _everything_.

One time, from Samirah, he heard this feeling described as there being a gaping wound in your body that felt like it would never heal, and would instead rot, or like a gaping black hole in her heart.

For her, those analogies probably held true. For him, it was on a smaller scale. Maybe like multiple nicks on his body that were irritated occasionally, or a smaller black hole in his heart that on most days was unnoticeable but on random occasion decided to work doubly hard to steal the air from his lungs.

Teddy didn’t know what to do. His energy was drained for him to do anything, but he didn’t want stay like this all day, struggling to find an answer as to why he was feeling this way.

Did anyone else feel this way? He wanted to think this was normal, but at the same time, it felt like no one would understand what the hell was going on with him, not even Samirah.

Getting tired of all these thoughts that were looping into either infinity or nothing, he shoved off his blankets with more force than he intended.

Walking to the bathroom, he brushed his teeth and took a shower with the same sort of force he’d ripped off his blankets. After dressing himself in a comfy oversized t-shirt and sweatpants, he walked down the stairs with his phone and headphones to at least get something in his stomach. Anything with substance made him almost heave, so he settled for a large mug of coffee that would hopefully keep him awake and energized for the five hours of the day that was left. Or maybe twelve hours of the day, if he suddenly decided that he wanted to stay up until four a.m. to read fanfiction or something.

In recent days, he’d decided the latter. It did not do him great wonders for when he had to get ready for school the next morning.

He sat down at the dining table sipping away at his large cup of coffee, putting his earphones in to listen to more music.

A few more minutes later, he was joined by Harry, and shortly after him, Ginny.

Suspiciously, his gaze flitted between the three of them. Maybe their being here was a coincidence, but why did it feel like there was going to be an intervention of some sort for him?

He continued to drink his coffee and blast the music in his ears, but he was starting to feel a little tense. Finally, he decided to greet them all and break the ice with a, “Good morning—or afternoon, I guess.” He was still feeling a little empty, but his tolerance for social interaction had gone up a little.

There was a murmur of good afternoons given back to him, and then Harry looked down at his coffee.

“Coffee? We’re a strictly tea family, Teddy.”

Teddy smiled lopsidedly at him whilst taking another large swig of coffee.

Harry shook his head exasperatedly, just as Ginny asked him, “Is that all you’re having for today?”

He shrugged in response. “Not really hungry.”

“Oh, okay…” There was a frown on her lips and brows were furrowed. “Well, are you feeling any better than you did this morning?”

Teddy blinked. “Not by much, but yes.”

Ginny nodded slowly. “Right… Well…” She turned to share a look with Harry. They seemed to have an entire conversation within a simple glance.

“Oh for God’s sake—Teddy,” Harry began with a charming smile that had Teddy even more wary, waiting for them to ask about going to a therapist again. That was the only reason they could be so… nervous, for lack of a better word. “We wanted to ask you about school.”

He choked a little on the coffee. That was _not_ what he was expecting. But also, school wasn’t something he didn’t want to think about now, so either way, it wasn’t a conversation he was looking forward to having.

“Oh… okay, what about?”

“You take your GCSEs in about a month. We wanted to see how you’re going with that, and if you have any ideas of subjects you want to take for college.”

Teddy nodded slowly. They’d asked occasionally about his grades, any sort of tests he’d had, and even offered to help him out where they can. Which was pretty sweet of them, really. His Gran did the same when he lived with her sans offering him help. The Potters, however, generally took his word, which had confused him greatly. His Gran made sure to talk to his teachers.

When she did that, he usually always felt tense and anxious. He never knew what grade would get him yelled at that day, whether it would be a C or a low A.

“Um, well, I’m studying every day. I think I understand most of what’s going on,” Teddy told them earnestly. He wouldn’t get anything below an eighty-five if he could help it. Usually that threshold would be higher, but these were exams that were testing everything he’d learned throughout the year. There were some things he was bound to forget. Hopefully he’ll be able to meet his own goals, or else… he doesn’t know what would happen, but he wanted to be safe, first and foremost.

“That’s good,” Harry praised, smiling. “You don’t have to decide now, but do you have any ideas for A-levels?”

“Um…” Teddy directed his stare to the table. It wasn’t that he didn’t have any idea for what he wanted to take, it was that it was all decided by his Gran, and back then he didn’t really have the energy to fight back. Now he had the complete freedom to do whatever the hell he wanted, and it sort of felt like his body was going into shock, as if his body went from subzero weather to hotter temperatures and everything was numb.

And besides, why were they asking? His Gran never cared, mostly because she had already decided his future, but also just because she never gave a damn about what he thought. Why do they care about what the fuck he does?

“Yeah, I do,” he began again, voice a little quiet. “Physics, Further Maths, Chemistry. And…” Should he add photography on there? Did he want to bother?

Well, actually, what was the harm? “And Photography.”

Harry considered this. “It’s really STEM focused, so do you plan on doing something science related in university…?”

“Yeah. Computer science,” he replied dully.

“You don’t sound too excited about that,” he commented, and Teddy shrugged.

To be quite honest, he doesn’t know anything outside what his Gran had told him. He can’t _see _a life outside of what his Gran has told him. In the past, he’d given a lot of thought about his future, and what he imagined… saddened him. First, he saw himself graduate college, attend a reputable university, get a job. That was it. That was all he saw.

He couldn’t see himself making friends or dating anyone in university, and he barely even saw himself getting a job in the future. It all seemed so pointless to him. Teddy didn’t want to follow the straight and narrow path that his Gran had set out for him, but at the same time, what the fuck does he do if he can’t do that?

Photography was a fun hobby for him, but when he considered it as a career, he felt hopeless. Maybe he couldn’t see himself getting a job with a degree in computer science, but when he thought about photography, he had no chance.

In the end, he was terrified of _not_ having a good home to live and enough money to take care of himself.

God, what would come of his life? It was so worthless to live life when you knew that you wouldn’t be able to make anything of it.

The idea of himself actually being happy in the future was foreign to him as was having a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. Who could ever love him? Or love his body? It was so difficult for him to even love himself.

And if he did even get all of those things—a job, a partner, a livable home—what happens after? How do you live your life knowing that you’ve accomplished everything you possibly could? What did life become after that?

That wasn’t appealing to him either.

Teddy, not for the first time, wished Leo was here. Leo was who he went to when he had a lot on his mind, and Leo did similarly. They told each other everything; they were each other’s person. Teddy’s everything. Vega, August, and Samirah were great friends—and he felt supremely bad for saying this—but they couldn’t compare. At all. He just wasn’t as comfortable talking to them as he was with Leo.

“Teddy?” Harry called for him. “Teddy, is everything alright? You haven’t answered my question…”

“Um,” Teddy said, eyes burning. He scrunched his nose, and tried to keep the headache at the forefront of his mind at bay. “I don’t know. It’s just what I’m thinking about.” That was a lie. Teddy wasn’t sure he was even capable of making his own decisions. “May I go? I’m done with my coffee…” He tilted his mug at them to prove it.

“Stay with us for a bit?” Harry asked. “This is the first time I’ve seen you all day.”

“I’m just really tired,” Teddy replied, forcing an apologetic smile. And it was true. This conversation wasn’t much to begin with, but it had taken the wind out of him.

Harry blinked, a flash of concern appearing. “Are you okay today? I understand what it feels like when you just don’t want to do anything, but this isn’t...”

“Healthy?” Teddy finished for him, a small, bitter laugh leaving his lips unwillingly. “This… this doesn’t happen all that often so it’s okay.” That was another lie. This had been happening for the better part of the last year.

Harry looked dubious. “Okay… sorry for keeping you, then.”

Teddy took it and went back up to his room, catching vaguely the look that all three of them shared. He didn’t care whether they thought something was wrong with him anyways.

He sighed out of relief the moment he stepped foot into his room, but he didn’t feel any more relieved than he wanted to be. It felt like the walls of his room were suffocating him.

Teddy shut the door behind him and promptly slid down to crouch.

What was he doing? Why did he feel this way? This—this seemed like something more than just grieving for Leo, but most of it was his grieving for Leo.

There was just so much he wanted to tell him that he’d never get the chance to. So was he just supposed to keep it all inside until he imploded?

For a few moments, he breathed in and out, becoming unnervingly aware of the heart that was beating in his chest. Then, an inkling of an idea formed in his mind and it was—no. No, he didn’t have to keep it all in his head. Sure, there might be very few people he felt like he could talk about all of this too, but what if he didn’t need to talk? What if he could write it down? He had far too many notebooks than he knew what to do with anyways—this would give them a useful purpose.

There was a small risk of someone reading it, but he was fairly sure that the Potters had some respect for his privacy. At least he didn’t have to worry constantly about his Gran finding the journal like his mother did.

He sprung up and rummaged through his desks, finally finding a notebook and pen, sitting his butt down at his desk, not waiting even a second to think about what he wanted to write.

_Dear Leo, _

_Did you know that ever since you left me, everything has been so grey these days? I know_ _that’s such a cliché but I don’t know how else to say it and my life wasn’t great when you were in it but it was so much better than what it became now. _

_God, that sounds so emo, but I’m not that great with my words. I never was, not like you were. _

_You died on April 1st (and I’d never truly be mean to someone, you especially, but fuck you; I’ll never be able to celebrate my birthday again without thinking about you and remembering you and wishing you were here), and I don’t know what’s going on with me but my life’s taken a sharp left where it was supposed to take a right. _

_My Gran’s in a nursing home and I think she’s going to die, I don’t know when, but she is. I haven’t been thinking about her a lot and I don’t want to because every time I do I just think about how much I’ve failed her, like, all she wanted was a good grandson and I managed to be everything she doesn’t want and I feel so guilty for everything but the worst has to be when I ran away from home. I think people who run away from home are scared of something that’s in their home but I don’t know what the hell I had to be afraid of and it was by far the dumbest thing I could’ve done because when I came home I found Gran unconscious on the kitchen floor and oh God I spend so long thinking about how she was going to be dead and it was going to be all my fault and I would just have to live with that, and I don’t think I’d be able to. _

_I still wish I never invited you to go out on my birthday. Do you realize how much of my life I still would have had with you if you were still here? You would’ve gotten to meet Vega, Samirah, and August (do you know or remember them?) and you would have probably joined me at the dance studio and we both could’ve sucked together and laugh at ourselves. You made it so easy to do that you know. Laugh at myself, I mean, and just in general. Now? Now, I don’t know when the last time I laughed anymore, but it’s completely possible that I don’t remember because my memory has been getting worse each passing minute and I don’t know if it’s because there’s something wrong with me or if it’s because the days aren’t much worth remembering anymore._

_I don’t want to be here anymore, I think. I’ve never had a reason to stay. I don’t like to think about that often because what it might mean scares me, but I sometimes think about how much life exhausts me every time I have to drag myself out of bed (I think most okay people don’t struggle with getting out of bed as I do). _

_I don’t want to be here anymore. _

_Leo, where are you? _

_Leo, I miss you._


	14. Bright as Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddy blinked blearily, his eyes feeling like they had physical flecks of sleep underneath his eyelids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place around April - October 2014. 
> 
> Finally on Christmas break so I got a chance to finish this chapter. It was already 80% finished, I just needed to write like 1.5k more words. If the flow is off, I'll I'm sorry, it has been a while since I've even been on the word doc for this story. Also, if this validates on the 25th of December, then it'll have been two months since I've updated this story, lmao.
> 
> Warnings: Strong depictions of depression, and an anxiety attack.

Teddy blinked blearily, his eyes feeling like they had physical flecks of sleep underneath his eyelids. It was barely the beginning of his day, and he already knew that it was one of _those _days.

Still, he swung one leg over the edge of his bed, taking one step at a time to the bathroom across from his room. He brushed his teeth robotically almost, pacing back and forth because, for the love of god, he didn’t know how to stay still.

What did he have to look forward to today?

Well, he would have to trudge through most of his classes today, including photography, but at least his maths class was pretty chill today, so he didn’t have to worry too much about focusing on the lesson. And Samirah would be there at lunch today. She always was, but listening to her talk was refreshing and always made his day a little bit better.

There wasn’t much for today, huh?

Maybe he’d have to take a nap or something, if he was so tired. Would he get too much homework today though? Hopefully not.

He hopped in the shower, getting dressed quickly. Grabbing his book bag, he made his way to the kitchen, just taking a few pieces of bread and butter. It would be a while before he had to get on the bus, so fished out his book.

It wasn’t the best book out there, but Teddy didn’t know how else to pass the time. His phone could probably provide a better distraction, but he’d rather avoid learning about what horrible thing happened today until it was the end of the day.

Skimming through a few of the pages he’d read last time, he took a bite of his toast.

He sighed, the book still not capturing his attention, so he tried to be content with enjoying his food.

A hand brushed past his shoulder, and he looked behind him to see that it was Ginny smiling at him.

“Hi, Teddy,” she murmured, though he had to wonder why. It was not that part of the morning where she had to be particularly quiet for the rest of the family—they were all awake, getting ready, whether it be for school or for work. “Happy birthday.”

Teddy blinked. Then he looked at the date on his phone, and sure enough, ‘April 1st’ was glaring back at him. Oh...

“Thank you,” he murmured, feeling like Ginny’s soft voice was fitting for the situation. He didn’t really know what else to say—celebrating was never his thing. Before his fifteenth birthday, they were completely neutral, but after… He didn’t know. This was his first birthday—also the anniversary of… Leo’s death.

Ginny slid into the chair adjacent to him at the dining table. “Do you want to do something today?”

Teddy looked around, searching his surrounding as if they held the answer to that question. Frankly the mood he woke up with today didn’t really make him particularly excited for this day either, like his body knew that Leo had died today, even if his mind didn’t.

“I… have zero ideas,” he told her, attempting to look sheepish and regretful.

“What if we ate out? Or do something smaller, like go for ice cream or go to that new book shop that opened not far from here…”

The jolt of excitement that went up his spine almost felt foreign to him. Teddy smiled at her, this time genuinely. Those weren’t bad ideas, and he had a lot of ideas for books he wanted. “Can we do both? The ice cream and the book store, I mean…”

Ginny looked pleasantly surprised, the undercurrent worry that was underneath her expression clearing up a little. The worry explained why her character was so subdued today.

“Okay, that’s great,” she enthused. “Do you mind if the whole family comes? Or we could just bring Harry along and celebrate with the whole family on the weekend.”

Teddy blinked, wondering why they would ever bother with celebrating his birthday twice. He wasn’t worth that. “No, they can come along too.”

He didn’t quite know how to handle everyone—the children, Ginny, Harry, but he figured he can just figure that out as it came, right? James, Al, and Lily were a little too much to bear, but Harry and Ginny were good about reading his moods, surprisingly. So, it’ll probably even out. He hoped that was how it worked.

Ginny nodded at him, the smile on her face bright as sunshine.

Teddy wondered why it was shining so bright, and he had an idea as to why. He wasn’t even as excited as he should be—who would be?—and surely nothing groundbreaking was going to happen today.

A glance at his phone told him that his bus was due to come, and told her goodbye.

She wished for him to have a good day and he wished that it would come true.

—

The school today wasn’t much different, Teddy was disappointed to note. To be honest, he wasn’t sure what he expected—people mourning? Crying in the hallways? Whispers about Leo’s tragic death? Regardless, the lack of it was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that he didn’t have to be reminded of Leo every waking moment of today—his mind already did that every day, thanks—but a curse in that the realization of just how small Leo was in other people’s worlds in comparison to his was uncomfortable.

Teddy wondered why that was so—Leo was, and still is, the most memorable person he could think of, the one who had the biggest impact on him.

He still couldn’t believe that he had to think about Leo in the past tense. What a small thing to take notice of, yet it brought a world of hurt that no one, not even him, would have thought possible.

Sighing, he braced himself for the rest of the day. Lunch would not be for another forty minutes, which was only ten minutes four times, and he could wait out ten minutes four times, right?

When lunch did come around, he found out that he was only half right, but it was whatever since lunch was thankfully here.

Teddy took a seat at his usual spot, which was where Vega, August, Samirah, and surprisingly, Srijani, were sat. Srijani was a new addition, though he didn’t really mind as she was surprisingly refreshing to talk to.

Samirah was the next to arrive, a whirlwind of complete energy, which was odd considering her lack of energy last year—not the last school year, but literally in 2013. It was good that her meds were allowing her be energetic again though.

“Hi, Teddy,” Samirah greeted him happily, holding her arms out for him, asking for a hug.

“Hello,” Teddy greeted with a small smile, taking up her offer for once. Samirah hugged back tightly, and he felt like his spine was being crushed for a second.

She let go, and smiled at him, giving a comforting pat on top of his hand, and he gave her one last smile.

As everyone sitting at the table arrived one by one (and wishing him ‘Happy Birthday’ while they were at it), Teddy absentmindedly read his book, not really taking in what was going on—both in his book and his surroundings. He didn’t really feel like talking at all, even as the conversation around him grew in sound.

“So, Teddy,” Srijani greeting him, falling into the seat on the side of that wasn’t occupied unceremoniously, a few strands of hair going into her mouth. God, she really was a whirlwind, just the same as Samirah.

Teddy looked at her, looking at her like a deer in headlights. Her choice of topic could range from anywhere from talking about her favorite video game of the week to literally dismantling the patriarchy. She was an entertaining one for sure. “Um. Hey, Srija.”

“It’s your birthday today, isn’t it?” she questioned, coming off as extremely unbothered as she made a chapatti and carrot curry burrito.

“I was hoping you didn’t know,” he said in answer instead.

Srijani paused in making her chapatti burrito, throwing a confused look at him. Raising an eyebrow, she replied, “Really? I know I don’t celebrate my birthday, but you just know my dramatic ass would throw a fit if no one remembered my birthday.”

He appraised her. She probably didn’t know about Leo’s death too much either, though the reason was largely unknown to him. Why _wouldn’t_ she know? Shaking his head, he answered her softly, “I just had something really horrible happen last birthday, and well… I didn’t really celebrate it much before then either, but I sure as hell don’t want to now.”

Srijani gave him a vaguely sympathetic look. Was she going to ask about what happened? It wasn’t exactly a secret to all of his friends, but right now he had an oddly new fear that she might view him from a different lens if he told her. They’d gotten along so well, and he just didn’t want to ruin that. “Oh, I’m sorry. But it’s whatever. I just had something for you, that’s all.” He guessed not, then.

She leaned over to somewhere behind her, and he heard the awfully loud rustle of what was unmistakably a plastic bag. Placing it front of him with a flourish, she announced, “Your birthday present. We—well, no, I did,” she thoughtfully added as an aside to herself. She resumed speaking to him, “Yeah, I did. Anyways, I figured that I should actually get you something, and now is the perfect time to give it to you. One of my auntie’s came back from India a couple of days back and she brought back much loot. There’s also some other random shit from the local Indian grocer, but yeah. Anyways, enough of that. Happy sixteenth.”

Teddy tilted her head at her, pleasantly surprised. He peered into the bag, a multitude of colors entering his vision—yellow, green, blue, brown. He took one of the packets and saw that the blue one was a packet of cardamom flavored biscuits. There was also chocolate, orange, and strawberry. The yellow one seemed to be a packet of tomato flavored noodles. Maggi, apparently?

He was touched that she had even thought of him at all. Bringing her into an awkward side hug, he told her, “Thanks for bothering to remember my birthday, I guess.”

“Of course?” Srijani gave him a boyish sort of grin. “Ah, well, want to hear about the dumbass thing I did this weekend?”

He smiled at her awkwardly. “I don’t think that’s very nice, but sure I’ll listen…”

She practically came alive in front of him. “Okay, so well, I was at home this weekend right all alone right?”

Fishing inside the plastic bag, he took out a Ziploc bag that had miscellaneous sweets and settled in his seat to listen.

This was turning out to be a better day than he expected.

—

Weirdly enough, the rest of the year had gone by just as fast, and before Teddy realized it was the middle of the summer, and he was feeling hot and lonely.

How sad was it that James, Al, and Lily had more of a social life than he did. But more than likely, that was his own fault. Vega had sent him a few texts about meeting up, but he just couldn’t find the energy to text back.

Sometimes, it felt like his life was a movie, not at all in the good way, but in the way that parts of his life just seemed to be edited out of his mind and he was abruptly placed in the next scene of his life. Except it wasn’t the next exciting thing that happened.

Did he say? He hadn’t left his home in about a month and half. It wasn’t like he was trying to stay home either! He just didn’t wake up on time and the day was already half over, and still, he didn’t have the energy to go out much. He’d go if someone dragged him outside, but no one really bothered.

This was exactly the opposite of the summer that most people envisioned with they thought about summer break.

Should he do something about it? Probably. Will he? No.

He’d wish for school to come back, but college was going to be infinitely harder than what he’d asked for.

Right. Teddy nodded to himself, clasped hands over his lap. What to do now?

A soft knock at the door snapped him out of his thoughts, and he said, voice raspy from disuse, “Come in.”

Ginny peeked from a small sliver of the opened door. “Did you invite anyone over today? Not that I mind, but you didn’t tell me, and there’s like three girls and boy waiting for you outside. I recognize Vega as one of your friends so maybe…”

Confused, he slid off his bed, trudging over to the front door.

When he did, Teddy stared disbelievingly at the group of four currently trying to enter his home all at once. “You guys… shouldn’t have come here,” he told them, self-conscious about the baggy pair of pajamas he was wearing and the way his hair looked like his hair hadn’t been combed in about a month. Which it legitimately hadn’t been.

Vega piped up first. “Come _on_, Teddy! We haven’t seen you in about like _forever_, we’re getting kind of worried, like you could’ve been dead for all we knew.”

Srijani made a noise of disagreement. “That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but yes, we were worried about you.”

Finally getting past the shock of their arrival, he questioned of all of them, “How did you know where I live?”

Samirah gave him a strange look, and August told him what she seemed to be thinking, in agreement. “Teddy, you do realize that you told us, right? Like, right before we left school?”

Teddy blinked. “Oh. Right. I forgot.”

“Anyways,” Vega continued, “you should go out with us for a while. We’re not going far, just the park near here.”

He didn’t answer for a moment, trying to keep at curb the emotions that were trying to surface. It was a weird feeling, since he’d only had about a maximum capacity for two feelings, which were being annoyed and being tired. “Thanks. Really, thanks. Thanks for coming to check up on me. Can you wait, though? I haven’t eaten, or taken a shower, or brushed my hair, or… or do much of anything really.” He laughed, and even to him it sounded bitter, and not happy like he’d wanted it to.

Vega nodded at him. “Do you mind if we come inside? It’s kind of hot out here…”

“Oh! Yeah, yeah, come in,” he replied, hoping Ginny would be okay with it. “I’ll be just a few minutes.”

“Take your time,” Srijani chirped. “We’ll be here when you come back.”

Teddy didn’t answer, instead opting to ask Ginny about whether he could hang out with his friends. When Ginny gave him permission, he rushed upstairs, doing everything as quickly as he possibly could, not wanting to make them wait too long. The skinny jeans he was currently struggling to pull on disagreed, but he still managed to get ready in record time.

“Want to go?” he said as finally tumbled downstairs.

“You haven’t eaten anything though,” August pointed out.

“Oh, right,” he said, trying to tamp his blush down. He didn’t really want to seem desperate to hang out with them—Gran once called him clingy in reference to Leo and he was afraid that was true. The last thing he wanted to do right now was drive his friends further away from him when they had given him the time of day to care.

Teddy took a deep breath. They would wait for him. They weren’t going to go anywhere. It was going to be okay.

He entered into the kitchen, taking his usual choice of bread spread with butter. Bread and butter, by all means, shouldn’t have been as good as it tasted, but he felt like he could consume about two bags of bread with butter. For some reason, his monkey brain could only find that he could only consume this without feeling a little nauseous.

Finishing off the last bite, he walked back to the living room, tuning into the conversation just as Samirah was saying, “Come on, that is _not_ how you pronounce that!”

Srijani looked at her, glaring at her. “Well, then, how do you?”

“It’s uh-thee-na,” Samirah enunciated. “You say it like ah-thay-na, like it rolls off the tongue.”

The other girl huffed, crossing her arms. “Well, at least I have an excuse.”

“Which would be?”

“English isn’t my first language.”

“That’s not an excuse, if anything, you should know English _better_ than I do! If you’ve studied it for so long trying to perfect it!”

Teddy interrupted their spat. “Hello?”

Samirah and Srijani both turned to him, irritated expressions on their faces, while Vega and August gave him curious looks.

Teddy took a step back, putting his hands up in a sign of surrender, unsure of whether Samirah and Srijani would both tackle him or something.

“Ready to go?” he asked tugging at the edge of his shirt. Both of the irritated girls schooled their faces into something more neutral at the sight of his nervousness.

“Uh, yeah, yeah,” Vega answered, cheerfully. “Let’s go!”

As they all walked on the pathway to the park, Srijani asked, “Why are you acting like this is an adventure?”

Vega peered behind her. “Why not? I’ve never been here and everything is new.”

“Oh. I live around here so the stuff around here is decidedly _not _as new. But also, I don’t get out much either, so what do I know? I barely recognize that building there,” Srijani said, pointing.

Samirah gave her a weird look. “The name of it is right there…”

The other girl shouldered her playfully.

Samirah shook her head. “So! Teddy!”

He jumped at being addressed.

“How was your summer?”

Teddy shrugged. “I think you know,” he answered, smiling self-deprecatingly. “It hasn’t been… great. I know realistically that there was something I could do about it, but I never had the energy to it.” That wasn’t giving too much away to how he was actually feeling right? His description barely scratched the surface.

“Seems like you’re spiraling hard, buddy,” August butted in.

Teddy raised an eyebrow. “What would you know about it?”

He shrugged. “Not much, in all fairness. But have you considered seeing someone about it?”

“You’re the second one to suggest a therapist,” he muttered, looking away. “I don’t want a therapist right now. It’s not completely unmanageable, for example, I can handle it during most school days and when I’m out with friends.”

Samirah and August shared a look, and he didn’t like that they were talking to each other about him in front of him without words. It made him feel left out.

“Okay,” Samirah began. “We believe you. But don’t wait until it gets that bad, okay? It’s not fun. I can attest to that.” She put a hand on the top of heart in a show of sincerity.

“Got it,” he sighed, tiring of this conversation already. He didn’t _want_ to talk about how not okay he wasn’t or about how not normal he was. When he saw all the other kids at school, and found how much they enjoyed their lives, he knew that something was wrong. He didn’t even want to begin talking about it, let alone think about it.

“Look,” Vega piped up. “There’s the park.”

“We have eyes, Vega,” Srijani said, bored.

Teddy nudged her. “Let her be.”

Vega ran over to the seesaw, calling over August to sit on the other end.

Teddy watched as they both played, flying through the air up and down. They really were too cute. Almost perfect for each other. He shook his head, taking a seat on the swings. Even with Srijani’s completely bored demeanor, she took the swing next to him and began to push herself upward.

Parks just had the ability to make everyone feel like a kid again, he supposed. As for him, he’d only went to the park once, and that was to begin that story assignment for his and Leo’s English class. The canopy they sat under was still there on the far end, if a little worse for wear. It had been a while since he’d come back here.

Shaking his head, he started to push himself forward as far as he could go without making a full circle and closed his eyes.

Like this, he could almost believe that the world was more nice than it was. The wind blowing on his face was refreshing, and it was like he was legitimately flying through the air with the birds and the clouds.

It was the most carefree he’d felt in a long while.

He opened his eyes when he slowed down, Srijani having gone higher on the swings than ever, Samirah aiding in giving force. They were both giggling relentlessly, and Teddy couldn’t help the smile the appeared on his face.

Seeing Teddy looking at him, Samirah offered, “Want me to push you too?”

“Oh, no, I’m fine.” He smiled to reassure her.

Involuntarily, his gaze moved to where Vega and August, and a half formed smile appeared at how at ease they looked with each other. He was definitely a little jealous of Vega, but he couldn’t find it in himself to feel hateful of them. There was nothing to fault them for.

Teddy turned his gaze to the two girls next to him, watching with amusement as Samirah encouraged Srijani to jump. She did so, and promptly landed on her butt.

"Fucking _ouch_," Srijani grouched, rubbing her tailbone. "God damn it, why did you tell me to fucking do that?"

Samirah currently couldn't answer, as she was laughing it up, holding her stomach. "I—I can_not_ believe you just did that, holy shit!” she said in between peals of laughter.

The other girl looked pissed. “Thanks to you, my ass is going to hurt every time I sit down. Are you happy now?”

“No one was holding a gun to your head, Srija,” Samirah responded, grin about as annoying as it could get.

“Dear god,” Teddy laughed. “You okay?”

“Fine,” she replied, curt. Srijani pushed herself up, brushing off any dirt on her pants. She began walking towards Vega and August, and Teddy jumped off his swing to follow her.

He heard them now more clearly, and saw that they were speaking passionately about… Sigmund Freud?

“Are you two seriously talking up a storm about Sigmund Freud about all things?” Teddy asked of Vega, wide-eyed.

“He was an asshat and I will not stop until everyone on this _bitch_ of an earth knows it!” Vega exclaimed, her hair bouncing.

Teddy nodded, assenting. “I’m not fighting you on that, it’s okay,” he laughed.

“Mind giving us a turn?” Srijani asked, and in response both Vega and August slid off. Teddy went to sit where Vega was, and Srijani got on the end.

“Hey, Teddy move up a bit,” Samirah ordered, and though Teddy threw her a judging look, he obliged.

He felt her shift around a bit behind him, and then felt her arms around his neck.

“Samirah, wait,” he said, alarmed. “I swear to god if you choke me I’m going to kill you.”

“You can’t, you’ll be dead,” she replied, none too terrified, but she still moved her arms to wrap around his waist. “Teddy, why are you so tiny?” she asked, placing her chin atop his head.

He rustled. “I’m not, you’re just freakishly tall.”

“Dude, like I’m only like six feet.”

“See, freakishly tall,” he reasserted.

“No, she isn’t,” Srijani defended. “I’m only like an inch shorter, and both August and Vega are like three or two inches shorter. Teddy, _you_, on the other hand, are like six inches shorter than Samirah.”

“It’s five,” he mumbled, pushing himself up.

“So, you _are_ short,” Samirah crowed, practically into his ear. She began to wax poetic about how short he was, and though Teddy was in fact getting increasingly irritated, he also felt a fondness swelling in his chest.

That wasn’t what fueled his response though. “If you don’t shut up, I’m going to elbow you in the tit.”

Samirah stopped immediately, and a silence followed. Before he could overthink that, Srijani announced, “Man, short people scare the fuck out of me. Like I know I’m more physically imposing, but I’m more of a friendly giant. Short people will kill your family and burn your house for making one joke around them.”

“Wha—hey!”

Behind him, he felt Samirah’s head nodding. “I know. I have a brother who’s like shorter than five feet, and I made one joke about it and he swore that he’d tear up my stuffed animals.” She snorted, but there seemed to be a nervousness in it. “I never made a short joke again. But on the flip side—god, is it terrifying to see what lengths my brother would go to get something that he can’t reach. Like I once had to help him down from the cupboards because he wanted a jar from there, but he didn’t know how to get down.”

Srijani laughed loudly, echoing through the air.

Samirah nudged him in the hip. “You’ve done anything like that?”

“No,” he responded immediately, but then remembered all the times that he did in fact have to climb some shelves to retrieve something. “Wait. Yes, I have. None of it ended that badly so I’m fine. Once I fell off a bookshelf and hit my head, but all’s good now.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, and Teddy could practically see Samirah waggling her eyebrows.

“Fuck off,” he muttered, gasping in air as his end of the seesaw fell.

Srijani and Samirah kept on talking as Teddy chose to listen to their conversation as it drifted from all height related matters to video games they played to the nostalgia of their childhoods.

A little time after, he started noticing Srijani glance at August and Vega. Finally, Srijani called to them, gesturing for them to come over.

As August and Vega approached, she said, “You two seem to be getting along really well. What are you two talking about now?”

Just as August was about to reply, Srijani lit up, and cut him off with, “Actually hey, let’s try out that weird ass merry-go-round looking thing with me? I’ve been wanting to try it out this whole time but I don’t have anyone to push me.”

“Oh—yeah, sure,” Vega replied, and was promptly dragged to said weird ass merry-go-round looking thing to try by Srijani.

Samirah slid off from behind him, and Teddy did so as well to make his way to Srijani and Vega.

Teddy watched idly as Srijani settled herself, arms gripping tightly onto the bars on either side of her. Samirah and Vega did similarly, and August pushed them, and they were swimming at an acceptable speed.

He moved out of the way to avoid being slapped in the face by Srijani’s waterfall of hair, smiling as he heard the peals of laughter, and some screams of horror.

A while later, Vega and Samirah stumbled off, When she got off, Srijani looked like she was both simultaneously nauseous and exhilarated. “That—that was—god, that was terrifying. I almost fucking fell off the damn thing, and let me tell you, people were not lying when they say you see your whole life flash in front of your life if you brush death.” She paused, thinking. “Let me tell you, not very impressive. I spent most of it in my bedroom closet reading books.”

“Bedroom closet…?” Teddy questioned, tilting his head at her.

Srijani shrugged. “It was the only safe space I had.”

Teddy nodded, though a little concerned. Why would your only safe space be a bedroom closet? Unless the entire home was unsafe…

The rest of the afternoon passed by in a blur, and though it passed by fast, he tried his best to etch it into his memory. There weren’t very many good memories in his repertoire except for the ones with Leo, but those had since soured. He would take what he got, if he was being honest, and this would be one to remember forever.

—

The next time Teddy thought life was slightly worth paying attention to was when grade eleven started. It wasn’t really like he had any choice but to pay attention; he was taking such hard classes that any lapse in attention could result in a failing grade. Trust his luck for tests to be on the one thing that he didn’t learn.

He had hoped that his general situation would get better as school started up again. The set schedule and the work to keep him busy should have helped, but in truth he was so frustrated by what he was learning (or rather, _not_ learning) that he often got into the same mental state again.

It was all quite apparent to him when he got his first test in physics back, and he honestly didn’t know what to do.

Shaking his leg idly, he started at the two red numbers sitting on top of his test.

Sixty-one.

Since it was physics, it wasn’t the _worst_ grade that he couldn’t gotten, as there were people who did in fact do worse, but… still.

Teddy felt like a true dumbass. Maybe if hadn’t studied as hard as he could’ve, then it was on his own laziness. But! But he had studied for an entire _week_ and he had actually felt good about the material.

So this was a… this was a hit to his self-esteem, not that there was anything to bump down.

This was all his fault.

Teddy blinked, trying hard to push down his tears. He was in public, in front of all his classmates, no less. A show of weakness of any form wouldn’t go over well.

“Teddy?”

He looked over to Vega, trying to put on a smile.

Vega was leaning on his chair, hair bouncing. “How’d you do?”

He shrugged, looking away, tears now threatening to spill over. That was the one question he didn’t want to be asked, knowing it would be the one thing that would set him off.

To distract her, he asked, “What about you?”

“Eighty-six,” Vega replied, somewhat nonchalantly, but it was obvious she was proud of herself from the smile she was trying to keep at bay.

Teddy should have felt proud of her. He _should_ have. But he wasn’t.

Where his pride would have been instead was filled with a jealousy with a sort of intensity he hadn’t felt in a long, long time.

How did _she_ get a good grade and he didn’t? What did she do better than him that he fucked up so badly? Did he not deserve a good grade? Was that it?

If anything, Teddy wanted to scream, whether in general or at her he didn’t really care. Or maybe he could rip his hair out, or just fucking stab himself with that pencil that was sitting on his desk there, but he didn’t.

Vega would be hurt he did any of those things, especially if he hurt himself or yelled at her, so he took a moment to breathe in and out. Then he forced what he hoped was a genuine smile, and he shifted over to hug her.

“I’m proud of you,” he forced out, and Vega moved into his arms. His smile dropped.

Even saying it out loud didn’t help dispel his jealousy, and he felt a burning shame.

His friends were happy, so he should be happy too, right?

Teddy couldn’t muster even a little bit of happiness.

—

It was lunch time, and Teddy had lost all appetite to eat even though his favorite food was in front of him.

He used his chopsticks to push around his dumplings. They were starting to look a little dry.

A hand was put on his shoulder, and he jumped. Wide-eyed, his attention turned to the perpetrator. The tension left his body when he realized that it was only Srijani.

Teddy nodded at her, and looked back to his food.

A few seconds later, he realized that he should probably say hi lest he be seen as rude.

“Hey,” he greeted, voice a mere whisper.

“Hey,” Srijani returned it, voice louder in contrast to his. And she sounded less tired.

Teddy wished he had energy like she did.

“Everything okay?” she questioned.

Giving her a perfunctory glance, he nodded, a bit slow to respond.

Srijani looked like she wanted to interrogate him more, but she was distracted by the arrival of August, Vega, and Samirah for which he was thankful.

He was met with a discordant chorus of _hey, Teddy! _And he nodded the same at all of them.

“Teddy, teddy, teddy,” Vega called over excitedly, and he looked up, wary.

“Yes?” He wondered absentmindedly if he could keep up with her. The din of the cafeteria was already getting to him with the way there were too many fractured and nonsensical phrases and sentences.

“Guess what?”

“Hm?” He shifted, and his elbow brushed across the table, the sensation springing in a spark of anger throughout his body.

“No, you have to guess!”

Teddy sighed slowly. “I don’t know, Vega, could you just tell me please?”

Vega blinked, seeming a little disappointed. He felt some slight guilt for making her unhappy, but he couldn’t care less. She continued, “I got an ninety-three on our chemistry exam, you know, the one that we had last week?”

Teddy scowled, but thankfully his face was obscured. It was getting harder and harder to keep his cool.

“Right,” he said. “I’m sure you’re proud of yourself.”

The cafeteria was loud as hell, but he could literally feel the silence that followed.

Teddy looked up to see the confused and disappointed faces of his friends.

“What?” he asked, though he wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted to know the answer. These days, he was getting a little bit more reckless with his words but he for some reason was less aware of it.

“Hey, come on, that was kind of rude…” Vega frowned at him, but it was clear all she felt for him was concern. Teddy recoiled visibly. How could she still care for him after he sort of snapped at her like that?

August followed with, “I get that you’re not feeling well, but it’s not fair to take it out on Vega, dude, come on.”

“What was rude?” Teddy asked, and then he heard how… angry he sounded?

“Vega was proud of her grade, don’t you think you should be too?” Samirah asked him, looking directly at him. He felt small.

“I’m sorry—don’t _touch_ me!” Teddy was effectively thrown off by Srijani’s hand on his shoulder. After being bothered for the past few minutes by the noise of the cafeteria, this set him off.

By this point, the rest of the group seemed entirely too confused and concerned, and it made his heart squeeze, but not in a good way.

It honestly felt like he was stuck in a small box, suffocating.

“I—I have to go, I can’t be here,” Teddy said, haphazardly cleaning up his area, and leaving his seat.

Despite the calls for him, and he walked out of the doors anyway.

Teddy broke out into a run when he realized he couldn’t hold in his tears anymore.

The closest safe space he could find was the boys bathroom, so he locked himself in a stall.

It wasn’t ideal—he truly felt like the small box had become real, but at the same time he didn’t want to cry at the sinks where there was a high chance that people would see him and know who he was. He couldn’t handle that.

His breathing got faster, like he couldn’t get in as much air as he needed.

It was odd, that these sorts of episodes were getting more and more frequent.

His last one was only two days ago, when he thought about the failed grade in chemistry that he got, and when he thought about the physics project that he had no idea how to do.

He didn’t know what to do anymore. Not with his life, not with his future, not with his academics. When did his life stop being his? When did his life go so out of control?

It was easy to blame Leo’s untimely death, but that truly and honestly didn’t feel right to him.

He doesn’t remember much of his childhood, but he knew how he felt, and that was exactly how he felt now. Helpless.

Teddy pulled at the hair on his arms, the pinpricks of pain giving him a distraction from what felt like his impending death.

It took him a while for him to calm down—which was to say to get his breathing down to a normal level. His thoughts were still running amok, but there wasn’t much to do about them. They was a rare chance to put a halt to them.

When he looked at the time, he saw that that the next class was already forty minutes through. It would be humiliating to walk in to class forty minutes, especially so in a class he shared with Samirah.

At one point, he thought having so many classes with his friends was a blessing, but he was now feeling it was a curse.

Teddy didn’t feel like he could talk to them anymore. Who the fuck could he talk to anymore?

He pulled at his hair harshly—he would deal with this tomorrow. For now, his task was to get through today.


End file.
